Archives for October 2011

Money is a fascinating tool. We use it for many things. Sure, you buy stuff with it but you can also save it, use it for equity of many types, assign it importance above or below something else and so on. Money can buy you sex. Don’t laugh. If this guy had any cash the cops wouldn’t have arrested him, naked, covered in cooking oil while trying to seduce teenage girls.Then again, I’m not sure there’s a hooker on the planet who would agree to this. Just FYI, the young ladies involved were not R. Kelly fans so, when offered the chance to spend an evening with a naked fat man covered in cooking oil and carrying crack cocaine, they called the cops. See? There is hope for America’s youth. Anyway, in general, money allows you to do stuff.

But not any more.

In Louisiana it is now illegal to pay for lots of stuff with cash.

Cold hard cash. It’s good everywhere you go, right? You can use it to pay for anything.

But that’s not the case here in Louisiana now. It’s a law that was passed during this year’s busy legislative session.

House bill 195 basically says those who buy and sell second hand goods cannot use cash to make those transactions, and it flew so far under the radar most businesses don’t even know about it.

“We’re gonna lose a lot of business,” says Danny Guidry, who owns the Pioneer Trading Post in Lafayette. He deals in buying and selling unique second hand items.

“We don’t want this cash transaction to be taken away from us. It’s an everyday transaction,” Guidry explains.

Guidry says, “I think everyone in this business once they find out about it. They’re will definitely be a lot of uproar.”

The law states those who buy or sell second hand goods are prohibited from using cash. State representative Rickey Hardy co-authored the bill.

Hardy says, “they give a check or a cashiers money order, or electronic one of those three mechanisms is used.”

Hardy says the bill is targeted at criminals who steal anything from copper to televisions, and sell them for a quick buck. Having a paper trail will make it easier for law enforcement.

“It’s a mechanism to be used so the police department has something to go on and have a lead,” explains Hardy.

Guidry feels his store shouldn’t have to change it’s ways of doing business, because he may possibly buy or sell stolen goods. Something he says has happened once in his eight years.

“We are being targeted for something we shouldn’t be.”

Besides non-profit resellers like Goodwill, and garage sales, the language of the bill encompasses stores like the Pioneer Trading Post and flea markets.

Lawyer Thad Ackel Jr. feels the passage of this bill begins a slippery slope for economic freedom in the state.

“The government is placing a significant restriction on individuals transacting in their own private property,” says Ackel.

Pawn shops have been forced to keep records of their clients for years. However under this bill they are still allowed to deal in cash.

I really can’t wait for cops to try and enforce this law. As written it would also apply to garage sales, church bake sales and so on. Because, as we all know, those are hotbeds of gang banging activity.

But, what can we do to help the economy? Not a problem. Lawmakers in Florida, where else, are demanding that dwarf tossing be legalized.

A POLITICIAN wants to make “dwarf tossing” legal in Melbourne.

But Victorians shouldn’t expect such a competition in their capital city any time soon.

It’s the city of the same name in the US state of Florida where the push is on to provide employment opportunity for little people.

Republican Ritch Workman filed the proposed legislation this week, according to the Palm Beach Post, which quoted him as saying, “In this economy, or any economy, why would we want to prevent people from getting gainful employment?”

Mr Workman also called the decision to outlaw dwarf tossing “an example of Big Brother government”.

The bar attraction generally involves people competing to throw dwarfs in padded clothing on to mattresses or at Velcro-coated walls.

“I would never force anybody to take this form of employment or pay to watch it,” Mr Workman said.

“I think it’s repulsive and stupid. But it’s none of the state’s business if somebody wants to do this.”

But members of Little People of America cautioned against what the Post called “a Leave No Tossed Dwarf Behind bill”.

Robert Van Etten, a 1.04m engineering consultant said, “The people who were thrown were alcoholics with low self-esteem. Many of them were injured. One committed suicide.”

David Dodge, a 1.32m computer network consultant warned, “The possibility of getting paralysed is high. And then to be used as an object for people’s amusement is very degrading.”

Although said to have started in Australia, dwarf tossing’s origins are sketchy. It was banned in Florida after a participant died.

