Of Course We’ll Light Your Face on Fire

Thanks for clarifying that.
A form the the hallucinogenic drug known popularly as acid is called Sunshine. Florida is the Sunshine State. Coincidence? I think not. Sure Texas and Arizona have been making progress to being named the dumbest states in the nation but, if you want the brain crushingly obtuse, Florida is still the king. Where else but Florida could a woman go in for routine surgery and have the doctors light her face on fire? She went from having cysts to being sizzling in record time. She’s still in intensive care so I’m hoping she’ll survive and get better, but how the hell does that happen in the first place?

Or, on a lighter note, how about the story of Amado Cardenas? He got mad at his girlfriend and then went and completely trashed …. someone else’s apartment. Naturally his mistake was discovered when police found him sleeping in the apartment he’d trashed. Because, well, you know, everyone needs a nap after committing a felony.

In Florida, the “family values” state, it seems they have a slightly different set of definitions for those values than thinking people do. Ramey Newkirk beat his mother nearly to death with a bottle of egg nog and then tased her with a stun gun because …. he’s not sure. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. And, yes ladies, he’s 45, single and lives with mom. Quite the catch if you ask me.

Of course no Florida blog would be complete without a messed up carjacking. St. Petersberg police report that two men attempted to steal a lady’s 2007 Nissan, because those bring the big bucks in Floridian chop shops, but were stymied by the fact it was a stick shift. They finally gave up and ran away while the nice lady and her boyfriend stood on the street and laughed their badonies off.

Yes, I can say “badony” because I’m a mature adult.

Unlike this next lady.

Police in Alachua County are reporting that a woman and her, convicted sex offender, boyfriend broke into a gym and had sex for six hours while the lady’s daughter was trapped in the men’s room. The lady was very surprised to learn that, even in Florida, that will get your kid taken away from you.

Of course, as I’ve noted, in the family values state, they look at things a little differently than the rest of us. For example, when I want to spend quality time with a beautiful woman who’s willing to get naked (and doesn’t charge for that perk) I take her to my place or a nice hotel.

In Florida, you park your SUV in the middle of an intersection and have at it.

See? That’s different.

A 32-year-old woman was arrested on charges of indecent exposure.

According to the Niceville Police report, the woman parked her 1998 Mitsubishi SUV at the intersection of Cadillac Avenue and Martha Street to have sex with her boyfriend.

A woman near the intersection told officers she saw the man and woman, both nude, walk out of the vehicle.

When officers arrived, the couple was instructed to put their clothes back on, but the woman refused.

“Everyone has already seen me naked, I don’t have to get dressed now,” she told the officer while standing outside her vehicle at the intersection for several minutes before getting dressed.

The woman then left the area, but later returned and urinated on the sidewalk of the woman who called in to complain about her. She then went to the woman’s porch and began yelling at the woman for calling police.

The woman was captured on video surveillance urinating on the woman’s sidewalk.

Cops love when people do stuff like that. It gives them fun things to share with their families over the holidays.

But, sometimes, even when sex crimes happen at Wal-Mart, the cops aren’t that amused.

A 61-year-old sex offender accused of exposing himself in a Walmart parking lot was arrested after police researched the tag of the vehicle he was thought to be driving, according to records released Thursday.

Gary Warren Scarfo, of the 5600 block of Southeast Pot O Gold Place in Stuart, was arrested Wednesday on an exposure of sexual organs charge in connection with the Aug. 13 incidents at a Walmart Supercenter in the 10800 block of South U.S. 1.

A man identified as a victim told Port St. Lucie police that as he left the Walmart Supercenter parking lot he saw a man committing a lewd act on himself outside his car. The man said the accused sex organ exposer “appeared to be watching the Walmart customers as he was masturbating,” records state.

The man’s wife also said she saw the lewd act.

The man provided police a tag number of the accused sex organ exposer’s vehicle, saying it was a beige Toyota Camry. The man said the accused sex organ exposer had a dark beard and mustache and was about 45 to 55 years old.

Police viewed video surveillance of the incident, though the footage wasn’t particularly clear.

The vehicle’s registered owner didn’t match the accused sex organ exposer’s description. The owner, however, said his neighbor — Scarfo — had the vehicle. The owner said he lets Scarfo, who was 60 at the time of the incident, use the car whenever he needs to.

Scarfo, a registered sex offender, didn’t return calls from police.

Police got a warrant for Scarfo’s arrest, and he was arrested Wednesday on the misdemeanor exposure charge.

My fifth step father was from Stuart. He wasn’t a sex offender, but he was a jerk.

So, there you have it. More proof that Florida is where the gene pool went to dry up and die.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BBfybCPkjA&w=480&h=360]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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