Man, It’s Tough Out There

Forced to Off Off Broadway, the Snuffaluffagus will work for food.
It takes all kinds to make a world. That’s what my granny used to say. She’d usually say it about the same time we’d noticed someone doing something incredibly dumb. You know, like pouring gas on the car instead of into its tank. Yes, we saw a man do that once and, yes, he was clearly hammered out of his mind. Fortunately the attendant noticed it to before the nice man could light his cigar. But sometimes, no matter how much weirdness we’ve been exposed to, there are moments when the jaw is forced to drop. I mean the brain staggeringly dumb moments that defy explanation. And, naturally, our first story comes from Florida.

I know that every male reading this is going to tell his spouse “only a pervert would want to do something like that” and then spend the next six hours wishing like hell that he was that pervert. But, since this is Florida we’re talking about, you know something went horribly wrong.

How do I put this? This idiot’s wife agreed to a threesome and he screwed it up.

A Southwest Florida man’s planned threesome with his wife and another woman ended with him behind bars on felony battery charges after he allegedly punched and swung a TV at his bride.

Jorge Daniel Silva of Naples was arrested Sunday after police said he became enraged when the threesome went awry, according to a Collier County Sheriff’s Office report obtained by the Naples Daily News.

Silva’s wife told deputies that her husband “freaked out” when the three of them began kissing and started hitting her, the report said.

The wife and the other woman locked themselves in a bedroom, but Silva broke through the door and continued the attack, the report said.

As the wife curled up to avoid getting hit, Silva punched her and “swung the TV at her like a bat.” Silva hit her twice with the TV before dropping it on her, then grabbed a second TV set and threw it at her, the report said.

When the other woman tried to break it up, she told deputies, Silva would punch her, the report said.

Deputies arrived and found Silva’s wife covered in blood, her face swollen and sporting what looked like a broken nose.

Silva told deputies his wife had attacked him after she kissed the other woman, and said he was jealous after the women started kissing and wouldn’t let him in on it. He also said he knocked down the bedroom door because he thought the two were having sex without him, the report said.

The report said all three appeared to be under the influence of alcohol.

The 22-year-old was taken into custody and was released Monday on $7,500 bond, according to jail records. It was unknown whether he has an attorney.

Okay, let’s be frank here for a minute. Oh, okay, you can be Herb. Anyway, speaking as someone who has actually lived a portion or two of his life slightly off center I find it almost impossible to mess up a threesome. I don’t care how much booze you’ve had, there are two naked women with you and they are willing to share. And, bonus, if you need a breather they can entertain each other while you go for beer.

There is no way – or so I thought – that anyone could mess this up.

I sit corrected.

Of course, while threesomes are cool, Suffolk County New Yorkers are just cold.

They fired Santa Claus.

Faced with the difficult task of balancing a budget in austere times, officials in New York’s Suffolk County said on Friday they had no choice: they had to sack Santa Claus.

The county executive said he could not justify carving out $660 from his $2.7 billion budget to pay David McKell, 83, a World War II veteran and former homicide detective, to don his Santa suit for the tenth year running and greet children on Long Island.

“How do you justify that expenditure when a health center is losing money?” Steve Levy, the Suffolk County Executive, said in an interview.

He said that some 750 county employees were facing layoffs as a result of budget restraints, including what he described as a $20 million cut in state aid to the county’s health system.

“Let either the private sector come forward with a donation, or, better yet, let’s tap the volunteers in the community,” he said.

Levy was quickly called a Grinch by his opponents.

“Do we really have to hold Santa Claus hostage to balance the budget?” said Bill Lindsay, a Democrat and the presiding officer of the county legislature.

“I mean, $600? Give me a break,” Joseph Sawicki, a Republican who as county comptroller is charged with overseeing the county government’s fiscal prudence, said in an interview. “There comes a point where you go overboard in terms of penny-pinching.”

County officials said dozens of people had come forward offering to pay for Santa’s services and Levy himself volunteered to don a Santa suit for a shift or two.

In the end, Steve Bellone, the current town supervisor of nearby Babylon, who is running as the Democratic candidate to succeed Levy, said he would pay for Santa.

Levy, who is not running for reelection, dismissed Bellone’s gesture as “pure grandstanding”, and said his office was investigating whether the check breached rules governing gifts to county agencies.

McKell, the Santa at the center of the storm, said Bellone’s check — part of which would cover gas and other Santa expenses — had resolved the matter.

“I wish him (Levy)a very merry Christmas and a happy new year,” McKell said.

Seriously, firing Santa? No wonder he’s not running for reelection.

First some tool screw up a threesome and then some yahoo screws up Christmas? What’s next?

You had to ask didn’t you? You just had to go and do it.

Okay, here you go.

The selected works of Lady GaGa as interpreted by a group of Chinese senior citizens.


Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!


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