Archives for November 2011

We’ve all done things that didn’t turn out exactly as planned. Since you’re not here to defend yourself, I’ll give a personal example. When I was a kid I wanted a rocket launcher. Well, what kid doesn’t? As regular readers of this blog know I made some unusual choices as a child. Anyway, like I said, I wanted a rocket launcher. Since my family thought this was an incredibly bad idea I was shut down. Or so they hoped. Instead I decided to build my own. After all, how hard could it be? I made my rocket launcher out of a pop bottle which I filled with Lysol spray, since I’d discovered that Lysol spray burns and I wanted a rocket launcher with some oomph (full story at end of this video link). Into this I set a large bottle rocket which I ignited with a match. The fact that I’m writing this let’s you know I survived. But it wasn’t a given at the time. There were pieces of broken glass spread for about 10 to fifteen feet and they were all flaming due to the Lysol stuck to them. Somehow I managed not to burn anything down and received only minor cuts and bruises. So the next time you’re in church and your priest/minister/pastor says God protects fools and children, you’ll know he’s telling the truth.

Journalist Mariella Frostup knows how I felt. She wanted to do something fun by putting a couple of plants on her balcony and suddenly every British pervert within miles wants to have sex with her and her husband. And maybe the kids.

The addition of a pair of pampas grass plants to Mariella Frostrup’s balcony were no doubt intended to bring a rural touch to her London flat.

However, the television and radio presenter has spoken of her alarm after learning she had inadvertently identified herself as a swinger by planting the grasses outside her Notting Hill home.

Since the arrival of her two Cortaderia selloana plants, the married 49-year-old said she has been inundated with unwanted inquiries.

Unbeknown to the gravelly-voiced journalist, planting the decorative species at the front of a home is regarded by some as a code sign that the occupants engage in wife swapping.

Frostrup, who has two children, said she is now desperately trying to get rid of the plants which grow in dense tussocks up to 10ft tall, and are native to South America.

Revealing her gaffe on Twitter, the BBC arts presenter wrote: “Who knew that pampas grass plants are a signal to fellow swingers?

“Bought two and put them on my balcony. Neighbours have been swarming!”

She later added: “Anyone want a Pampas Grass plant for Christmas, or better still, two?”

The disclosure sparked a flood of jovial remarks from her followers on the social networking site.

One advised: “They are supposed to be secret code that swingers live in the house – you know – car keys in the bowl …”

One remarked: “You obviously live in a swinging hot spot!”

Another added: “The middle class village we used to live in was awash with them. You’d never have guessed it by looking at them.”

In response, Frostrup, who is married to human rights lawyer Jason McCue, seven years her junior, jokingly wrote: “Can I borrow some sugar and your husband?”

Frostrup, who, as a Sunday newspaper agony aunt, is normally used to advising others on sexual matters, yesterday sought advice on a replacement for the offending plants.

“Any tips on what to replace the clearly misguiding Pampas with – does a humble Yukka send subversive messages too?” the women’s rights campaigner asked.

Frostrup could not be contacted for comment yesterday.

You know, as worldly as I am, I did not know that Pampas Grass was a sign that I wanted to pimp out my significant other. I learn something new every day on this job.

Another thing I learned is that I will never put a laptop on my lap while using Wi-Fi. It destroys sperm.

No You Tube video is worth that.

Surfing the internet on a laptop that is connected with wireless technology can damage sperm counts, a study suggests.

Researchers discovered a personal computer using wi-fi that is placed near male reproductive organs reduced sperm quality and the chances of men experiencing fatherhood.

Scientists found sperm placed under a laptop that used wireless technology suffered more damage than specimens kept at the same temperature but away from a wi-fi signal.

The bench side tests undertaken by the American and Argentinian team showed sperm were less able to swim and had irreversible changes in the genetic code.

Experts suggested the findings, published in this month’s Fertility and Sterility journal, were caused by the electromagnetic radiation emitted by wireless communication that damages semen.

The team also cautioned that the results were carried out in an artificial setting and said men should not overly worry just yet.

The study, from a team from the Nascentis Centre for Reproductive Medicine in Cordoba, Argentina and and the Eastern Virginia Medical School, a quarter of the sperm placed next to a laptop for just a few hours were killed .
Evidence of DNA damage was also found.

In comparison, sperm that was stored at the same temperature but away from a laptop showed a smaller drop in mobility and a significant reduction in DNA damage.

Meanwhile, semen placed under the computer without the wi-fi connected did not experience significant levels of sperm damage.

“Our data suggest that the use of a laptop computer wirelessly connected to the internet and positioned near the male reproductive organs may decrease human sperm quality,” said Dr Conrado Avendano, who led the study.

“At present we do not know whether this effect is induced by all laptop computers connected by Wi-Fi to the internet or what use conditions heighten this effect.”

The findings differ from previous studies because fears over links between infertility and laptops have focused on heat emitted by the devices.

In the latest study, researchers took sperm specimens from 29 healthy men, aged 26 to 45.

Each donor sample was separated out into two pots and either placed under a laptop using wireless technology or away from the computer.

Scientists then used the laptop to download information from the internet for four hours.

They found that 25 per cent of the sperm under the laptop had stopped moving and nine per cent showed DNA damage.

By comparison, just 14 per cent of samples kept away from the wi-fi stopped moving while just three per cent suffered DNA damage.

Yeah, until they figure that out it’s not too much effort to keep my laptop on a table and some lead shielding on my crotch.

In the meantime, try this nightmare on for size. Your family is kidnapped by an armed assailant. Your life is in jeopardy. The cops nail the S.O.B. So, naturally, the S.O.B. sues you for damages.

No, I am not making this up. I couldn’t if I tried.

In one of the more audacious – and head-spinning – lawsuits to hit the courts lately, a fugitive facing a murder charge who took a Kansas couple hostage is now suing his victims for not hiding him from police.

Jesse Dimmick is seeking $235,000 from Jared and Lindsay Rowley in a breach of contract suit involving his 2009 invasion of their home, the Topeka Capital-Journal reported.

Dimmick claims the couple, newlyweds at the time, agreed to hide him for an unspecified amount of money.

“Later, the Rowleys reneged on said oral contract, resulting in my being shot in the back by authorities,” Dimmick wrote in a notarized legal document filed last month, the paper said.

“As a result of the plaintiffs breech (sic) of contract, I, the defendant suffered a gunshot to my back, which almost killed me,” he wrote. “The hospital bills alone are in excess of $160,000, which I have no way to pay.”

The Rowleys are awaiting a ruling on their motion to have the suit dismissed, saying they never accepted Dimmick’s offer of money and even if they had, their consent would have been given under duress.

According to the paper, Dimmick, who was being pursued by police, entered the Rowleys’ home and confronted them at knifepoint. A neighbor said the couple gained his trust by eating snacks and drinking soft drinks with him while watching the movie “Patch Adams,” then fled when he fell asleep.

Dimmick was convicted of four felonies, including two counts of kidnapping, and is currently being held in Colorado on a murder charge, the paper said.

The Rowleys have filed a suit against Dimmick seeking civil damages in excess of $75,000.

I can’t wait to hear a judge rule on this mess. I wonder if profanity is acceptable in cases like this? I would imagine so.

Oh well, let’s move on. It’s late, you’re tight on cash and you’ve locked yourself out of the house. What to do? Play Santa!

Firefighters have rescued a Texas plainsman who proved to be no Santa Claus.

Fire officials say they had to hoist the 22-year-old man by rope from the chimney of his house in southwest Lubbock early Monday after he became stuck in it.

Deputy Fire Marshal Robert Loveless tells the Lubbock Avalanche-Journal that the man had locked himself and his family out of their house about 1 a.m. Monday.

Loveless says the man, wanting to save the price of a locksmith, decided to enter the house through the chimney as his wife and child waited outside.

Loveless says the man’s wife called 911 after he became stuck, and firefighters hauled him out unhurt about an hour later.

Yes, you read that right. Like the legendary blond who locked herself in her car, he was locked out of a house with people in it. Anyone of whom could have opened the door. Had they had a lick of sense.

