Santas, Bananas and Sex

No, I did not need to see this
Sometimes you have to get a little outside your comfort zone to find stuff to keep folks entertained. Since my comfort zone actually has its own zip code I needed to do some traveling for you kids today. But, I assure you, it’s been worth it. I started off my day by finding the International Air Sex Championships. There’s a photo essay when you click the link and, believe it or not, it’s safe for work. What it comes down to is this; just like that nerd that no one talks to who plays air guitar, these people – may I use that word? – gather together to pretend to have sex with an imaginary person while fully clothed. One woman even brought power tools. I bet Home Depot is thrilled.

Of course some people -and I can use that word here – prefer to have their sex the old fashioned way. Out in the middle of the street just like God intended. Police in Papau, New Guinea are searching for a man who conned an entire village to have public sex so they could have bigger bananas.

It’s okay to laugh.

Papua New Guinea police are hunting the leader of a sex cult that promised villagers a bumper banana harvest if they engaged in public sex.

The alert was raised after a villager from Yamina in Morobe province walked 12 hours to the nearest town to report the cult’s activities.

He told police the cult’s leader and his followers have been using threats of violence to force people to have sex in public for the past four months.

The Post Courier reports villagers had been promised their banana harvest would increase every time they fornicated publicly.

Three police officers trekked into the village over the weekend but the leader, identified as Thomas Peli, was able to escape into the bush.

Police reinforcements are being sent to the area.

Why do we even bother sending people to school? I’m amazed this hasn’t caught on in Florida. Although what they’d come up with to get bigger oranges frightens me … a little.

Oh well, as long as we’re talking about sex, Houston police are reminding all their residents that handguns and sex don’t match up all that well.

Deborah Yvette Parker is accused of killing her common-law husband after allegedly shooting him during a sex game they called “Dirty Cowboy.”

The 38-year-old woman faces manslaughter. A prosecutor tells the Houston Chronicle, “She did admit to being in possession of the handgun and using it as a toy during foreplay with the victim’s acquiescence and request for it to be used in that manner.”

There are multiple definitions for the term “Dirty Cowboy” and only one of them mildly appeals to me. And that would have to be with a very open minded young lady.

In other words, fingers yes, guns no.

But, as you are all well aware, the holidays will soon be thrust upon us. And nothing says, to me at least, Merry Christmas more than a couple hundred naked Santas cruising down the street.

It always feels good to be part of something larger than yourself; it’s why people march in protests, attend music festivals or voluntarily watch the World Cup.

This being San Francisco, it’s also why a large group of people, all dressed in Santa hats and little else, are planning on coming together in an effort to set the world record for the largest gathering of naked Santas ever recorded.

This world record attempt, which will be fully documented for posterity by the good people at Guinness, comes as part of San Francisco’s tenth annual Santacon party on December 10th.

Started in San Francisco in the mid-1990s, Santacon is an annual celebration of Santa Claus wherein hundreds of revelers dress up like Kris Kringle and commit wanton acts of intoxicated debauchery in bars and on street corners across the city.

If you’ve ever wandered past a rowdy pub on a crisp December evening and wondered why two gentlemen dressed as Santa Claus were engaged in a fistfight, Santacon was almost undoubtedly to blame.

While the attempt to break the naked Santa world record is, given San Franciscan’ penchant for public nudity, obviously a Bay Area original, Santacon has gradually become an international phenomenon with parties packed with the jolliest of old St. Nicks stretching from Beijing to Belfast.

According to the event’s Facebook page, an official location will be announced on December 9th. All holiday-themed nudity enthusiasts are encouraged to participate as long as they obey a few simple rules:

You have to be naked, but CAN and SHOULD be at least wearing a Santa hat. Boots/boot covers and gloves are also OK. Otherwise, it’s Full Monty or nuthin’

No Elves, No Reindeer, etc. San Francisco LOVE’s all Santacon revelers, but Guinness will be strict about the “Santa” requirement.

You’ll have to sign some paperwork with your name, address and email and an OK to take your photo, that’s part of the Guinness rules too.

Don’t worry about breaking the law; public nudity is perfectly legal in San Francisco as long as it’s not of an explicitly sexual nature.

Although, due some recently enacted local legislation, if any nude Santas have the urge to sit down on a public bench, they’re going to have to put down a towel first.

Not to be outdone, of course, New Yorkers recently took to the boardwalk of Cony Island to hold a mermaid parade.

Coney Island’s annual Mermaid Parade brings out a colorful assortment of free-thinking — and free-freaking — New Yorkers.

The Mermaid Parade is a chance to dress up like your favorite sea creature and march or ride through Brooklyn’s most famous fun-in-the-sun playground.

You’ll see coconut bikini tops, grass skirts and all sorts of wigs at this parade, a favorite for shock artists.

Despite the wild outfits, like this one worn by Andrea Sparacino, the Mermaid Parade is fun for the whole family.

Sideshow performers and performance artists have long found Coney Island to be a venue for entertainment you just won’t find many places.

The first carousal opened in 1876, and ever since, Coney Island has been a recreation destination, especially for New York’s working class. More than 120 years later, even if you can’t afford to take your family to Disney World, there’s a never-ending party in Brooklyn.

Coney Island held its own Mardis Gras from 1803 to 1954, and the Mermaid Parade was designed to pay homage to that celebration.

The mermaid parade is designed for “family fun.” So, while it is legal for women to be topless in New York, they usually don’t do it here.

I guess seeing naked boobs while you’re on your school buss is fine but seeing them festively decorated is bad.

No, I can’t explain that either.

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Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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