Paul Simon once famously sang that we live in these days of miracle and wonder. I wonder if he still feels the same. Oh, sure, he got to see Edie Brikell naked more than we did, but still, not even that can ameliorate the reality that entombs us daily. I mean there are some seriously strange people roaming among us pretending that they’re just like you and me. And the part that frightens me the most is that they may be right at some fundamentally warped level. We all think about doing insane stuff. The difference between us and them is we have a filter. That one stopgap that says “No, this really isn’t the moment you want on your tombstone.” And yet, there are those who seem to be missing that filter. Who seem to carpe diem in ways the rest of us can only envy and deplore simultaneously.
I’ll give you an example. You or I buy a horse and we think of riding it or using it to pull a plow or racing it or some such mundane silliness. However, a woman in Portland Oregon bought herself a horse so she could kill it, gut it and then pose for naked pictures in its carcass.
Do you see the difference?
Also, for those of you looking for vacation ideas, her behavior is not illegal in Oregon.
All right, let’s try another. You and your significant other are at home, enjoying the latest episode of How I Met Your Mother. During the course of the evening you play with, and maybe even tease a little, your beloved family pet. Often times these moments are the ones we cherish most. Right? Obviously wrong. A Snellville, Georgia couple took that particular moment to feed their dachshund LSD (via a gummy bear) and then freaked out when the dog freaked out and ran away. So, naturally, they took off their clothes to search for the dog. The dog, once found later by a relative, had been hit by a car, was completely hostile and later died. The happy couple were hospitalized for their drug use, the people who found the dog were treated for wounds inflicted by the dying animal and charges are still be added as I write.
Again, for your vacation plans, being naked and stoned in public is illegal in Georgia. As is force feeding your pet acid. Make a note before you call your travel agent.
Moving on, you want to have that wonderful moment with you significant other. Maybe a playful round of romance highlighted by a naughty moment that you both manage to keep off You Tube. Most people, believe it or not, tend to keep their sex lives private. Some just barely, I will grant, but private nevertheless. This is not true in Florida.
You have to read this. You’ll think I’m kidding otherwise.
Many people leave courthouses feeling screwed. These two young lovebirds did, too.
Police said two University of Florida students were caught having sex on a picnic table at the construction site of a federal courthouse in Jacksonville, Fla., according to WJXT-TV.
Jarred Dauth, 21, and Maya Manseur, 23, managed to climb a 6-foot fence to get to the spot where they were seen naked having sex, according to a police report.
Both suspects have been charged with indecent exposure and trespassing.
Barstool Sports notes that the alleged transgression took place on the weekend the Florida Gators football team took on their hated rivals, the Georgia Bulldogs.
In light of this fact, the blog argues the charges against the couple should be dropped.
“I thought this was one of those weekends where anything goes,” one Barstool blogger writes.
The allegedly voyeuristic Gators are just one of the couples cuffed for public copulation over the last several weeks.
Last month, a Charleston, S.C. twosome was arrested after cops say they found them having sex inside a museum, according to KLTV.
The Smoking Gun reported in October on a pair of straphangers who were arrested for having sex on a public bus in Montoursville, Pa.
Okay, this is proof that a college education isn’t worth as much as it used to be. Courthouses are where they keep judges and cops and people with guns and so on. On the long list of places I have engaged for a romantic interlude, courthouses never crossed my mind.
Speaking of people who will never be Mensa candidates, cops in Washington have to be laughing their posteriors off today.
A pair of suspects in a rural Washington break-in proved easy to identify. The two left behind a video of themselves having sex inside the home. The Grays Harbor County Sheriff’s Office said a neighbor who came to collect the mail while the homeowner was away surprised a man and a woman having sex on the living room floor. The naked couple fled, abandoning a video camera they were using to film their illicit lovemaking. Chief Deputy Dave Pimentel told KXRO-AM that the video camera had been stolen elsewhere. Deputies who watched the video recognized the couple from previous contacts. The 39-year-old female was promptly arrested for investigation of burglary. An arrest warrant has been issued for the 31-year-old male.
But not all naked people are harmless. Philly cops weren’t amused at all by the naked guy making bombs and building an arsenal.
Falls police said they confiscated several semi-automatic weapons, 20,000 rounds of ammunition and possible bomb-making materials from a house near Pennsbury High School early Wednesday morning.
The homeowner, who was naked, surrendered outside his home at about 4 a.m. and was involuntarily committed for a mental health evaluation, police said.
Property records identified the homeowner as Scott Slavin; police and neighbors confirmed he was the person who surrendered. Slavin, who turns 54 on Thursday, has not been charged.
The incident began late Tuesday night when the man’s girlfriend told police he had kept her hostage in the Fairless Hills house for two days and wouldn’t let her bathe, police said. She said her boyfriend, who holds a Ph.D. from the University of Pennsylvania, also was mixing chemicals together that could’ve made an explosive, police said.
The house, on the 700 block of Warwick Road, was surrounded by the SWAT team. The Philadelphia police department’s bomb squad also arrived.
Falls Lt. Hank Ward said police evacuated several nearby homes as a precaution. Police confirmed they had previous contacts with Slavin, who was known to keep a large cache of weapons. In addition, police were concerned by the girlfriend’s assertion that Slavin was mixing chemicals together.
Ward said police initially believed the man had a much larger collection of guns including several fully automatic weapons because he once had a special federal permit to possess such guns. However, the U.S. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives revoked that permit several years ago and confiscated the automatic weapons, Ward said.
Snipers set up on rooftops and other SWAT team members hid in the shadows, neighbors said. An armored police vehicle drove up on the man’s lawn and police officers spoke through a speaker, asking Slavin to pick up his phone or exit his house, neighbors said. He eventually surrendered.
No one was injured and school began on time, officials said.
“We had to get this done,” Ward said in reference to school starting within hours of the incident.
Police found about a dozen legally owned firearms inside the home, some of which matched the type held by the SWAT team outside, Ward said. Those firearms included a .308 caliber rifle and an M4 carbine, which is in the same family of weapon as the M-16, Ward said.
The man also possessed a “Tommy” gun, a . 357 handgun and a British cavalry saber, among other weapons, police said.
Many of the guns were kept in a safe, Ward said. The lieutenant added that the man can no longer carry firearms because of Wednesday’s involuntary commitment. The weapons will be destroyed, Ward said.
The chemicals found in the man’s house were legal, Ward added.
“But it didn’t make sense that he had them together,” Ward said.
The kinds of chemicals that were found next to each other could have been mixed together to make an explosive, Ward said. Police would not identify the chemicals.
Falls police were assisted by the ATF as well as officers from Bensalem and Bristol Township who, along with Falls, were part of the SWAT team that responded.
John Bartkowski said he has lived across the street from Slavin for many years. He said the man kept to himself and rarely said hello.
“He’s not evil,” Bartkowski said. “I could get a lot worse neighbors. He maintained his home. He didn’t bother you.”
Bartkowski said he watched the whole incident unfold, culminating with the armored police vehicle driving up on the man’s lawn.
“It sounded like a car alarm, and then a robotic voice said, ‘Dr. Scott, this is the police. We’re here to help you. Pick up the phone.'”
“He’s not evil.” And how did this man come to this incredibly insightful conclusion? His neighbor, the one with the bombs and guns, mowed his lawn and kept his music down.
It really should take more than that.
Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!