Speaking of things that don’t make any sense, read here about a a granny who got shot while making dinner.

A Nebraska grandmother was shot in the arm while cooking Thanksgiving dinner in her kitchen by a man who was allegedly aiming at children playing in the street.

“They were shooting outside running, I mean going up that hill at those little kids,” said Cindy Kellogg, neighbor to the woman who was shot.

The woman’s 14-year-oild grandson fell while trying to run from the man. Police say they don’t know why he aimed for children.

“I want to stay in the house with my mom,” said Jazmir Holmes, 8, who plays on the street where shots were fired. “I’m scared.”

“It’s sad to have to want to move, since I did grow up here,” said Jazmir’s mother, Mary Holmes. “This was my mom’s house before she passed, but I’m looking for something better for my kids.”

Doctors say the grandmother is in serious condition but she is expected to survive.

Go ahead, read that again. Do you see the problem?

No one arrested the guy shooting at the kids. That seems to be acceptable behavior in Nebraska. And if you don’t like it ya’ll can move.

Yeah, I think I know another state to avoid like the freaking plague.

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Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

You know what I love about the ancient aliens crowd? I mean besides nothing? It’s how they can take one fact and extrapolate outward until they can find that wonderfully irrational response that ignores the initial fact. There’s a certain skill involved in being that delusional. I’ll give you an example. Most everyone knows what a pyramid is and the Ancient Alien crowd really seems enamored with them, so we’ll start there. Even the most ignorant among us have to agree that to build a pyramid requires very accurate cutting of the stones to put them in place. That is a fact. Now, from there the Ancient Alien crew deduces that they must have been cut with laser guided tools and so on. This, sadly, ignores the fact that the Egyptians had the tools at the time to do the work without alien intervention. Chisels, lots of labor and patience do the job just fine.

But but but …. what about the fact that the Mayans and the Aztecs had pyramids? What about it? A pyramid is one of the easiest designs to build other than a blocked square. And if you wanted to build something tall a pyramid was the way to go. After all, flying buttresses hadn’t been invented yet. And, just FYI, any civilization that could build crafts which could travel a few billion miles would have a more complex knowledge of architecture than stacking stones.

One would hope anyway.

I point out that medieval cathedrals were also built exclusively out of stone using much the same technology, just with more advanced knowledge and skills.

So, when faced with logic the Ancient Alien crowd turns their gaze at something man could not have made. The Martian moon known as Phobos.

For those who aren’t familiar with it, it was discovered, about 20 some years ago, that Phobos is hollow. Not completely, but it does have a massive canyon that extends for thousands of miles under the surface.

That is a fact.

Obviously, according to the yahoo brigade, that means that Phobos is actually an alien star ship.

I have been reading the papers of Richard C. Hoagland recently. He was a consultant to NASA, and during the Apollo missions to the moon, he was science adviser for Walter Cronkite and CBS News. And in addition to being a very qualified scientist with a very interesting background, for years he has led a team of scientists who are investigating his theory that Mars and the moon hold ancient alien artifacts.

Before you quit reading because this sounds crazy, consider that it has been recently found that Phobos, a 15-mile wide moon that orbits Mars, seems to be partially hollow. This is based on information supplied by the European Space Agency regarding it’s Martian Express orbiter. This has also been suggested by the Soviet Union as long ago as 1989 based on their Phobos II probe. For more information and details, I suggest Hoagland’s website at enterprisemission.com. Hoagland suggests that Phobos is an ancient alien space ship, and his theories have great appeal, as he presents compelling evidence.

Rockin ‘n Rollin with the Ancient Aliens

I have long thought that we are not looking in the most obvious place for signs of extraterrestrial intelligence. It is all about the rocks. When we search for signs of E.T., we look for technological evidence. And that usually means looking for something metallic, or a signal in the radio waves of space. But we ignore something that stares us in the face, world wide. Monolithic monuments and structures.

The Ancient Alien Theory is being blasted at us from all sides, that is if you watch television or read periodicals. “Ancient Aliens” is one of the most successful shows on the History Channel. Other cable channels have their own alien programs including even the National Geographic Channel. Almost any night of the week one can find an E.T. program to watch. And if not, there are the huge number of magazines or internet sites. In some recent polling, over half of Americans believe in the existence of UFOs and aliens. It is a very popular subject these days, and for good reason. Occam’s razor might even suggest that it is the most reasonable explanation as to how these megalithic monuments are found throughout the world, and how they might have been constructed considering our inability to reproduce these structures with today’s technology. Are we to believe that archeological sites such as Golbeki Tepe in Turkey were constructed by the humans of 12,000 years ago? Or the pyramids by the Egyptians of 4,000 years ago?

Just Suppose This Theory Is True

I am not writing to debate the reality of Ancient Alien Theory. But for the sake of my own theory, let us stipulate that Ancient Aliens indeed visited Earth and built these monuments. The technology exhibited is astounding when it comes to working stone. These monoliths range from a few tons, like the blocks in the pyramids, to the largest known at over one thousand tons. And that block in the Middle East was placed on small leveling stones. So a block weighing over one thousand tons was lifted and leveled. Just incredible. And in South America, some ancient sites are constructed from monolithic stones that are carved to fit together like a jigsaw puzzle. There are huge structures that are put together with no mortar and you cannot slip a razor blade between them. Some stones were carved from a cliff, transported down the mountain, over a river, and back up the opposite mountain and used there in a construction. And the mountain they were carved from displays a surface that is like polished marble and shows signs of vitrification or extreme heat. Some of today’s best engineers cannot explain these things, much less replicate them. So this ability to work with stone is far advanced from today’s. This was indeed a fantastic ability to mold the hardest stones known to man.

So if we accept E.T.’s ability to do such marvelous things with stone, why would their space ships not utilize this abundant material that is easily obtained throughout the universe? And what better way to cruise space undetected, than in a vehicle that looks like an asteroid? So by looking for only metallic or other obviously manufactured materials, we may be missing very important evidence that is right under our noses. That innocent looking asteroid passing by could house civilized pilots. If we stipulate that aliens visited Earth in the past, and therefore possessed interstellar flight capability, then it is not a stretch to assume they might employ the most abundant material in the universe.

And Richard C. Hoagland has built a very convincing case that we have found a space ship made from an asteroid. And I find that not hard at all to believe. In fact, even if this theory is proven untrue, I think that it is inevitable that we will find E.T. evidence sometime in our future. And it just might be found inside a rock.

Actually, as I have proved before, Occcam’s Razor proves exactly the opposite. In fact, just to reinforce my point, Bad Astronomy Dot Com shreds Hoagland’s idiotic theories.

However, there is still the fact that Phobos has a big hollow spot. And it’s been hit by a lot of asteroids. And that it is not geologically active so it’s crust could be fragile.

I think you see where I’m going with this but I’ll explain it for the Ancient Alien idiots mouthing their way through the big words. Phobos got hit by an asteroid and it left a hole.

A very big hole, to be sure, but still a hole.

Then part of it, when the debris settled, covered the opening.

I’m sorry if common sense is boring, but it is what it is.

However, just for the sake of argument, since there are human scientists who have postulated that building a ship out of an asteroid is a good idea, let’s take a look at Phobos.

If it is an alien ship, it’s orbiting the wrong planet. Even a few million years ago it was clear that life was developing here not there. Why park a ship over a dead planet? I could go on but the people at Bad Astronomy cover the rest well enough that I encourage you to head over there when you have the time.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iWmMB7Cajo&w=480&h=360]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

We all know that one special person, usually a guy, who somehow, despite life’s best efforts, continues to breathe our air and comment on that fact. This is not the person who’s done something a little off center, this is the person who had his eyelids tattooed pink. And then noted that his career in customer service had been hampered by his boss’ wrongheaded devotion to dealing with the customers. In other words, the kind of person who makes life choices that would baffle the most unusual among us. Also, no matter what, this person needs $20 until Tuesday. It is with that delightful species of sub human in mind that we tackle today’s numerous stories.