But, c’mon, this is the state dedicated to the joy of dwarfs. After all, they have a whole section of the state set aside to the Heigh Ho theme. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, other than everything?

But in China, where capitalism was supposed to go to die, capitalist heroes, who are descendants of the most famous fascists in history, have come up with a perfectly family friendly way to sell cars. They are using live, nude, models to see cars.

And you thought we Asians are conservative. While the idea of pairing cars and women together seems like a decidedly Western concept, the Chinese have outdone the Americans in this department. Not content with having girls frolicking in teeny-tiny bikinis, the organizers at a Volkswagen show in Heilongjiang province decided that the models should wear their birthday suits!

I wonder what the Chinese commie government thinks about this….

Actually, this is not an isolated incident, if we can put it that way. Car shows in China have gotten raunchier by the minute. Just capitalism at work, my friends. Just capitalism.

I’m just trying to picture this conversation

“Oh, honey, we have to buy the new Jeta.”

“Why?”

“Because they have a hot naked chick who is pretending to think I’m cute.”

I wonder what the divorce rate in China will be?

Some things that can help you save money, even without hot naked girls, is making sure your cell phone plan covers the people who are using it. A Florida lady – c’mon – where else? – let her 2 deaf mute relatives use the phone out of the country (i.e., all text and video) in Canada and got a $200,000 bill. T-Mobile, to their credit, cut the bill to 1% of the total, but that’s still a couple of grand.

Nevertheless, America has long been the world’s leader using naked women to sell stuff and I refuse to see a great American tradition die just because there are a few minor glitches in the economy. Let’s support our history and make America great again.

[vimeo http://www.vimeo.com/10738300 w=400&h=227]

Mayday Parade / Kids In Love from Nickolas Hawkins on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

Family, it’s the cornerstone of all civilization. No matter your religion or ethnicity or zip code, without family you – literally – would not exist. Granted, some families are different than others. Some reside in veritable communes, some in rigid patriarchies and others somewhere in between. Some familes make you wonder how inbred they are, as is the case with the recently discovered cyclops shark (happy birthday uncle dad?) or the Kentucky genius who was arrested after telling cops he’d only had two pizzas to drink. Of course he made the cops’ job much easier by leaving his heroin all over the front seat of his car. But those are isolated cases of genetic mutation gone wrong. I’m more interested in the family dynamic as it plays out in day to day life.

An obvious example would be the 9 year old girl who was driving her dad around at 3:00 AM to buy booze. His friend, who seems to define the word “enabler,” had this bit of insight to the affair.

Michael Wheatley, who said he is a friend and employee of Weimer’s, said he was shocked when showed the video showing the girl getting into the driver’s seat of her father’s full-size van at a gas station near Telegraph and West roads but that he considers Weimer a great dad to his little girl.

“I was in shock,” Wheatley told reporters Tuesday following the adjournment of Weimer’s preliminary examination. “That is not the Shawn I know. That’s the drinking Shawn.”

I should also note the the girl’s mother was upset because …. wait for it …..

… she was unaware her daughter could drive.

“I know that she does drive that four-wheeler, a little one,” Heather Hannon, a 36-year-old Lincoln Park resident told The Detroit News on Tuesday.

“I have no clue how she reached the pedals (of her father’s vehicle).”

I have a whole list of things that I would be upset about in this case, finding out that my 9 year old had basic driving skills would be so low on that list as to be laughable.

But some families do manage to keep their transgressions limited to adult participants. One such example happened here in Chicago when a woman was arrested for assault with attempt to cupcake or some similar legal term.

A food fight led to domestic battery charges for a woman on Chicago’s Southwest Side.

Late Saturday night, a man called police to his home on the 4700 block of South Western Avenue because his wife was hurling cupcakes at him, Chicago police said. When officers arrived at the home in the Brighton Park neighborhood, they said the man was covered in frosting and crumbs.

He told officers he feared for his safety. The police report states the woman was verbally aggressive with officers.

On Sunday, a Cook County judge ordered electronic monitoring for the woman and a $10,000 bond. The woman was also charged with a misdemeanor count of domestic battery.

