People Not Like Us

Oh, Brian, I feel your pain. Allow me to sneeze in sympathy.
We all know that one special person, usually a guy, who somehow, despite life’s best efforts, continues to breathe our air and comment on that fact. This is not the person who’s done something a little off center, this is the person who had his eyelids tattooed pink. And then noted that his career in customer service had been hampered by his boss’ wrongheaded devotion to dealing with the customers. In other words, the kind of person who makes life choices that would baffle the most unusual among us. Also, no matter what, this person needs $20 until Tuesday. It is with that delightful species of sub human in mind that we tackle today’s numerous stories.

Let’s start with the festive. Scottsdale, Arizona’s gun club is offering pictures of your child sitting with Santa. That’s sweet. However, and this is the slightly less sweet part, the adorable little scamps also get to pose with a high powered assault weapon, of their choice, and try out machine guns on a private range. The fact that they are spitting distance from sight of Gabby Gifford’s near death experience, and the death of several innocent lives – including a child, seems lost on them. Instead they are calling it a celebration of their, and Santa’s I presume, Second Amendment rights.

Of course we all know the traditional Christmas poem; “Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, everyone was packing, even the mouse ….”

Next year I’m sure they’ll have the Three Wise Men inspired Holiday Rocket Launcher.

Of course not all idiots live in the American south. Police in Britain have released a letter that an inmate was forced to write as an apology to all the people he’d robbed.

I don’t no (sic) why I am writing a letter to you! I have been forced to write this letter by ISSP,” he wrote, referring to a program that administers non-custodial punishment to young offenders. “To be honest I’m not bothered or sorry about the fact that I burgled your house. Basicly (sic) it was your own fault anyways (sic). I’m going to run you through the dumb mistakes you made.

The boy noted his victims failed to draw their curtains before they went to sleep and were “thick enough” to leave their downstairs window open.

“But anyways I don’t feel sorry for you and Im (sic) not going to show any sympath (sic) or remores (sic).

Yes, that’s right, it’s the homeowner’s fault he robbed them. Keep that in mind the next time you’re robbed. We wouldn’t want you mistakenly blaming the poor burglar.

Oy Freaking Vey!

This just in, the Kardashians are still as stupid as bricks.

Speaking of white trash, let’s take a gander at Ryan L. Fitzgerald and the woman of his dreams.

Tattoo artist, Ryan L. Fitzjerald was hit with a $100,000 lawsuit last week by his ex-girlfriend Rossie Brovent. She claims that her boyfriend was supposed to tattoo a scene from Narnia on her back but instead tattooed an image of a pile of excrement with flies buzzing around it.

It turns out that Rossie had been cheating on Ryan with one of his oldest friends, but rather than confront her, Ryan hatched a plan. He got Rossie to sign a waiver saying that the design of the tattoo was up to the “artist’s discretion” and then went to work.

Now, how in the heck did she let this thing get done, it covers her whole back, without once taking a peek as it progressed? I have several fine samples of body art and I assure you that I knew what was happening every step of the way.

Just FYI, that waiver she signed isn’t going to be worth any more than the apology letter above.

However, as long as we’re chatting about excrement – you’re getting kind of scared now, aren’t you? – we may as well hop over to Japan where scientists have invented a motorcycle that runs on human poop.

A new motorcycle that has a toilet for a seat and runs on sewage just completed a 600-mile trek across Japan.

The eco-friendly, three-wheel Neo runs on biogas produced from sewage and was built by Japanese toilet maker Toto. It has a (non-working) toilet for a seat and a giant roll of toilet paper mounted on the back.

While the bike is not for sale and not designed for mass production, Toto hopes it will promote um, renewable energy. The bike’s fuel is produced from a combination of household and livestock waste, broken down and fermented, company spokesman Kenji Fujita said.

“Although the seat of the bike is indeed a toilet, it is not for actual use,” Fujita told Reuters. “The fuel is eco-friendly biogas, stored in the tanks on the back.”

“It’s a surprisingly nice way to travel.”

The motorcycle can reach 45 miles per hour.

Ichie Tanaka, one of six people who rode the Neo across Japan during the three-week tour, said she was relieved the journey was over.

“At first when I saw the bike, I was taken aback. But after riding it, I found it quite interesting,” she said. “It doesn’t hurt at all and is actually quite comfortable to sit on.”

Well, with Christmas coming up all I can say is you’ll need to get your orders in early.

Oh, what the heck, since we’re on this subject, we may as well scoot on down to Florida where three people were arrested for committing a massive toilet paper scam.

This, as you may have figured out, could only happen in Florida.

A South Florida trio is facing up to two decades in prison after conning elderly customers into buying unnecessary septic products — in some cases more than 70 years worth of toilet paper, federal prosecutors say.

Salespeople for FBK Products, of West Palm Beach, told their victims that they needed the company’s special toilet paper to avoid ruining their septic tanks. The reason: the federal government changed regulations on toilet paper, the company claimed.

Three of the suspects, Christopher Lincoln, Mary Moore and Joseph Nouerand, this week pleaded guilty in federal court to conspiring to commit wire fraud. They agreed to cooperate with prosecutors and will be sentenced in February.

Three others are awaiting trial. Prosecutors said the company scammed about $1 million from more than a dozen victims from across the country.

In phone pitches, salespeople claimed the company was affiliated with the Environmental Protection Agency, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration and the U.S. Department of Agriculture. One product, the $199 Septic Remedy treatment, would eliminate the need to have their tanks pumped, the company claimed.

Victims were also told that they needed special soap, detergent and toilet paper or their septic tanks would not pass federal inspection. But the EPA does not regulate septic tank products, according to the U.S. Attorney’s Office.

A million dollars worth of toilet paper? Really? That’s kind of impressive when you think about it. Of course you’re talking about a state where people like talking to telemarketers, so that may have something to do with it.

After all, who else in their right mind would want to chat with these fine examples of Darwinism gone wrong?

Oh, and one helpful hint for people trying very hard to find a good excuse to avoid taking their daughters to see Twilight. The birth scene, called one of the grossest ever filmed by Roger Ebert, causes seizures in some people.

Glad to be of service.

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Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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