Let’s start with the festive. Scottsdale, Arizona’s gun club is offering pictures of your child sitting with Santa. That’s sweet. However, and this is the slightly less sweet part, the adorable little scamps also get to pose with a high powered assault weapon, of their choice, and try out machine guns on a private range. The fact that they are spitting distance from sight of Gabby Gifford’s near death experience, and the death of several innocent lives – including a child, seems lost on them. Instead they are calling it a celebration of their, and Santa’s I presume, Second Amendment rights.

Of course we all know the traditional Christmas poem; “Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, everyone was packing, even the mouse ….”

Next year I’m sure they’ll have the Three Wise Men inspired Holiday Rocket Launcher.

Of course not all idiots live in the American south. Police in Britain have released a letter that an inmate was forced to write as an apology to all the people he’d robbed.

I don’t no (sic) why I am writing a letter to you! I have been forced to write this letter by ISSP,” he wrote, referring to a program that administers non-custodial punishment to young offenders. “To be honest I’m not bothered or sorry about the fact that I burgled your house. Basicly (sic) it was your own fault anyways (sic). I’m going to run you through the dumb mistakes you made.

The boy noted his victims failed to draw their curtains before they went to sleep and were “thick enough” to leave their downstairs window open.

“But anyways I don’t feel sorry for you and Im (sic) not going to show any sympath (sic) or remores (sic).

Yes, that’s right, it’s the homeowner’s fault he robbed them. Keep that in mind the next time you’re robbed. We wouldn’t want you mistakenly blaming the poor burglar.

Oy Freaking Vey!

This just in, the Kardashians are still as stupid as bricks.

Speaking of white trash, let’s take a gander at Ryan L. Fitzgerald and the woman of his dreams.

Tattoo artist, Ryan L. Fitzjerald was hit with a $100,000 lawsuit last week by his ex-girlfriend Rossie Brovent. She claims that her boyfriend was supposed to tattoo a scene from Narnia on her back but instead tattooed an image of a pile of excrement with flies buzzing around it.

It turns out that Rossie had been cheating on Ryan with one of his oldest friends, but rather than confront her, Ryan hatched a plan. He got Rossie to sign a waiver saying that the design of the tattoo was up to the “artist’s discretion” and then went to work.

Now, how in the heck did she let this thing get done, it covers her whole back, without once taking a peek as it progressed? I have several fine samples of body art and I assure you that I knew what was happening every step of the way.

Just FYI, that waiver she signed isn’t going to be worth any more than the apology letter above.

However, as long as we’re chatting about excrement – you’re getting kind of scared now, aren’t you? – we may as well hop over to Japan where scientists have invented a motorcycle that runs on human poop.

A new motorcycle that has a toilet for a seat and runs on sewage just completed a 600-mile trek across Japan.

The eco-friendly, three-wheel Neo runs on biogas produced from sewage and was built by Japanese toilet maker Toto. It has a (non-working) toilet for a seat and a giant roll of toilet paper mounted on the back.

While the bike is not for sale and not designed for mass production, Toto hopes it will promote um, renewable energy. The bike’s fuel is produced from a combination of household and livestock waste, broken down and fermented, company spokesman Kenji Fujita said.

“Although the seat of the bike is indeed a toilet, it is not for actual use,” Fujita told Reuters. “The fuel is eco-friendly biogas, stored in the tanks on the back.”

“It’s a surprisingly nice way to travel.”

The motorcycle can reach 45 miles per hour.

Ichie Tanaka, one of six people who rode the Neo across Japan during the three-week tour, said she was relieved the journey was over.

“At first when I saw the bike, I was taken aback. But after riding it, I found it quite interesting,” she said. “It doesn’t hurt at all and is actually quite comfortable to sit on.”

Well, with Christmas coming up all I can say is you’ll need to get your orders in early.

Oh, what the heck, since we’re on this subject, we may as well scoot on down to Florida where three people were arrested for committing a massive toilet paper scam.

This, as you may have figured out, could only happen in Florida.

A South Florida trio is facing up to two decades in prison after conning elderly customers into buying unnecessary septic products — in some cases more than 70 years worth of toilet paper, federal prosecutors say.

Salespeople for FBK Products, of West Palm Beach, told their victims that they needed the company’s special toilet paper to avoid ruining their septic tanks. The reason: the federal government changed regulations on toilet paper, the company claimed.

Three of the suspects, Christopher Lincoln, Mary Moore and Joseph Nouerand, this week pleaded guilty in federal court to conspiring to commit wire fraud. They agreed to cooperate with prosecutors and will be sentenced in February.

Three others are awaiting trial. Prosecutors said the company scammed about $1 million from more than a dozen victims from across the country.

In phone pitches, salespeople claimed the company was affiliated with the Environmental Protection Agency, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration and the U.S. Department of Agriculture. One product, the $199 Septic Remedy treatment, would eliminate the need to have their tanks pumped, the company claimed.

Victims were also told that they needed special soap, detergent and toilet paper or their septic tanks would not pass federal inspection. But the EPA does not regulate septic tank products, according to the U.S. Attorney’s Office.

A million dollars worth of toilet paper? Really? That’s kind of impressive when you think about it. Of course you’re talking about a state where people like talking to telemarketers, so that may have something to do with it.

After all, who else in their right mind would want to chat with these fine examples of Darwinism gone wrong?

Oh, and one helpful hint for people trying very hard to find a good excuse to avoid taking their daughters to see Twilight. The birth scene, called one of the grossest ever filmed by Roger Ebert, causes seizures in some people.

Glad to be of service.

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Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

You know what it’s like. You finally get settled into your little cul-de-sac, the kids like playing on the driveway and – WHAM – some new jerk moves in with a big old Harley, a wife who loves wind chimes and three kids fresh out of reform school. It’s like being trapped in an episode of the Jerry Springer show. Well, that’s kind of what things are like for the various world space agencies. Now that they narrowed out the nearby possibilities for what may be exoplanets they’re now faced with the task of confirming them. And, thus far, they’ve confirmed 700 of the suckers.

This is not to be confused with the 700 Club which is a whole different animal all together and one that’s probably not paying any attention to stuff like this anyway.

Nevertheless, our old pal, Ian O’Neill take a look at the new kids on our block.

Astronomers estimate that our galaxy is teeming with around 50 billion exoplanets, but the number of alien worlds confirmed to exist has just passed the 700 mark.

One database keeping track of the growing number of exoplanet discoveries is the Extrasolar Planets Encyclopedia (exoplanet.eu) administered by astrobiologist Jean Schneider of the Paris-Meudon Observatory. On Friday news of this milestone was announced via the awesome (and free) the Exoplanet iPhone app:

There are now more than 700 confirmed exoplanets in the database. The latest addition is the planet HD 100655 b.

Wait a minute. What was all that news in 2010 about NASA’s Kepler Space Telescope spotting over 1,200 candidate exoplanets? Why is this particular database reporting only 700 discoveries?

The key word here is “candidate.”

Kepler has spotted a slew of alien worlds, but many of these detections require follow-up observations to confirm whether or not they actually exist.

For example, the recent controversy surrounding the potentially habitable exoplanet Gliese 581 g is a result of a follow-up observation of an exoplanet that Kepler (may have) detected, only for it not to be detected by another project — the European Southern Observatory’s (ESO) High Accuracy Radial Velocity for Planetary Searcher (HARPS). The scientific process continues in the aim of confirming — or denying — Gliese 581 g’s candidature.

The Extrasolar Planets Encyclopedia is reporting 700 confirmed exoplanets,* whereas other projects (such as Kepler) have detected signs of hundreds more that await confirmation — only then will they be added to the database.

Launched in 2009, the Kepler mission has identified 25 confirmed exoplanets and mission scientists are confident that around 80 percent of the growing family of candidates will be proven to exist in the not-too-distant future.

Although 700 identified alien worlds may seem like a tiny number compared with the estimated 50 billion in the Milky Way, we’ve only just begun this profound journey of scientific discovery. We are only just glimpsing the tip of the proverbial exoplanetary iceberg.