This isn’t the first time the couple have been in trouble with the law. Records indicate that since 2003, the alleged victim himself has been arrested three times on domestic battery or battery charges. Charges in all three cases were later dropped.

Now that’s love, don’t you think? As long as they don’t procreate I think they should stay together.

I cannot say the same about this Seattle family who used their daughter as a jousting dummy.

Yes, I said “jousting,” as in King Arthur and all that crap.

A Thurston County couple is accused of beating their daughter and forcing her to fight them in a medieval-style duel.

Investigators arrested the 16-year-old girl’s stepfather, Fremon Seay, and her mother, Julie Seay, this weekend.

According to police, the teen was forced her to dress in armor and fight Fremon Seay with a wooden sword for two hours. Police also said Seay punched and beat his stepdaughter with a tree branch prior to the duel. Investigators said she collapsed from exhaustion.

The couple told officers they punished the teen for going to a party without their permission.

Investigators learned the couple is part of a group of Renaissance enthusiasts, who recreate fights from the medieval era.

Officers said the parents told them it was their right to discipline their child however they see fit.

Police said Julie Seay witnessed the abuse. She is employed at a daycare in Yelm.

The teen reportedly has bruises all over her body, but is expected to recover. She and two other children who live at the home are temporarily staying with other family members.

The couple appeared at the Thurston County Courthouse Monday afternoon.

No, Mr. and Mrs. Moron, you do not get to “discipline (your) child however (you) see fit.” That is the same excuse offered by demented freaks who lock their kids in closets for days on end without food or worse. The reason that laws were written to protect children is because parents like you forced lawmakers to act. Hopefully it will be a slow day in court when you appear so the judge can have fun taking his or her time turning your life into a personal hell.

But, to me, nothing says “Good natured family fun” like an evening with a power saw and a severed artery. Just FYI, this is our third story today from Washington state. Anyway, according to Everett police, this was a night of family fun taken to a whole, new, level.

A woman has appeared in court accused of cutting her sleeping husband’s neck and shoulder with a power saw.

Officers who arrived at the home in Everett, Wash., say they could hear the victim shouting: “You tried to cut my head off. You’re going to jail.”

The Daily Herald reported the 43-year-old woman appeared in court Monday on a charge of domestic violence assault and a judge kept her bail at $250,000. The newspaper did not identify her.

Police say the woman told officers she grabbed the saw Friday night because an intruder escaped out her daughter’s window.

Sgt. Robert Goetz said a child lock prevented the window from opening more than a few inches. “There was no evidence there was an intruder,” he told the Daily Herald.

The home’s front and back doors were also locked, police said.

The 36-year-old man was treated at a hospital. The Daily Herald reported that the victim also said he had been wounded with a hatchet.

Um, yeah, I believe her without question. She should be let go right now to avoid a travesty of justice.

NOT!!!!!!

Really? The burglar (who took nothing and left no clues) escaped through a 4 inch gap in a window so you had to cut off your husband’s head? Not even after many beers would that make sense to me.

So, the next time you’re kvetching about your odd uncle who seems obsessed with baseball stats, thank your favorite deity you’re not related to any of these folks.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysXHKWwh54o&w=480&h=360]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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We all want to be liked. It’s hard wired into our DNA. Even those lonely losers who play World of Warcraft and talk about their twelfth level dwarfs would giggle like school girls if a real person actually took the time to get to know and, eventually, like them. For some people the best way to get noticed is to remind people of others. Some come about this gift naturally, like the poor bastard featured in the film The Devil’s Double. HEY! You look just like Uday Hussein! Let’s party!.

Yeah, maybe not.

But what if you were wanted because, and we’re just talking here, you looked like President Obama and people wanted you to star in porn. Or, maybe, you look like Sarah Palin and people wanted you to star in porn. You get the idea. And, no, I couldn’t find any Mother Theresa porn so your beliefs are safe for another day.

But the one thing that all these scenarios have in common is that you could say “no.” You don’t need a reason, you don’t even need a lawyer. You just say “no, thanks,” and walk away. But what if you lived in a country where you couldn’t? Ahram Online (I’m linking to the English translation, so don’t panic) says that’s exactly what happened to this poor guy.

