You Wanna Do What?

Seriously, have you thought this through?
Several of our regular readers wanted to get my take on the whole Jerry Sandusky nightmare that’s been unfolding in Pennsylvania. I did so on another blog, that you can read by clicking the pervert’s name, due to the theme of the piece. It just wasn’t a good fit here. Not that the producers or editors here would have had a problem, but it would have stuck out like a sore thumb. And, now having written that, I feel the need to cleanse my soul with something a little more lighthearted. I hope you don’t mind.

So let’s get this party started. And I mean that literally.

A California man bought a used SUV and found half a million dollars worth of coke hidden in it.

WHOOPEE!

A California man was stunned to see what a previous owner of his minivan apparently left behind: $500,000 worth of cocaine jammed in the door panels.

San Jose psychologist Charles Preston says the cellophane-wrapped cocaine was found when he took the van to a mechanic. Police were immediately notified.

Preston says he noticed the driver’s side window wouldn’t go down all the way, but he figured he would live with it because the Town and Country van had a good air conditioning system.

Thrifty Car Sales owner Ron Battistella says he’s willing to replace the van with a drug-free ride.

One thing you know right away is that the nice people at Thrifty Car Sales don’t detail the rides they put on the lot. Second thing I know is that the idiot who sold the car is going to have a lot of splainin to do. Even if the cops don’t catch him, someone is missing half a mil worth of blow and they are not going to be happy about that. It isn’t like that stuff’s insured.

Of course cocaine isn’t the most terrible thing people put in their bodies. Chinese scientists have announced they will begin selling tea made from panda poop.

One may imagine that the world’s most expensive tea might have some curative properties, but using panda feces as a fertilizer definitely seems a little bizarre. An Yashi, a college lecturer at Sinchuan University who is developing the tea, explains, “Pandas have a very poor digestive system and only absorb about 30 percent of everything they eat. That means their excrement is rich in fibres and nutrients.”

Yashi believes that his tea blend may be able to fetch up to about $36,000 per pound. He collects the excrement from a panda breeding center in southern China.

Somewhat similarly, the world’s most expensive coffee comes from the droppings of the civet, a cat-like mammal. Who knew that feces could be the key to such delicacies?

There’s a great scene in The Bucket List where Jack Nicholson’s character realizes that his $50,000 cup of coffee is made from weasel poop.

As others have noted, the rich are different than us.

We are the 99%, we do not drink panda poop.

Maybe that could be their rallying cry.

Anyway, moving on, while humans continue to put bad things in their own bodies, at least they’re limiting the damage. It’s when they start putting their stuff in unsuspecting animal orifices that things get a seriously weird.

Just FYI, it is now, after several attempts to write a law in English, illegal in Florida to have sex with animals. But, if you go to one of the 14 states where it’s still legal, keep this in mind; Your penis may rot off.

This couldn’t happen to a nicer group of guys.

If you’re searching for a reason not to have sex with animals, add this to the list: It could give you penis cancer, according to a new study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

The authors found that men who have had sex with animals were twice as likely to develop penile cancer as those who stick with their own kind.

Lead author Stenio de Cassio Zequi, a urologist in Sao Paulo, gave Live Science his theory explaining the increased risk.

“We think that the intense and long-term SWA [sex with animals] practice could produce micro-traumas in the human penile tissue,” Zequi said. “The genital mucus membranes of animals could have different characteristics from human genitalia, and the animals’ secretions are probably different from human fluids. Perhaps animal tissues are less soft than ours, and non-human secretions would be toxic for us.”

A member of a pro-zoophilia group told The Huffington Post by email that the results of the study should prompt people to take precautions, like using a condom, when having sex with animals. She added that it was unlikely to deter diehard zoophiles. “They might become more cautious,” she said, “but they wouldn’t change their nature.”

One thing that did change recently was the law in Florida, where a measure banning bestiality received unanimous support in both chambers of the state’s legislature earlier this year (well before Zequi’s study was published). The sentiment was overwhelming but the political process was muddled, requiring three attempts to pass the bill.

That would make Florida the thirty seventh state with such a measure on the books, according to information on the Animal Legal Defense Fund website. The group, which advocates for animal protection laws, said that (prior to the Florida bill), “Thirty-six states (and three U.S. territories) have laws which expressly criminalize the sexual assault of an animal, though these provisions are often poorly equipped to accomplish meaningful convictions. Those states without such statutes are left to consider charges via their anti-cruelty laws, laws which, due to both the nature of the criminal conduct itself and the often lengthy lapses between the assaults and any investigation or examination of the animals, are often ill-fitting for successful prosecutions.”

Zequi’s study is based on a questionnaire about personal and sexual habits completed by 118 penile cancer patients and 374 healthy men recruited between 2009 and 2010.

Additionally, the research found that people who said they have had sex with animals also reported more venereal diseases.

At one point Florida actually outlawed all mammalian sex unless it was done for the good of the herd. It was only later that they found out humans were mammals too. So, for a brief period, you could put your spouse up for stud but you couldn’t have sex with them at home.

I love that state.

Keep in mind that the elected officials in Florida are supposedly college graduates. Or, at least grammar school.

Allegedly.

[vimeo http://www.vimeo.com/5886690 w=400&h=300]

FigDish “When shirts get tight”, UNCENSORED from robert piser on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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