Recent exoplanet discoveries include:

• A newborn exoplanet spotted growing inside the protoplanetary disk of gas and dust surrounding its parent star.
• An exoplanet orbiting a binary star system — akin to Star Wars’ fictional world Tatooine.
• A weird world with a “hotspot” creating a rather nasty atmosphere.
• An exoplanet that is currently being ripped to shreds by the X-ray radiation from its parent star.
• An alien world that’s more alien than most: Its atmosphere is darker than coal.

*This number differs to NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory’s “PlanetQuest: New Worlds Atlas” database that currently stands at an exoplanet count of 687. PlanetQuest has a more conservative approach when listing exoplanet discoveries — Schneider’s database displays the discoveries as soon as they are announced.

According to Wesley Traub, chief scientist of NASA’s Exoplanet Exploration Program at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calif., in an interview with SPACE.com, PlanetQuest will list the discovery only when it has been validated, checked, and the study has been accepted for publication. This means the NASA database will always lag behind the European one.

Our producers are all slavishly addicted to their i-Phones so I figured popping that link above in the story would earn me extra brownie points.

Now none of this means that those planets are inhabited. To find that out would require greater magnification than we currently have available. But it does give us some areas to concentrate on. We can focus our attention to see if there are any radio waves or other signs of intelligence.

By the way, if you click on Ian’s name above he has slide shows and videos that you can watch and learn from.

Over the last couple of weeks we have detailed up here some of the many problems the Russian space agency was having as of late. People dying, billion dollar probes wandering off and so on. So, I guess they were due for some good news. Their Phobos-Grunt space probe, which was destined for Mars and not supposed to plummet back to Earth with 12 tons of toxic waste, seems to be alive …. again.

The Russian Mars mission Phobos-Grunt has made a surprise announcement: she’s alive.

According to the European Space Agency’s (ESA) Twitter feed in the early hours of Wednesday morning, a tracking station in Perth, Australia, picked up a signal from the ailing spacecraft:

ESA’s ESTRACK station in Perth, Australia, receives signal from Russia’s Phobos-Grunt. Breaking news in ESA web shortly esa.int

Within minutes, the promised news appeared on the agency’s website:

On Tuesday, 22 November at 20:25 UT, ESA’s tracking station at Perth, Australia, established contact with Russia’s Phobos-Grunt spacecraft. This was the first signal received on Earth since the Mars mission was launched on 8 November. ESA teams are working closely with engineers in Russia to determine how best to maintain communications with the spacecraft. More news will follow later.

This is obviously a surprise, especially as the 13-ton probe hasn’t signaled ground stations at all since its launch from Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan on Nov. 8.

Soon after launch, it became clear that the upper stage engine had malfunctioned and the probe was stranded in low-Earth orbit rather than coasting its way to Mars.

For a long period, Russian space officials remained silent, and the only news on the fate of the spacecraft came from other space agencies, amateur astronomers and leaks from individuals within the Russian space industry.

On Tuesday (Nov. 22), Roscosmos broke its silence and confirmed that there was “little chance” of salvaging the mission.

But after Wednesday morning’s dramatic turn of events, is there a tiny glimmer of hope that if communications with the probe can commence, perhaps the mission isn’t doomed after all?

That might be a bit of a stretch — after all, no one is sure what the problem is; whether it’s a software glitch or complete hardware failure. There is no way to know if communications will continue, or whether the Perth ground station was lucky.

But one thing is for certain, something is ticking inside the onboard electronics of Phobos-Grunt, perhaps it’s the leverage Russian engineers need to gain access and correct the problem.

Here’s hoping they get it working. It’s an exciting project and they’ve been through enough recently.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3o6biodnGaU&w=500&h=319]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

Some days I end up staring at the news stories the Nude Hippo robot drops off each morning and wonder how I’m going to make anything coherent out of them. Other mornings are laid out as neatly as if they’d been vetted by interns. Every now and then, however, there’s nothing I can do but punt. It’s just a weird overload. And, by that, I mean there’s way too much weird in the world today. Let’s start with an easy one. The bright people of Derby, Connecticut just elected James J. Butler to their city counsel. All well and good except for one teeny weeny problem. He wasn’t running. James R. Butler was. Even better is the fact that, legally, they’re supposed to swear in James J. even though he wants nothing to so with the office. Yes, James R. is the father of James J., but that isn’t helping matters at all. Now, common sense says that it was a typo and everyone thought they were voting for James R., especially since he was running for a second term, but common sense and laws often end up in different parts of the room. They’ve got a couple of weeks to figure it out before the official swearing in ceremonies.

In other news, a gentleman who will never qualify for Mensa, called police when the boat he stole ran out of gas. Police were happy to pick him up and get him a nice, comfy, room at the local jail.

In WHEN NATURE ATTACKS news, a wild turkey busted up a Pennsylvania restaurant on Thanksgiving.

A wild turkey apparently flew into an Eat’n Park restaurant on — of all days — Thanksgiving.

The 15-pound turkey was found among a pile of shattered glass on the carpet near some booth tables around 3 p.m.
Nobody was inside the restaurant on Frankstown Road, which was closed for the holiday.

Penn Hills police Officer Bernard Sestili responded when the building’s alarm went off. He said the turkey flew into the window and was not thrown.

“Probably was roosted in one of the trees in this wooded area back here, got up this morning and went for his morning flight and flew into the window,” Sestili said. “Fighting back, on Thanksgiving — how ironic.”

And, yes, they did use the word “ironic” correctly. Now, on to the important issue. There’s really a restaurant called “Eat ‘n Park?” Shouldn’t that be “Park ‘n Eat?” Or do they just throw food at you as you whiz by?

Rural America is getting weirder every day.

Oh well, on to stolen sperm in the news.

No, I am not making this up. Just read the story.

A Houston man has launched a unique court battle, claiming his twin sons resulted from his sperm being stolen and taken to a Houston fertility clinic without his knowledge, KPRC, NBC’s Houston station, reported on Tuesday.

“Actually, I couldn’t believe it could be done. I was very, very devastated,” said Joe Pressil, a 36-year-old telecommunications manager.

“I couldn’t believe that this fertility clinic could actually do this without my consent, or without my even being there,” he told KPRC.

Pressil said he hadn’t considered having a family, and his religious beliefs would never allow him to visit a fertility clinic or participate in any form of artificial insemination. Yet three months after he broke up with his girlfriend, she became pregnant with his sperm at the Advanced Fertility Center of Texas on the Katy Freeway near Beltway 8.

In his lawsuit, Pressil said he found out about the plot when a receipt arrived in the mail, listing him as the patient.

“Pressil was listed as the ‘patient’ on the receipt even though he had never been to (the clinic) nor ever sought treatment for male infertility,” according to his lawsuit.

His ex-girlfriend gave birth to twin boys and then sued him for child support. She was granted that child support after blood tests confirmed Pressil was the father.

Pressil said his ex-girlfriend always claimed she was unable to have children due to a medical condition involving fibroids. He also said she claimed that her condition required a certain sort of condom be used during sex. Now, in hindsight, he said that seems suspicious.

“I did notice a little bit because she would take the condom and ask me to discard it. And usually, a male would discard their own property, but she would always take the condom and she would run off out of the room and I just didn’t think anything of it. And I didn’t think that anyone could use a condom and bring it to a clinic to get an in vitro,” he said.

An attorney representing the Advanced Fertility Center and Omni-Med Laboratories, Danny Sheena, called the lawsuit “suspect” and “disingenuous.”

Okay, guys, if your date is collecting your condoms you might want to have a nice chat with her prior to breaking up. You might also want to keep your pants zipped until you figure out what she’s doing. And, yes, I know that sperm makes a wonderful face cream, but still …….

Speaking of women who are completely bat s**t crazy, a San Diego lady is marching around town in a bikini (it’s about 50 degrees there now) and has gone on a hunger strike because her dog is missing.

Sure, it makes sense to you, but what about everybody else?

