A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That

They sell floating eyeballs, in case you need something like that.
Some days I end up staring at the news stories the Nude Hippo robot drops off each morning and wonder how I’m going to make anything coherent out of them. Other mornings are laid out as neatly as if they’d been vetted by interns. Every now and then, however, there’s nothing I can do but punt. It’s just a weird overload. And, by that, I mean there’s way too much weird in the world today. Let’s start with an easy one. The bright people of Derby, Connecticut just elected James J. Butler to their city counsel. All well and good except for one teeny weeny problem. He wasn’t running. James R. Butler was. Even better is the fact that, legally, they’re supposed to swear in James J. even though he wants nothing to so with the office. Yes, James R. is the father of James J., but that isn’t helping matters at all. Now, common sense says that it was a typo and everyone thought they were voting for James R., especially since he was running for a second term, but common sense and laws often end up in different parts of the room. They’ve got a couple of weeks to figure it out before the official swearing in ceremonies.

In other news, a gentleman who will never qualify for Mensa, called police when the boat he stole ran out of gas. Police were happy to pick him up and get him a nice, comfy, room at the local jail.

In WHEN NATURE ATTACKS news, a wild turkey busted up a Pennsylvania restaurant on Thanksgiving.

A wild turkey apparently flew into an Eat’n Park restaurant on — of all days — Thanksgiving.

The 15-pound turkey was found among a pile of shattered glass on the carpet near some booth tables around 3 p.m.
Nobody was inside the restaurant on Frankstown Road, which was closed for the holiday.

Penn Hills police Officer Bernard Sestili responded when the building’s alarm went off. He said the turkey flew into the window and was not thrown.

“Probably was roosted in one of the trees in this wooded area back here, got up this morning and went for his morning flight and flew into the window,” Sestili said. “Fighting back, on Thanksgiving — how ironic.”

And, yes, they did use the word “ironic” correctly. Now, on to the important issue. There’s really a restaurant called “Eat ‘n Park?” Shouldn’t that be “Park ‘n Eat?” Or do they just throw food at you as you whiz by?

Rural America is getting weirder every day.

Oh well, on to stolen sperm in the news.

No, I am not making this up. Just read the story.

A Houston man has launched a unique court battle, claiming his twin sons resulted from his sperm being stolen and taken to a Houston fertility clinic without his knowledge, KPRC, NBC’s Houston station, reported on Tuesday.

“Actually, I couldn’t believe it could be done. I was very, very devastated,” said Joe Pressil, a 36-year-old telecommunications manager.

“I couldn’t believe that this fertility clinic could actually do this without my consent, or without my even being there,” he told KPRC.

Pressil said he hadn’t considered having a family, and his religious beliefs would never allow him to visit a fertility clinic or participate in any form of artificial insemination. Yet three months after he broke up with his girlfriend, she became pregnant with his sperm at the Advanced Fertility Center of Texas on the Katy Freeway near Beltway 8.

In his lawsuit, Pressil said he found out about the plot when a receipt arrived in the mail, listing him as the patient.

“Pressil was listed as the ‘patient’ on the receipt even though he had never been to (the clinic) nor ever sought treatment for male infertility,” according to his lawsuit.

His ex-girlfriend gave birth to twin boys and then sued him for child support. She was granted that child support after blood tests confirmed Pressil was the father.

Pressil said his ex-girlfriend always claimed she was unable to have children due to a medical condition involving fibroids. He also said she claimed that her condition required a certain sort of condom be used during sex. Now, in hindsight, he said that seems suspicious.

“I did notice a little bit because she would take the condom and ask me to discard it. And usually, a male would discard their own property, but she would always take the condom and she would run off out of the room and I just didn’t think anything of it. And I didn’t think that anyone could use a condom and bring it to a clinic to get an in vitro,” he said.

An attorney representing the Advanced Fertility Center and Omni-Med Laboratories, Danny Sheena, called the lawsuit “suspect” and “disingenuous.”

Okay, guys, if your date is collecting your condoms you might want to have a nice chat with her prior to breaking up. You might also want to keep your pants zipped until you figure out what she’s doing. And, yes, I know that sperm makes a wonderful face cream, but still …….

Speaking of women who are completely bat s**t crazy, a San Diego lady is marching around town in a bikini (it’s about 50 degrees there now) and has gone on a hunger strike because her dog is missing.

Sure, it makes sense to you, but what about everybody else?

A woman took to the streets Wednesday to find her lost Chihuahua, and she won’t clothe herself or eat until the dog comes home.

Arlene Mossa Corona wore a bikini and held up a sign with pictures of her dog Chispita in the intersection of La Jolla Village Drive and Genesee Avenue in San Diego, Calif., on Wednesday morning.

The only other option was to wear her bikini in the 50-degree weather and not eat until she finds the dog, Corona said in an email. She listed her phone number and multiple pictures of Chispita on her signs.

“Against my family’s wishes, I will be skipping my family Thanksgiving celebration this year and standing out there alone in an effort to be reunited with my dog,” she said. “Thanksgiving won’t be the same without Chispita.”

Cars honked and men whistled and shouted cat-calls at the woman as she held up her sign, wearing red pumps, a white bikini top and blue bikini bottom — the nation’s colors, she said, to represent military personnel coming home. She hopes the same will be true of her dog.

A maintenance worker in her La Jolla apartment complex told Corona that he saw a girl take the dog. Corona believes that if the dog was stolen, whoever took it may be too afraid to return it.

Or, and you can call me crazy, maybe the person who stole it really wanted to steal it and doesn’t want to give it back. I know, that’s silly talk, but it still should be considered.

Moving on to patriotism in the news, we have proof that it’s not just women who are completely nuts. A man wearing nothing but an American flag drove his Jeep up the steps of the Indianapolis War Memorial. He yelled at police who, after finally giving up trying to make any sense out of what he was yammering on about, arrested him. Of course, before they could do so he started a fire. Which, in an all concrete memorial, was easy enough for them to extinguish.

Speaking of fire, some guy in Sweden just burst into flames while waiting for a train.

An unidentified man burst into flames while waiting outside a train station in Sweden, leaving police flummoxed, the Göteborgs-Posten reported.

Witnesses said the man was standing outside a music shop at the Gothenberg central train station around 10:30 p.m. Sunday, when he suddenly caught on fire.

“He just stood there burning outside the shop,” a witness told the paper. “After a while he started screaming. There were a few people about but they just watched him. I ran up to him, tore my coat off and managed to put the fire out together with another guy.”

The man, who sustained serious injuries, was taken to Gothenburg’s Sahlgrenska hospital, where he was sedated.

Police have been at the hospital since the incident trying to piece together what happened.

“All we know is that it’s a man. We have no knowledge of his identity, nor of his age or any motive or even the circumstances of the incident,” Asa Anderson, a police officer, told the newspaper.

The man has not been in a condition to speak, said the officer.

“He is sedated and will probably remain under for another couple of weeks.”

Police do not suspect foul play.

Take this sentence – “He just stood there burning outside the shop” – and think creative suicide. Although I could think of many less painful ways to go, it really does seem like this guy wanted to be 100% sure. Except for the fact that onlookers put him out.

Maybe next time he’ll plan better.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y47G-Wa4qfs&w=480&h=360]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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