The World Is Ending (again), Send Money Now

This game is much cooler than soccer.
I love the end of the world. Every time it comes up the really cool people throw the best parties. And, as I learned as a young man, “Hey baby, the world’s ending anyway, so how’s about …” actually works in those circumstances. In fact the best apocalypse party I ever went to was also a toga party. Think of it as ease of access to those end times. And I know that, as dedicated Nude Hippoers, you want to make sure you greet the various apocalypses correctly. The next good one is coming up on December 21, 2012. But you really want to start planning now. You’ll want to make your apocalypse as authentic as possible. That means picking up a couple of those Mayan “long count” calendars that have all the conspiracy freaks going nuts as well as doing a little research so you can have some of the basic Mayan accouterments such as games and alters for human sacrifices. But, remember kids, it’s just a party. That alter shouldn’t be used for anything more bloody than being a place to put the bean dip.

Also, you’ll want to make sure your guests have time to get some traditional Mayan clothing. Don’t worry, it’s the end of the world so you can sex it up if you want. Who’s going to complain when we’re all dead and gone anyway?

Also, if you’ve got a few bucks to spare and don’t mind funding idiots, you can drop by the official 2012 doomsday website and pick up some festive apocalypse T-shirts and read some seriously disturbed rants from the willfully ignorant.

Just as an aside, many doomsday ranters point to the fact that the magnetic north pole is moving. They are 100% correct, it is. And it has been for millions of years. Earth has a molten core, stuff moves as it swirls. It’s just a fact of life. The fact that it will move again sometime next year ranges between meaningless and interesting. The latter if you’re a scientist.

And, while I would guess it’s useless to use logic and facts with loony tunes, our old pal Ian O’Neill, from Discovery News, tries anyway.

Ever since I wrote my very first “No Doomsday in 2012” article for Universe Today in 2008, I’ve been repeating the same message over and over again: The Mayans never predicted doomsday in 2012. And I’ll say it once more, this time with even more expert endorsement: The Mayans never, EVER predicted doomsday in 2012.

Sadly, science and history has been bent and twisted to suit supporters of this doomsday hoax, and when scientists or archaeologists go on the record to debunk the nonsense, the blame falls on some kind of convenient global conspiracy.

But where did this Mayan doomsday idea come from anyway?

The Long(est) Count

The seed of next year’s multitude of “End of the World” theories supposedly occurring on or around Dec. 21, 2012, is that a mesoamerican calendar foretold doom. A particular Mayan calendar is at the center of all the excitement, and due to a numerical fluke, it just so happens the calendar will “run out” next year.

The Mayan civilization existed from 250-900 A.D. in the current geographical location of southern Mexico, Guatemala, Belize, El Salvador and some of Honduras. Archaeologists studying this fascinating culture have been able to decipher their many calendars, but their longest period calendar — the “Long Count” — is what set alarm bells ringing.

The Long Count calendar was created by the Mayans so that history could be chronicled and future events could be planned — you know, not too dissimilar to the calendar on your iPhone.

This long-period calendar, that has a cycle of 5,126 years, is a departure from the other calendars the Mayans used at the time. Some calendars lasted less than a year (such as the “Tzolkā€™in” — that lasted 260 days), others lasted decades (such as the “Calendar Round” — charting the approximate time span of a generation — approximately 52 years). Then, using remarkable ingenuity, the Mayans created the Long Count calendar that had a numerical foundation — almost like an ancient binary code.

“It’s a Marketing Fallacy.”

Although the exact end-date of this Long Count cycle has recently been thrown into doubt, one thing most Maya experts and doomsday theorists agree on is that the calendar “ends” next year. The calendar consists of 13 “Baktuns” — each approximately 394-years long — and we are coming to the end of the 13th Baktun.

One thing they don’t agree on, however, is what this actually means.

Doomsayers will try to convince you that the “end” of the Long Count 13th Baktun is a Mayan prophesy of the “End of the World.” Because, like any good snake oil salesman, you need to frighten the crap out of your audience before selling them a book on the subject.

But, according to someone who actually knows a thing or two about the Maya culture, the Mayans never made any such prophesy: “We have to be clear about this. There is no prophecy for 2012,” said Erik Velasquez, an etchings specialist at the National Autonomous University of Mexico (UNAM). “It’s a marketing fallacy.”

The National Institute of Anthropological History in Mexico, no doubt getting fed-up of their inboxes getting filled with panicked emails about fake doomsday theories, issued a statement too: “The West’s messianic thinking has distorted the world view of ancient civilizations like the Mayans.”

According to the Institute, of the 15,000 glyphic texts found in the ancient ruins of the Mayan empire, only two mention 2012. You’d think that the “End of the World” would hold more significance, wouldn’t you? Events after 2012 are also mentioned, so this “End of the World” isn’t as definite as the doomsayers make out.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of… Doomsday?

For some reason, modern culture embraces ancient civilizations as having magical powers — they could somehow predict the future and had conversations with aliens (really). And for some who think the Indiana Jones movies are accurate portrayals of historic events, this probably isn’t so surprising.

Experts in Maya culture have a far better perspective as to what the end of the 13th Baktun really means to the descendants of the ancient Maya.

“Because Bolon Yokte was already present at the day of creation … it just seemed natural for the Mayan that Bolon Yokte will again be present,” said Sven Gronemeyer, a researcher of Mayan codes from La Trobe University in Australia.

Bolon Yokte is the Mayan god associated with war and creation; the reappearance of this god is therefore more of a transition from one era to the next, according to Gronemeyer. Indeed, many will be marking the end of the Mayan calendar with celebrations of spiritual “rebirth.”

Mayan descendants have many celebrations planned; the countries located where the Maya once thrived will be excited about the increase in tourism revenue. Contrary to what those dodgy websites are telling you, it won’t be a scary time at all (in South America, at least).

Really, There’s No Doomsday in 2012

As our calendar transitions from 2011 to 2012, we can expect to see more doomsday theories surface, each convincingly portraying the weird and wonderful ways in which the world will be blow-torched in the Fall of 2012.

So long as there is money to be made from people’s fear, we’ll keep seeing the bookshelves stacked with a disproportionate amount of doom and Google ads linking to websites with doomsayers’ warped versions of reality.

But all these theories have a common theme: Whether the purveyor of theorized doom is a killer solar flare, galactic alignment or a brilliantly-timed Planet X (or Nibiru), they are all complete bunk. There is no evidence of 2012 being anything special — next year will have its fair share of war, death, destruction, calamities and financial meltdowns, but the Maya — or any other ancient civilization for that matter — didn’t predict it.

Image: An indigenous Mayan participates in an ancient ceremonial game called “juego de pelota” (ball game) during a ceremony by Guatemalan Officials to welcome the upcoming 13th Baktun, an end to the ancient Mayan calendar on December 2012. Mayan Elders disregard some western views that this date is associated with the end of the world. But Guatemala hopes to economize on the forecast boom in tourism for the upcoming year. Credit: J. Emilio Flores/Corbis

Well, good for Guatemala. At least they have authentic Mayans to fleece the morons. And, let’s face it, Mexico’s very nice that time of year.

Oh, and just FYI, Mayans aren’t extinct. That’s another fallacy of the doomsday cults. They are still thriving in Mexico and parts of South America.

But without the human sacrifices.


Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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