A woman took to the streets Wednesday to find her lost Chihuahua, and she won’t clothe herself or eat until the dog comes home.

Arlene Mossa Corona wore a bikini and held up a sign with pictures of her dog Chispita in the intersection of La Jolla Village Drive and Genesee Avenue in San Diego, Calif., on Wednesday morning.

The only other option was to wear her bikini in the 50-degree weather and not eat until she finds the dog, Corona said in an email. She listed her phone number and multiple pictures of Chispita on her signs.

“Against my family’s wishes, I will be skipping my family Thanksgiving celebration this year and standing out there alone in an effort to be reunited with my dog,” she said. “Thanksgiving won’t be the same without Chispita.”

Cars honked and men whistled and shouted cat-calls at the woman as she held up her sign, wearing red pumps, a white bikini top and blue bikini bottom — the nation’s colors, she said, to represent military personnel coming home. She hopes the same will be true of her dog.

A maintenance worker in her La Jolla apartment complex told Corona that he saw a girl take the dog. Corona believes that if the dog was stolen, whoever took it may be too afraid to return it.

Or, and you can call me crazy, maybe the person who stole it really wanted to steal it and doesn’t want to give it back. I know, that’s silly talk, but it still should be considered.

Moving on to patriotism in the news, we have proof that it’s not just women who are completely nuts. A man wearing nothing but an American flag drove his Jeep up the steps of the Indianapolis War Memorial. He yelled at police who, after finally giving up trying to make any sense out of what he was yammering on about, arrested him. Of course, before they could do so he started a fire. Which, in an all concrete memorial, was easy enough for them to extinguish.

Speaking of fire, some guy in Sweden just burst into flames while waiting for a train.

An unidentified man burst into flames while waiting outside a train station in Sweden, leaving police flummoxed, the Göteborgs-Posten reported.

Witnesses said the man was standing outside a music shop at the Gothenberg central train station around 10:30 p.m. Sunday, when he suddenly caught on fire.

“He just stood there burning outside the shop,” a witness told the paper. “After a while he started screaming. There were a few people about but they just watched him. I ran up to him, tore my coat off and managed to put the fire out together with another guy.”

The man, who sustained serious injuries, was taken to Gothenburg’s Sahlgrenska hospital, where he was sedated.

Police have been at the hospital since the incident trying to piece together what happened.

“All we know is that it’s a man. We have no knowledge of his identity, nor of his age or any motive or even the circumstances of the incident,” Asa Anderson, a police officer, told the newspaper.

The man has not been in a condition to speak, said the officer.

“He is sedated and will probably remain under for another couple of weeks.”

Police do not suspect foul play.

Take this sentence – “He just stood there burning outside the shop” – and think creative suicide. Although I could think of many less painful ways to go, it really does seem like this guy wanted to be 100% sure. Except for the fact that onlookers put him out.

Maybe next time he’ll plan better.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y47G-Wa4qfs&w=480&h=360]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

The nice thing about this job is that I can just let my mind wander and contemplate great thoughts. For example, today I found myself wondering if any men still call their penis a tallywhacker and, if so, why? I also contemplated the great mysteries of life that concern the male fascination with the female anatomy. That took several hours of dedicated research. I can now officially attest that men do, indeed, look at women. In other words, as you can plainly see, I earn every penny I make here. Today we are going to discuss a couple of other people, who are paid far more than I am, who have also been contemplating heady stuff. One is a prime example of a group of idiots being allowed to breathe our precious air and the other sounds insane at first blush until you realize he makes 100% sense.

Let’s start with the waste of air.

The European Union assembled a bunch of their best scientists who spent a lot of other people’s money to come to the conclusion that water doesn’t provide hydration.

EU officials concluded that, following a three-year investigation, there was no evidence to prove the previously undisputed fact.

Producers of bottled water are now forbidden by law from making the claim and will face a two-year jail sentence if they defy the edict, which comes into force in the UK next month.

Last night, critics claimed the EU was at odds with both science and common sense. Conservative MEP Roger Helmer said: “This is stupidity writ large.

“The euro is burning, the EU is falling apart and yet here they are: highly-paid, highly-pensioned officials worrying about the obvious qualities of water and trying to deny us the right to say what is patently true.

“If ever there were an episode which demonstrates the folly of the great European project then this is it.”

NHS health guidelines state clearly that drinking water helps avoid dehydration, and that Britons should drink at least 1.2 litres per day.

The Department for Health disputed the wisdom of the new law. A spokesman said: “Of course water hydrates. While we support the EU in preventing false claims about products, we need to exercise common sense as far as possible.”

German professors Dr Andreas Hahn and Dr Moritz Hagenmeyer, who advise food manufacturers on how to advertise their products, asked the European Commission if the claim could be made on labels.

They compiled what they assumed was an uncontroversial statement in order to test new laws which allow products to claim they can reduce the risk of disease, subject to EU approval.

They applied for the right to state that “regular consumption of significant amounts of water can reduce the risk of development of dehydration” as well as preventing a decrease in performance.

However, last February, the European Food Standards Authority (EFSA) refused to approve the statement.

A meeting of 21 scientists in Parma, Italy, concluded that reduced water content in the body was a symptom of dehydration and not something that drinking water could subsequently control.

Now the EFSA verdict has been turned into an EU directive which was issued on Wednesday.

In other words, according to these morons, curing the symptom isn’t good enough. Tell that to anyone who’s had malaria. Quinine doesn’t cure malaria, it cures the symptoms. And, by so doing, allows the patient to live. Without curing the symptoms the patient dies. It’s that simple.

It’s not that hard people. We learned this in 4th grade.

Oh well, this next guy sounds nuts but you have to follow along to understand what he’s saying. A Peruvian mayor claims that drinking water can make men homosexual.

And, he may be right.

In one of the most unusual claims about homosexuality to emerge in some time, a Peruvian mayor is blaming the high mineral levels in the area’s drinking water for a perceived increase in the number of gay men residing in his town.

As Pink News is reporting, Huarmey Mayor Jose Benitez made the bizarre comments at the launch of a local water access project, where he noted high levels of strontium in the tap water. The drinking water comes from Tabalosos, a town which a Lima-based television station once claimed was inhabited by 14,000 gay men.

“Unfortunately strontium reduces male hormones and suddenly we’ll be as Tabalosos, as other towns, where the percentages are increasing of homosexuality,” Benitez is quoted by LGBT Asylum News as saying. “Young people have low self-esteem by this stigma.”

Dr. Robert Castro Rodriguez, dean of the College of Pharmaceutical Chemistry of Lima, quickly dismissed Benitez’s claims, telling Peruvian radio that large amounts of strontium in the body eventually lead to bone cancer, anemia and cardiovascular complications –- but not homosexuality.

It’s not the first eyebrow-raising claim about homosexuality to emerge out of Peru. In 2009, Peruvian Interior Minister Mercedes Cabanillas announced it would ban homosexuals from the police force for damaging the image of the institution, reports the BBC.

Similarly, Bolivian President Evo Morales decried chicken producers who inject female hormones into their fowl, “and because of that, men who consume them have problems being men,” reports The Los Angeles Times.

He probably should have said that “drinking Peruvian water” has the adverse side effects but that may have gotten lost in the translation. And the nice aside that the polluted water will only cause ” bone cancer, anemia and cardiovascular complications” is not as helpful as it may seem.

Also, the Bolivian president’s concerns about genetically modified foods mirror those of me and millions of others. Speaking as someone who has lived on a farm I can tell you that the differences between the foods you eat and the ones they raise are scarily different.

And that doesn’t even begin to consider the crap people are forced to eat if they buy “fast food.” To put it simply, the ingredients in a McRib are the same as those in a yoga mat.

YUMMY!

Also, in the “I knew this would happen” department, there is now a porno based on the Occupy movement. And, much to everyone’s surprise, I haven’t seen it.

