Oh Joy, More Idiots

A long time ago in a land far, far, away, back when I was a wee little Big Bad, I met my first real idiot. My family was small and not encumbered with idiots so it took me a moment to realize that this newcomer was different. A couple of years older than me, a bully and an idiot all rolled into one. I won’t bore you with what he did. Well, to be more accurate, tried to do. Suffice it to say he ended up gloriously, and very publicly, humiliated. His father, also an idiot, attempted to get his revenge on me and a couple of my friends. His father, unfamiliar with the new fangled device called a telephone, was introduced to one of its primary functions when my grandmother called the cops. The cops, not being idiots, had a wonderful time explaining the rules of humanity to the nice man who, within two weeks, moved his idiot family to safer climes. Probably Florida. It was my first experience with the reality impaired and it left a deep impression on my young soul. I decided then and there that I didn’t like idiots. Obviously, as the years have gone on I’ve matured and become more embracing of other cultures and lifestyles. But I have never gotten over my aversion to idiots. And, sadly, it seems that their number is growing.

HomeGoods recently conducted a poll to see what famous person Americans most wanted to meet. Was it the president? No. Was it the pope? Not even close. No, the person everyone most wanted to see at their dinner table was ….. drum roll please …. Jennifer Aniston.

Really.

Actress Jennifer Aniston and her ex-husband Brad Pitt would be the preferred guests at a holiday meal for many Americans, along with the Duchess of Cambridge.

Aniston, the former “Friends” star, topped the list with 30 percent in the survey that asked Americans which celebrity they would like to sit next to at a holiday meal.

Pitt polled third with 16 percent, while the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, came in second with 21 percent.

Actors Charlie Sheen and Ashton Kutcher and reality television star Kim Kardashian rounded out the top choices.

But when it came to party guests, food doyenne Rachel Ray was the person chosen by 31 percent of people, followed by late night talk show host Jay Leno, who was a distant second at 17 percent.

Celebrity chef Paula Deen was named as the cook most people wanted to prepare their holiday meal. Cantankerous chef Gordon Ramsey came in second, while Martha Stewart was third.

Now Charlie Sheen and Ashton Kutcher at the same dinner might be fun, but that’s still a pretty pathetic list. There isn’t one of those people I’d want to be in an elevator with let alone allow them into my home.

Of course, when it comes to idiots they are not merely resigned to shopping at discount stores. No, some of them are teachers. WPBN in Michigan is reporting that a teacher was faced with the difficult task of teaching her students something useful and immediately went to plan B.

A Michigan elementary school principal says students are back to singing “gay apparel” in a well-known Christmas carol after a music teacher had them sing “bright apparel” instead.

Cherry Knoll Elementary School Principal Chris Parker told television station WPBN on Monday that he was disappointed with the decision to make the change to “Deck the Halls” after children kept giggling.

One line in the popular version of the song is “Don we now our gay apparel,” referring to festive holiday clothing.

Parker says it’s a teachable moment for the educator and students at the school in the Traverse City Area Public Schools district.

I’ve got news for you, kids will giggle at Bible passages. It’s what kids do. That’s why teachers take those moments to teach kids the history of the word, what it means in context and why they should limit their giggling to outside of class. But, I guess asking a teach to teach is a little to much up there.

Oh well, as long as we’re in the Holiday spirit, let’s take a trek on down to Georgia where a man was arrested for following a holiday tradition.

It wasn’t a silent night.

A Georgia man preparing for the Christmas season spent a night in jail after he was arrested for shooting at mistletoe outside a Decatur shopping mall.

William E. Robinson, 66, was charged with reckless conduct and discharging a firearm on someone else’s property after he opened fire on a tree that held a sprig of the plant, which is commonly used as a Christmas decoration.

Robinson told CBS Atlanta that he was merely following a holiday tradition when he used his double-barrel 12-gauge shotgun to knock the plant out of a tree outside the North DeKalb Mall.

“Every year I go somewhere to get some mistletoe to decorate the house,” Robinson told the station. “I get some for my friends that can’t get mistletoe. The best way to get it is with a shotgun.”

Most people simply purchase mistletoe. But in some parts of the country, it’s a tradition to shoot first and decorate later.

Southerners preparing for Christmas have long used shotguns loaded with birdshot to knock mistletoe from trees, National Geographic wrote in 2001.

It was the place — not the practice — that put Robinson behind bars.

Robinson told CBS Atlanta he wanted to hunt for mistletoe on a friend’s property, but when his acquaintance wasn’t home, he turned his attention to a tree that he claims is on the mall’s “fence line.”

A passing motorist contacted authorities after spotting Robinson firing one shot and collecting his yuletide bounty near an Applebee’s restaurant at 5:30 p.m., The Atlanta Journal Constitution reports. The driver trailed the suspect to a Citgo gas station, where police took him into custody.

According to investigators, Robinson was shocked others weren’t aware of his holiday tradition.

“He said he does this every year, but never in the mall parking lot,” a police report, acquired by Decatur’s 11 Alive, notes. “The suspect was surprised he was getting arrested.”

Williams posted bond and was released on Dec. 5, according to the DeKalb County Sheriff’s Office website.

Ah yes, the annual gunning of the mistletoe. Fun for the whole family. I guess hitting the local Wal-Mart and ponying up fifty cents is out of the question. The fun part of this article is that anthropologists for National Geographic noted the tradition, just like they were studying some weird tribe they found in a jungle east of Bora Bora.

Which isn’t that far from the truth, now that I think about it.

But, my prize winning idiot today comes with a story.

Every year before the Fourth of July, police in Melrose Park, where I grew up, would collect food and stuff from the local groceries, often paying for it themselves, to distribute to indigent families and so on. One store that actually donated was the local Jewel. So, one day in early July, I was in the Jewel waiting to cash my pay check, which is what you did back in those days. I was standing in front of an elderly black woman and behind a about 20 cops. In front of them was a guy who was clearly focused on the cashier at the counter.

He pulled out a gun and the lady behind the counter did something he probably didn’t expect. She started laughing very loudly. That sound was accompanied by the sound of multiple guns being drawn and cocked. It kind of sounded like kids popping bubble wrap. Anyway, when the lady at the counter finally got herself pulled together she was able to point behind the man and wave her finger in the general direction of the cops. He turned, dropped the gun and was promptly arrested. The cops finally assigned one of the younger guys to officially make the collar so they wouldn’t be stuck doing paperwork all day.

The elderly woman behind me sighed, looked to the ceiling and said “Thank you Jesus for allowing me to live long enough to see the stupidest white man you ever made.”

Today, I introduce you to his progeny, at least in spirit.

Walmart security had it pretty easy over the weekend when a man allegedly decided it would be a good idea to shoplift while 50 police officers held a charity event at the store.

Officials in Maryland arrested Timothy Randall Clark on Saturday after he allegedly attempted to steal over $500 in video game products at the same time that law enforcement authorities were holding their “Shop With A Cop” community program, according to a Charles County Sheriff’s Department press release.

The store’s loss prevention unit discovered the 22-year-old cutting open and shoving video games and accessories into his shirt and promptly contacted police — they were everywhere, anyway — before the suspect could make it to the door.

Shop With A Cop is a nationally held charity program intended to build good relations between law enforcement and local youth.

Authorities say they found 26 Play Station and Xbox games, two controllers, and various other video game accessories valued at $635.04.

Clark is charged with theft.

Yeah, sorry buddy, all those people wearing blue uniforms with guns are not really elves, no matter what your mama told you.

The good news is that the cops are getting the idiots off the street one by one. The bad news is they have a lot more work to do.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkmEZs_Kcms&w=640&h=360]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!