An Egyptian man was severely beaten after an Iraqi gang tried to kidnap and force him to film pornographic videos because of his astonishing resemblance to former Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein.

Mohamed Bishr says he was on his way on Sunday to a café in the bustling downtown area of Egypt’s second city of Alexandria when three men wearing black suits tried to force him into the back of a van.

“The three men, who had guns hanging from their belts, forced me out of my car and shoved me into a van, hitting my head,” Bishr, a devout Muslim, told Ahram’s Arabic portal from his hospital bed.

The incident was short but traumatic. Bishr said the last thing he remembers was the men yelling at each other, and then throwing him out of the van where he hit his face on the pavement.

Passers-by quickly gathered around but were too afraid to apprehend the apparently armed kidnappers.

Bishr’s son, Mahmoud, said that his father had previously met with a group of unidentified people — who spoke Arabic in an Iraqi or Syrian dialect — and had been offered LE2 million pounds (US$333,000) to impersonate the late dictator in a pornographic video. Bishr refused.

His son said that after the meeting his father had received several telephone calls threatening him with kidnap if he didn’t change his mind and shoot the Saddam sex tape.

It is believed his kidnappers would have tried to pass off the video recording they made as genuine and sell it to international media.

This was not the first time Bishr has been harassed because of his looks, according to his sons. They said other Iraqis in Egypt had previously assaulted their father, telling him “you are Saddam Hussein and we will turn you in for the million-dollar reward.”

Bishr has changed his residence four times to avoid such harrassment, they claimed.

“We asked the police to put special protection on our father, because this has happened to us several times,” said Mahmoud.

Former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein, executed in Baghdad in 2006, was rumoured to have used the services of several doubles to make public appearances in his place.

None are thought to have performed in adult films.

Really, Saddam porn? Is there a market of any type for that and, if so, can we just nuke it for the good of all humanity? As to Mr. Bishr, might I suggest dying, and trimming, that beard? It would go a long way to solving your problem.

Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t thank my good buddy Nick for making sure I read this.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKbhQCcBuY8&w=500&h=317]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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A long time ago in a land far, far away I was making fun of people who were predicting the end of the world. Oh, wait, that was this week and just about a block from here. You see it becomes kind of a blur. All of the different apocalypses get confusing to me after a while. Is this the Rapture or just the Revenge of the Mayans or maybe something serious like Nibiru? Wait, did I say serious? Excuse me for a second.

Okay, I’m better now. If you’re bored and Google Nibiru you’ll end up on web sites such as the one I’m linking to which are written by complete idiots. I mean we are talking about people who shouldn’t be allowed outside without adult supervision. Seriously, just read this crap.

In 1841, John Couch Adams began investigating the by then quite large residuals in the motion of Uranus. In 1845, Urbain Le Verrier started to investigate them, too. Adams presented two different solutions to the problem, assuming that the deviations were caused by the gravitation from an unknown planet.

Sept 30, 1846 — one week after the discovery of Neptune, Le Verrier declared that there may be still another unknown planet out there. On October 10, Neptune’s large moon Triton was discovered, which yielded an easy way to accurately determine the mass of Neptune, which turned out to be 2% larger than expected from the perturbations upon Uranus.

Another attempt to find a trans-Neptunian planet was done in 1877 by David Todd. He used a “graphical method”, from the residuals of Uranus, he derived elements for a trans-Neptunian planet: mean distance 52 a.u., period 375 years, magnitude fainter than 13.

All that sounds cool until you realize that there is not one itsy bitsy piece of evidence to back up any of it. Nor will there be since – as I’ve noted – it’s all crap. Space.com set aside a page to deal with all the idiots but that’s like setting a garden hose aside to deal with the Chicago Fire.

But, as much as I like making fun of these idiots they do have effects on the real world that need to be dealt with. Life’s Little Mysteries reports on a terrifying ramification.

The waxing obsession with Nibiru, which conspiracy theorists say is a planet swinging in from the outskirts of our solar system that is going to crash into Earth and wipe out humanity in 2012 — or, in some opinions, 2011 — shows that an astonishing number of people “are watching YouTube videos and visiting slick websites with nothing in their skeptical toolkit,” in the words of David Morrison, a planetary astronomer at NASA Ames Research Center and senior scientist at the NASA Astrobiology Institute.