[vimeo http://www.vimeo.com/21403547 w=501&h=301]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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Cliches make writing easy. Gotta scandal? Toss the word “gate” on it and everyone knows what you mean even if they have no clue that the original referred to a rather nice hotel. I should know, I’ve stayed there. And if you’re throwing a big shin dig that’s guaranteed to be lots of fun for all? Toss “palooza” at the end even if you have no clue who Perry Farrell is or why you should care. I can even remember when Xerox had to sue to get control over their own brand name because so many people were using it as synonym for photocopying that no one remembered it was a real company. Thanksgiving comes with its own cliches. It is the time of year when writers, even lowly ones such as me, are expected to share stories of warmth and camaraderie to show that we aren’t truly jaded jerks or, worse yet, avid sociopaths. And, for what it’s worth, I’d love to help you out. But I can’t. Don’t get me wrong, my childhood had its share of happy moments. I’d have been in prison long ago if it didn’t. But the fact is that my childhood was a segmented affair. Spent here with one group of family and there with another. And there were lots of segments. The consistent underpinning, living with my grandparents, had some moments but wouldn’t come close to being anything the modern nuclear family would recognize as warm and fuzzy. More like tolerated moments of dutiful obligations, followed by Lawrence Welk.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I realized why kids often thought me odd. When we’d talk about this or that family event I never had a corollary. So when I’d share my personal moments I may as well have been speaking Swahili for all the understanding I garnered. But that was my life and it was the only life I knew so I went with it. Not that I had any options, but I never complained.

It was what it was.

Now my immediate family is all dead. And, somehow, it just doesn’t seem right to drag them into some maudlin display of emotion just to make you bust out a hankie and think all is right in the world. But, if you must have treacle with your tryptophan, allow me to share this blogger’s holiday classic.

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!” At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs…

There. Feel better now?

Okay, let’s take a look at some Thanksgiving facts that you may not know.

The First Thanksgiving was only eaten with Spoons and Knives
Forks are something that most people take for granted but imagine eating your turkey with a spoon instead of a fork this year. The reason for the fork being absent was because it was not brought by the pilgrims in 1620. It was introduced ten years later by Governor Winthrop of Massachusetts but it was not brought into popular use until the 18th century.

Thanksgiving is not only celebrated in the United States
For those of you who don’t know, the Canadians also celebrate their own form of Thanksgiving. They however celebrate it on the second Monday of October. Throughout their history the Canadians have been known to celebrate days of thanks but it was after the American Revolution, when Americans who were still loyal to Britain moved to Canada. They brought their traditions of Thanksgiving with them and the Canadians began celebrating Thanksgiving as an end to the Harvest. And they Canadians actually refer to our Thanksgiving as “Yanksgiving” in order to differentiate it from their own Thanksgiving.

It is a Presidential Tradition to pardon one turkey each year
President Truman started this tradition in 1947. He handpicked a turkey and then sent it off to live the rest of its days at Frying Pan Park in Herndon, Virginia. It has become tradition that two turkeys be pardoned (in case the first turkey become unavailable). The people of the United States actually get to vote on the name of the turkey. This year President Obama pardoned a turkey named Courage and had it sent to Disneyland.

Benjamin Franklin wanted the Turkey to be the national bird of the United States
Luckily for those of us who prefer the Eagle, Thomas Jefferson was opposed to this idea and fought Benjamin Franklin on it. It has been rumored that Benjamin Franklin named the male Turkey “Tom” in retaliation. Franklin’s reasoning was that the turkey has a much greater significance to the American people (being the main food source for the Pilgrims) and he claimed that the Eagle had “bad moral character.”

The best way to check if a Cranberry is ripe is to bounce it
If you want to know if a cranberry is ripe then all you need to do it throw it at the ground and measure how high it bounces. As long as it bounces higher than four inches it is ready to be picked. Who knew that is what it takes to make the perfect cranberry sauce for your Thanksgiving. The cranberry is actually one of only three fruits that are native to North America and it is served at 94% of Thanksgiving dinners.

Thanksgiving has not always been the fourth Thursday of November
It was Abraham Lincoln that slated Thanksgiving as the fourth Thanksgiving of November. In 1939 President Franklin Roosevelt moved Thanksgiving up a week in the hope that it would move up the Christmas shopping season and be fruitful to retailers. The move was proven to be very unpopular and it was changed back two years later.

Thanksgiving brought about the creation of T.V. Dinners
Part of the reason that Swanson started creating T.V. Dinners in 1953 was because they needed to find something to do with 260 tons of frozen turkeys that were left over from Thanksgiving. Talk about a lot of Turkey dinners!

Think you have it rough imagine feeding 140 people for 3 days!
The first thanksgiving was comprised of the surviving 50 Pilgrims and 90 Wampanoag Indians. This was definitely an endeavor because there were only 5 surviving women. Just imagine the amount of food that would involve and cooking trying to keep that many men well-fed for three straight days.

Turkeys in Space
Turkeys as food have become such an important staple and comfort food of Americans that Turkey has even been served in space. The first meal in space was a Turkey dinner and Thanksgiving has been celebrated on a number of space shuttles including the Columbia and the Mir.

Americans eat the weight of Singapore in Turkey every Thanksgiving
According to a study done by the National Turkey Association Americans ate 690 million pounds of turkey during Thanksgiving 2007. That is equal to the weight of the entire population of Singapore. If that isn’t enough to make you feel stuffed then nothing will.

I have a friend who lives in Singapore. She would be appalled by that. She’s a vegetarian and confused enough, as it is, by American behaviors.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjKF7aQthcQ&w=500&h=319]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

Western religion has had a long problem with the whole idea of sex. Some of the earliest porn can be found in the Old Testament, or the Talmud if you prefer, with the Songs of Solomon of the tales of Bathsheba. Yet right along side those tales are the many admonitions against everything (except selling your daughters) in Leviticus and Deuteronomy. Among others. The various western religions preach peace above all else and, yet, glorify the stories of King David. A guy who sent his buddy to die so he could bang his wife. And that was one the of the nicer things he’s credited with. So it should come as no surprise that, after several thousand years of confused indoctrination, western societies have some issues with the whole sex thing. Back in 2005 the Catholic Church fired Professor Caterina Bonci for being too sexy to teach young people. The fact that it took them 14 years to notice she was too sexy should come as no surprise since history has shown that they tend to dwell on problems, i.e., the world is round, for a while before coming to any rash decisions.

Well, the world has come a long way since then.

I’ve written about the phenomena of Pole Dancing for Jesus. Well, one pastor in New York has added to that theme by encouraging his congregants to Kiss for Christ.

A New York City pastor is delivering sermons on how to keep marriages alive that feature public kissing contests during services.

Pastor Maurice Johnson of the non-denominational Winners Church in Queens gives sermons, titled “The Power and Pleasure of Romance,” to highlight the importance of marriage in the African-American community, the New York Post reported Saturday.

“Some people were like, ‘It seems strange to do at church,'” he said, “but they thought it was very creative.”

During services, held in the PS 38 gym in the Queens borough’s Rosedale neighborhood, four married couples are asked to approach the pulpit. Then, accompanied by R&B music, the couples demonstrate their passion by making out for 5 minutes.

The congregation then chooses a winning couple by applause. The most amorous pair win $50 to spend on a date.

“You see kissing in all kinds of contexts, but you don’t necessarily see it in a marriage context,” said Frantz Cochy, 39, who won the contest with his wife of 13 years, Makeetah, 36. “I wasn’t embarrassed, but I guess I felt a little awkward.”

Johnson, 39, told the Post that showering your spouse with physical affection is a good way to strengthen a romantic partnership.

“God created a desire for love and romance,” Johnson said.

“Any society that celebrates marriage, romance and love is going to be a free society. Public displays of affection aren’t wrong. Adam and Eve were naked, and they were not ashamed.”

That has got to be uncomfortable for the kids. I mean, how do you respond, when you’re 8 or 9, to “Wow, your mom’s tongue is incredible!”?

Nevertheless, the idea behind the whole thing seems sound. Why not celebrate your love in public? I just wonder why he doesn’t take that concept to its logical conclusion? Just get everybody butt naked and have at it.

Down the block, and slightly less divinely inspired, NYC announced that it was ending its, long running, strip poker exhibit.

New York artist Zefrey Throwell wrapped up his latest performance art piece that featured poker players stripping down for passersby on the street.

The installation project, titled “I’ll Raise You One,” was staged at Art in General’s storefront project space in Tribeca, the New York Daily News reported.

For seven days from 10:30 a.m. until 6 p.m., people on the street were able to watch project participants playing a game of strip poker.

“I asked players to show up with whatever they wanted — clothes equal currency,” Throwell said. “Wear layers, that was the advice they were given.”

The project, which ended Saturday, was Throwell’s latest attempt at social commentary through an artistic medium.

“I see it as an economic and social critique of how society has its wealth distributed,” Throwell told ArtInfo.com.

Throwell is best known for “Ocularpation: Wall Street,” another performance piece that featured nude actors mimicking Wall Street workers.

Yeah, I believe him. It had nothing to do with getting random people naked in public. Because, after all, when you see a bunch of nude, or scantily clad, people sitting around a table isn’t the first thing you think of “economic upheaval?”

Me neither.

In New Philadelphia, Ohio religion, sex and politics have come together with hilarious results. They banned the promotion of an anti-pornography play for being too sexy.

If only I could make stuff like this up.

A poster for a play with the word sex in the title has been banned from a northeast Ohio courthouse.

This week, Tuscarawas County commissioners ordered the removal of posters advertising a local production of the play No Sex Please, We’re British.

Commissioners got a complaint about sex in the title. Commissioner Chris Abbuhl tells The (Dover-New Philadelphia) Times-Reporter that the person thought the poster was inappropriate for a public building.

Nonprofit groups have historically been allowed to put up posters in the courthouse, including the Little Theatre hosting the play.

Play director Lee Elliott describes the poster as “bright and shiny with a pair of women’s legs,” but not dirty.

The play is about a couple dealing with a flood of pornography coming into their apartment.

And so it goes.

I’ll simply leave you with this thought; if everyone practiced abstinence as promoted by the preachers, who would be left to preach?

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39YUXIKrOFk&w=480&h=360]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

When I was nine years old I was deeply inspired by Evel Knievel. As such I decided that I needed to have a cool stunt too. Since my family would not let me assemble a large ramp to see if my Schwin Spider could leap cars or buses I had to come up with something else. It took my, still forming, brain a bit but I finally came up with a great idea. Well, a great idea for a 9 year old anyway. I would haul my bicycle up onto the garage roof and jump off as far as I could. The garage was on the side of our house and longer than half the lot so I figured I could get up some speed. The first part of my plan went flawlessly. I sped across the roof, got my front wheel slightly raised and was airborne quicker than I had realized was possible. Believe it or not I actually cleared about half the driveway and landed safely. The problem arose, however, when I tried to stop. There was a Home Juice truck parked at the end of the driveway. In those days they opened on the side so the driver could just grab his delivery without being in the street. I hit the truck at full speed and wiped out his entire stock. There was broken glass and juice everywhere. After the damages were paid my family vacillated between being proud of what I’d accomplished and wanting to send me to military school. In the end they decided to suspend my bike riding privileges for the rest of the summer. I learned my lesson and never did that again. I did other stupid stuff, but never that.

In my mind, until I hit the truck, all I could think was “What could possibly go wrong?” It is in that spirit today that I share these stories with you. In Florida, naturally, a transvestite was arrested for performing illegal plastic surgery.

A Miami Gardens transgender woman is facing charges of practicing medicine without a license after police say she injected a patient’s rear with everything but the kitchen sink in an illegal cosmetic surgery procedure.

Oneal Ron Morris, 30, was arrested Friday after an investigation by Miami Gardens Police and the Florida Department of Health.

According to police, the victim saw Morris in May and was injected in her buttocks with a substance consisting of cement, “Fix a Flat,” mineral oil and super glue.

The amateur incision was then sealed with super glue, police said. The victim was later hospitalized with a serious medical condition as a result of the injections.

Morris, who police say is a man but appears to look like a woman and sports an apparently enhanced rear herself in arrest photos, was being held on $7,500 bond. it was unknown whether she has an attorney.

Police believe there may be other victims of Morris who may be afraid to come forward. They said the victims haven’t done anything illegal and shouldn’t be afraid to come forward.

Anyone with information is asked to call Miami Gardens Police at 305-474-1420.

I’m leaving the number in since I know some of the Nude Hippo staff are currently in Florida and you never really know what they’ll get into. That being said, what kind of moron agrees to have plastic surgery done by someone in their living room? I’m fine with hitting the dollar store for the occasional discount item, but allowing someone to stick an air hose in my anus so I can get the J-Lo look is completely off the menu. Not going to happen.

Of course, there are other things that might cause problems. Like teaching your dog to drive.

A dog allegedly was spotted driving a mobile home down the street in Darwin, Australia, after learning how to drive by observing his owner, observers claim.

Woodley, a 2-year-old German Koolie, allegedly took the mobile home for a spin while his owner, Richard McCormack was in a store, The Sun reported.

“I came out and saw the bus going down the road. I couldn’t believe it,” McCormack said.

This isn’t the first time Woodley has tried to take the wheel, his owner explained.

“He sits next to me when I’m driving and in the driver’s seat when I’m not. The handbrake is on the dashboard and he’s seen me release it many times. He was just copying me. He’s tried it on before,” said McCormack.

The vehicle was eventually brought to a stop when bystander Phil Newton, 30, jumped in an open window and put the handbrake back on after seeing that a dog was navigating the mobile home.

“This was weird, even for the Northern Territory,” he said.

Okay, here’s where I have a problem; “He’s tried it on before.”

Forgive me for pointing out the blindingly obvious but TAKE THE DAMN DOG OUT OF THE CAR WHEN YOU LEAVE!!!

Can it be that freaking hard?

Anyway, since the Holiday Season is upon us I feel that I should take a moment to point out the lovely selection of toys that can kill your child.

A Power Rangers “samurai mega blade” and a Godzilla figure with dagger-like attachments are some of the most dangerous toys lurking in stores this holiday season, according to a consumer watchdog group.

Boston-based World Against Toys Causing Harm (WATCH) on Wednesday issued its annual list of the 10 worst children’s toys, just in time for the shopping frenzy that typically starts in late November.

On the list were items the group said pose risks for choking, electrocution, puncture wounds and more.

Joan Siff, president of WATCH, said there have been at least 28 toy recalls representing 3.8 million units in the United States over the past year.

“Any recall is too late in the process,” she said, urging better vetting and testing of toys before they go on sale. “Testing cannot take place in the marketplace.”

The group has produced its list each year since 1973, and has been successful in getting a number of toys pulled from the shelves. It found this year’s selections at leading big-box retailers, online, and in small specialty stores.

James Swartz, a director of WATCH, demonstrated the “Z-Curve Bow,” a foam bow and arrow set recommended for kids eight and over.

A warning label suggested the bow should not be pulled back “at more than half strength” and that “anyone at close distance to the target should be alerted” before firing.

“That is a weapon,” Swartz said, shooting an arrow into a wall with a loud thud.

Also featured was a “Fold & Go Trampoline” which came with the warning it should only be used for controlled bouncing.

“What young child has the ability, the desire, the knowledge to use it in that manner?” said Swartz. “That’s not possible in the real world.”

German wooden toys seem sturdy and rather quaint. But a wooden duck, sold for babies as young as a year, has a pull cord about 33 inches long — a potential strangulation hazard.

The industry’s standard limits strings on cribs and playpen toys to 12 inches.

Toys often have thematic tie-ins to popular movies, television shows or books, arguably making them likely choices for shoppers looking for a familiar brand.

On the “Sword Fighting Jack Sparrow” figurine, fashioned after Pirates of the Caribbean star Johnny Depp, the pirate’s right hand is armed with a 4-inch long, rigid, plastic sword.