Morrison estimates that there are 2 million websites discussing the impending Nibiru-Earth collision. He receives, on average, five email inquiries about Nibiru every day.

“At least a once a week I get a message from a young person ― as young as 11 ― who says they are ill and/or contemplating suicide because of the coming doomsday,” Morrison told Life’s Little Mysteries.

Great. Try explaining to an 11 year old that their parent’s a moron. That’s got to be fun.

And, by “fun,” I mean just like having your spleen ripped out with a rusty spoon.

Anyway, as you’re reading this the comet Elenin, a/k/a Nibiru for dummies, is coming to our neighborhood. Unless you have a telescope or live in a very rural area and get lucky you’re going to miss it. Mike Wall at CBS tells us all why while trying not to laugh his (posterior) off at the believers who’ve been clogging up his phone lines.

The moment long feared by conspiracy theorists is nearly upon us: The “doomsday comet” Elenin will make its closest approach to Earth Sunday (Oct. 16). Or what’s left of it will, anyway.

Comet Elenin started breaking up in August after being blasted by a huge solar storm, and a close pass by the sun on Sept. 10 apparently finished it off, astronomers say. So what will cruise within 22 million miles (35.4 million kilometers) of our planet Sunday is likely to be a stream of debris rather than a completely intact comet.

And the leftovers of Elenin won’t return for 12,000 years, astronomers say.

“Folks are having trouble finding it, so I think it’s probably dead and gone,” said astronomer Don Yeomans of the Near-Earth Object Program Office at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calif.

That means it probably won’t present much of a skywatching show Sunday, scientists have said.

The doomsday comet

Elenin’s apparent demise may come as a relief to some folks, since apocalyptic rumors circulating on the Internet portrayed the comet as a major threat to Earth.

One theory claimed Elenin would set off havoc on Earth after aligning with other heavenly bodies, spurring massive earthquakes and tsunamis. Another held that Elenin was not a comet at all, but in fact a rogue planet called Nibiru that would bring about the end times on Earth. After all, the comet’s name could be taken as a spooky acronym: “Extinction-Level Event: Nibiru Is Nigh.”

Those ideas were pure nonsense, Yeomans said.

“Elenin was a second-rate, wimpy little comet that never should have been noted for anything, really,” he told SPACE.com. “It was not even a bright one.”

Elenin’s remains will not be the only objects about to make their closest pass of Earth. One day after the Elenin flyby, the small asteroid 2009 TM8 will zip close by. Like Elenin, it poses no risk of striking our home planet.

Asteroid 2009 TM8 is about 21 feet (6.4 meters) wide and the size of a schoolbus. It will come within 212,000 miles of Earth – just inside the orbit of the moon – when it zips by on Monday morning (Oct. 17).

Say goodbye to Elenin

Elenin was named after its discoverer, Russian amateur astronomer Leonid Elenin, who spotted it in December 2010. Before the icy wanderer broke up, its nucleus was likely 2 to 3 miles (3 to 5 km) in diameter, scientists say.

Elenin never posed any threat to life on Earth, Yeomans said. It was far too small to exert any appreciable influence on our planet unless it managed to hit us.

“Just driving to work every day in my subcompact car is going to have far more of a gravitational effect on Earth than this comet ever will,” Yeomans said.

Elenin’s supposed connection to earthquakes was just a correlation, and a weak one at that, he added. Relatively strong earthquakes occur every day somewhere on Earth, so it’s easy — but not statistically valid — to blame some of them on the comet’s changing position.

Yeomans views the frenzy over Elenin as a product of the Internet age, which allows loud and often uninformed voices to drown out the rather more prosaic results that scientists publish in peer-reviewed journals.

“It’s a snowball effect on the Web,” Yeomans said. “You get one or two folks who make an outrageous claim, and a bunch of others pile on. Some folks are actually making a living this way.”

Elenin’s crumbs will soon leave Earth in the rear-view mirror, speeding out on a long journey to the outer solar system. But Yeomans doesn’t think the departure will keep the conspiracy theorists down for long.