The Consumer Products Safety Commission reports that in 2009 about 250,000 toy-related injuries were treated in U.S. hospital emergency rooms, a number that has been rising.

Reports of toy hazards, however, “needlessly frighten parents” this time of year, said the Toy Industry Association. It said less than half of one percent of the estimated 3 billion toys sold each year in the United States are recalled.

“Toys are safer now than they’ve ever been,” said Stacy Leistner, a spokesman for the Toy Industry Association, the trade group for the North American toy industry.

The design, testing, production and inspection of toys are constantly being strengthened, the group said.

“Certainly from the industry, safety is our number one priority year round, not just at the holidays,” Leistner said.
For a full list of the group’s 2011 10 worst toys: CLICK HERE

Yes, the majority of toys are safe. Which is why lists like this are so important. It keeps parents from feeling that anything they buy is 100% safe just because it’s in the store. Just because they can sue after the fact doesn’t mean they’ll get their kid back. In this case it is better to err on the side of caution.

We are, each and everyone of us, bludgeoned daily about the need to “go green.” Many of those efforts are well meaning and, possibly, even useful. But there are others that are merely scams designed solely to separate you from your money. That Electric Dog Polisher isn’t really going to save the planet or make Fido happy. Fortunately for you there is an easy to access website that lists all the wonderful scams out there so you won’t get taken. Think of it as the green version of Snopes. In other words, a very handy tool. But, when people talk about “going green” they usually refer us to the wonderful world of nature. It then becomes fair to wonder if nature is really providing us with any sort of good example. It would seem that with the hellacious weather, occasional ice ages and so forth that Big Mama N. is a peevish sort who really doesn’t care about her cute witto Gaia. But it turns out that her mild tantrums are merely part of a larger cycle.

I mean MUUUUUUUUCH larger.

Think galactic in scale.

Our old pal Ian O’Neill, from Discovery News, takes a look at the largest recycling project known to man. Galaxies that reuse stellar material.

Some galaxies have strict rules on recycling, but others are reckless and rapidly dump stellar gas into intergalactic space, resulting in them paying the ultimate price: a premature death.

So, if a galaxy wants a long, happy life it pays to be sustainable — this means “going green” on a galactic scale.

These findings are due for publication in three separate papers in the Nov. 18 issue of the journal Science. The three studies are headed by Nicolas Lehner of the University of Notre Dame in South Bend, Ind.; Jason Tumlinson of the Space Telescope Science Institute in Baltimore, Md.; and Todd Tripp of the University of Massachusetts at Amherst.

Recycled Halos

Using the Cosmic Origins Spectrograph (COS) aboard the Hubble Space Telescope, the three teams have identified vast “halos” of gas surrounding a selection of 40 galaxies.

Previously invisible, these halos are much larger than previously believed and act as reservoirs for recycled “star stuff” — light elements such as hydrogen and helium, and heavier elements like carbon, oxygen, nitrogen and neon. Some galactic halos reach as far as 450,000 light-years from their visible galactic disks.

The astronomers found that our galaxy also has a halo extending up to 20,000 light-years from the Milky Way’s disk, providing an explanation as to the mysterious source of gas that supplies our galaxy.

But not only are these halos bigger than previously believed, the astronomers were surprised to find that there is as much gas inside the halos as there is between the stars within a given galaxy.

“There’s as much heavy elements out in the halos of the galaxies as there is in their interstellar medium,” Tumlinson told Discovery News, “that is what shocked us.”

The heavier elements detected in galactic halos can only be formed inside stars and the waste products of supernovae — powerful explosions that result from massive star death.

However, rather than venting and losing these waste gases to intergalactic space, the halos are replenished and provide an invaluable “feedback loop” where the gas falls back in to the galaxy, helping to create new star birth.

The halos observed by COS therefore support not only star birth, but also planets, complex organic molecules and, ultimately, life.

We Are (Recycled) Star Stuff

The Milky Way’s halo contains enough ionized hydrogen to create 100 million stars and enough gas “feeds” our galaxy to create one star per year. This halo is then replenished with gases from supernovae and stellar winds — hydrogen laced with a cocktail of heavy elements — to sustain star birth for another billion years, the researchers estimate.

Interestingly, as Tumlinson speculates, this large-scale recycling of elements in our galaxy has implications for not only our sun, but us personally.

“Your body is 70 percent water and every water molecule has an oxygen atom in it,” he said. “The theorists say the recycling time (in the Milky Way’s halo) is approximately a billion years, so that means — potentially — that some of the material (oxygen) inside your body has cycled in and out of the galaxy ten times in the history of the galaxy. At least once, maybe up to ten times.”

To quote Carl Sagan, “We’re made of star stuff,” perhaps in light of this research, it should read: “We’re made of recycled star stuff.”

The “Amy Winehouse” of Galaxies

However, this scenario isn’t universal. The researchers found that there must be a balance between star birth and halo replenishment. If demand outstrips supply, then there’s a problem; a galactic-sized sustainability problem.

In the case of young galaxies that underwent rapid star creation (commonly referred to as “star burst” galaxies), the violent star production phase resulted in a rapid expulsion of enriched stellar gas.

“We found the James Dean or Amy Winehouse of that population, you know, the galaxies that lived fast and died young,” Tumlinson pointed out. “(Todd) Tripp’s team studied that in their paper.”

“That paper used a galaxy that is known as a ‘post-star burst galaxy’ and its spectrum showed that it had a very robust star burst (phase),” he continued. “It was one of those live fast, die young galaxies.”

Unfortunately for these galaxies, the waste gas didn’t hang around in a neat halo ready to supply the material needed to birth baby stars. Instead the gas was lost to intergalactic space, starving the galactic halos.

The COS instrument has clocked the waste gas from galaxies with high star production rates traveling at 2 million miles per hour — fast enough for the gas to be lost from the galaxy forever.

“So not only have we found that star-forming galaxies are pervasively surrounded by large halos of hot gas,” said Tripp in Thursday’s press release, “we have also observed that hot gas in transit — we have caught the stuff in the process of moving out of a galaxy and into intergalactic space.”

It therefore pays to be a galaxy with a low star production rate. These galaxies produce slower streams of waste gases that collect in galactic halos that in turn get recycled by future star birth.

The moral of the story is that when mom tells you to do “everything in moderation,” tell her that she is universally correct.

Think of it this way. Every time you exhale you send molecules into the air, those are in turn recycled into someone else’s body wherein they are then exhaled and passed along to the next person. So, each and everyone of us are recycled bits of everyone else.

The same holds true for successful galaxies.

In other space related news Russia proudly announced that, while its Mars mision is a bust and several bad and occasionally fatal things have happened over the last year, they were finally able to successfully launch an Angry Bird into orbit.

Not satisfied with being catapulted across iPhone and iPad screens all over the world, this particular Angry Bird (the “plain old projectile” one) decided to use the ultimate catapult to blast himself into space: a Soyuz-FG booster rocket.

Seen here dangling from the cockpit during last night’s Soyuz launch sending three men into space, the little red toy is more than just a mascot; he’s a representative of the most recent pair of iPads to be sent to the International Space Station (ISS).

This particular soft toy had a practical use, too — it was used by cosmonauts Anton Shkaplerov and Anatoly Ivanishin, and NASA astronaut Daniel Burbank as a “zero gravity indicator.”

According to CollectSPACE.com, the Angry Bird was selected by Shkaplerov’s 5-year-old daughter for the flight, and he would have done her proud.

During launch, the camera inside the capsule could clearly see the dangling bird. Nine minutes into the flight, just after third stage separation (9 minutes 25 seconds into the video below), the bird did his thing: he floated freely, signifying the capsule had reached orbit and the crew was experiencing microgravity.

“As you can see from the Angry Bird floating above Shkaplerov, the crew has reached orbit,” the NASA launch commentator said humorously in the live NASA TV footage of the launch.

I’m no app developer, but I think this might be the perfect time for Angry Bird creators Rovio to consider a Special Space Edition…

I guess that’s one way to recycle your kid’s toys.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfrxFbhy5RI&w=480&h=360]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!