“It’s time to move on to the next armageddon,” he said.

And, HOORAY!, the next scheduled Armageddon is due in 14 months. Get your party reservations now.

These guys are the best Armageddon band on the planet, by the way.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEx13xa7CgU&w=480&h=360]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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This is the kind of day that makes me weep for joy. The kind of moment in life when you realize that all your rantings and ravings about something have been finally, and irrevocably, been proven valid. Long have I proclaimed that Florida is where the gene pool goes to die. Yea and verily have I cried from the rooftops that the only sane people in that godforsaken state are tourists. But, no matter my well reasoned opinion, the state still seemed to find its defenders. I know them well. They send me emails in ALL CAPS that explain that …. well, let’s just quote one, shall we?

UR AN IDOT1

When faced with scathing criticism like that it’s all I can not to wither.

But, today, finally, I am pretty sure we can settle this matter once and for all.

Let’s start with the easy stuff first. A Florida teen, looking for a way to kill time between trips to the unemployment line, made a blow gun and shot people at random.

It’s a jungle out there!

Now we have to be alert for blow gun attacks.

Because the sad truth is Floridians never seen to run out of ways to hurt somebody.

Michael Brittain Brabham of Marathon was arrested for shooting a man in the side with a dart from a “blow gun” at a Circle K in Big Coppitt Key, according to a media release from the Monroe County Sheriff’s office.

According to the release:
The man was in the parking lot of the convenience store with his wife Wednesday when he felt a sharp sting on his right side.

It wasn’t a mosquito.

The man found a dart sticking in his shirt and saw a green vehicle pull quickly away.

He called the Sheriff’s Office who put a notice to be on the lookout for a green sedan with lots of stickers on the back window. The man was taken to a hospital because he was concerned about what the dart may have had on it.

A few hours later a vehicle matching the description was spotted on Big Pine Key and pulled it over. Several people were in the car.

A deputy also found a PVC pipe in the car.

Brabham was arrested and charged with aggravated battery after he admitted to shooting the victim with a dart using the PVC pipe.

The injured man was treated for minor injuries and released from the hospital.

I’m glad the guy is fine. Since he responded rationally and intelligently, we can assume he’s from out of state. But that kid’s far from the only motorized moron meandering the highways and byways of the Sunshine State. This guy ran over a little person carrying a sign. To do this he had to drive on the sidewalk where the little person was standing.

Driver accused of hitting sign-waver: ‘I thought I hit a stop sign’

A sign of the time: Being a human billboard is downright dangerous work.

You stand near busy roads waving a sign and hope folks who are passing within feet of you aren’t drunk or texting.

Etem Alajbegu, 27, is accused of driving a Porsche SUV onto the sidewalk and fatally striking sign-waver Stephen “Lugnut” Duzick, 49, reports the Naples Daily News.

Authorities say Alajbegu was drunk at the time. He told FHP troopers that he thought he had hit a stop sign, according to an arrest report.

Duzick, a little person, was holding a sign for Black Eyed Pig BBQ when he was killed.

Good of them to get a shout out for the restaurant, don’t you think? Now, I’m not sure, but isn’t calling a midget “Lugnut” kind of offensive? Maybe not. At least not in Florida.

Of course, not every Floridian has their own vehicle to wreck havoc with. That’s why some of them have to steal police cars.

It looks like David Tooth, 47, of Christmas Tree Lane in Panama City Beach will be having a blue holiday season.

That’s because Tooth apparently set some teeth on edge.

He’s accused of knocking down a Panama City Beach police officer before getting into his police cruiser and leaving the scene of an accident, reports the Panama City News-Herald.

The cops caught up with Tooth, who they say was drunk, after a couple of miles.

Guess age doesn’t bring wisdom: He’s getting a little long in the tooth for this sort of behavior.

I love the hairdo. It just screams sexy, don’t you think? I mean there are trailer parks swooning over this guy. I’m sure of it.

But, one thing’s for sure, Floridians have shown, time and time again, that they know the best way to deal with volatile situations. You take a baseball bat to them and beat them senseless.

It was closing time at a Four Corners bar when Carlos Javier Gonzalez, 24, accused James Moore, 38, of drinking his beer. Moore allegedly told Gonzalez “he didn’t like Puerto Ricans” and denied taking his beer, according to an arrest affidavit, reports the Orlando Sentinel.

Gonzalez, who was born in Puerto Rico, took umbrage at the remark and later attacked the couple with a baseball bat after they left the bar, leaving Moore in critical condition.

Witnesses told Lake County Sheriff’s deputies Gonzalez hit Moore on the head multiple times with the bat and yelled “This is what happens when you [expletive] with a Puerto Rican,” the report said.

Several of the commenters, on the page where the original article is posted, are demanding that Gonzales be deported back to Puerto Rico. In Floridian schools they don’t know about that whole “Commonwealth of the United States” thing and are unaware that the government could no more do that than they could deport someone to Kentucky.

Which is also a Commonwealth of the U.S.

Well, as Ron White likes to say, “You can’t fix stupid.”

But what does the average Floridian do when they don’t have a bat or someone to be mad at? Not a problem, they just beat up an ATM.

Fed up with bank fees?

Think ATMs are one-armed bandits?

So does Joel Gaudreaul.

The 29-year-old Vero Beach man had a tiff with a teller, an automated teller machine, that is.

So he demonstrated his frustration in a unique way — call it an ATM Smackdown.

According to his arrest affidavit, Gaudreault damaged the ATM’s face plate and broke the color screen “due to being charged (too) much by the machine in fees,” reports Will Greenlee in his Off the Beat blog for TCPalm.com in Stuart.

One of my step fathers was from Stuart. He was a jerk too.

But women in Florida have set the bar for stupid to a level so high (low?) that it may never be seen again. It turns out many of them fell for the old door to door breast exam scam.

Phillip Winikoff, 81, was accused of posing as a doctor and offering free door-to-door breast exams at a Lauderdale Lakes apartment in 2006, reports the South Florida Sun-Sentinel.

Investigators said two women allowed Winikoff into their apartments before they realized something was amiss after the exams started.

Winikoff even carried a little black doc bag. The first woman, 36 at the time, told detectives he started the exam by fondling her breasts, and she knew something was wrong when his hands wandered elsewhere, the Sun-Sentinel reported.

If tried and convicted, he could have faced more than 45 years in prison for the sexual battery charges and another 10 years for practicing medicine without a license.

It was not revealed whether Winikoff’s plea deal will keep him out of prison.

He sure looks like a medical professional, doesn’t he? Okay, seriously, ladies, is this something you’d fall for? Some random guy shows up at your door and offers to feel your boobs for free and you just say “Hokey dokey, let me just lose this bra.”

Really? Why do we men even bother paying for dates?

But, I have saved the best for last. Because, while one story like this is tragic eleven are freaking hysterical. I’ll just link the headlines so this doesn’t turn into the internet version of War and Peace.

Man shoots self after claiming gun was not loaded.

For the rest of us, you can check to see if a gun is loaded simply by checking the chamber.

Ouch! Teen playing with gun shoots his own testicles.

Thanks for getting out the gene pool buddy. Humanity appreciates it.

Man’s last words: ‘Go ahead and shoot me’

See? Wishes do come true.

Felon shot himself, got busted for possessing gun, cops say

I love it when they save the police ammunition.

Man accidentally shoots self at gun show

Nothing more needs to be said.

Man accidentally shoots himself while in line at Mickey D’s

Oh, I need another quarter? Hold on while I …. ooops.

High theatrics: Bang! Uh, that gun was loaded, not a stage prop

It’s a sad comment on their society that even their Thespians are morons.

Sign that you shouldn’t own a gun: You have one and accidentally shoot yourself

Yep, that’s a very good sign.

Man, 75, shoots himself instead of snake

HA HA HA HA HA …. etc.

Your shirt drawer probably isn’t the best place for your gun — especially since it’s loaded

Neither is your sock drawer.

So there you have it. Empirical proof that Florida is where the gene pool went to die.

Now, let’s dance in celebration.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXT52qGsfJM&w=500&h=317]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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