Where Do All The Stupid People Come From?

Every year people like you and I bemoan the ravages on the human intellect. It seems that screaming has become the new discourse and wild conjecture the new science. From people believing, without a shred of proof, that our president is a Kenyan native who practices Islam to the fun folks who use pocket calculators to predict the end of the world, we do seem to be surrounded by morons. But, you have to ask, is this a new thing? In many ways, no. There have been stupid people forever. But, and this is where things get tricky, when stupid people discovered they could get on TV and radio, either as hosts or guests, even if it meant humiliating their occasional loved ones, all bets were off. I once asked a young lady why she went on a tawdry show and she responded “They got me a nice room and a bottle of champagne and I got to ride in a limo.” Just in case anyone wants to know what the price of abject humiliation is.

But, I think it may even go deeper than that. I think it goes back to the time when morons were given access to cameras. Not satisfied to be drooling societal rejects left to their own devices, now they had a way to share. Not just their own stupidity, but their abject joy of being stupid parents somehow makes them feel better about themselves. Seriously, what kind of tool dresses their kid up as a toddling stripper or pot plant?

When faced with human dross such as this you tend not to be surprised when someone grows up, gets arrested for stealing a sandwich ….. and a forklift.

Really? This was his grand plan? Steal a forklift in public? Sheesh.

A pilfered Reuben sandwich and a stolen forklift have a Pittsburgh man in quite a pickle.

Ross Township police say 38-year-old Sean Faulkner ordered the sandwich from a bar, then ran out without paying and climbed on a forklift for his getaway.

Faulkner allegedly stole the forklift from a construction site on Sunday then drove it two miles to Sieb’s Pub. Bartender Karie Donatelli says Faulkner ordered the sandwich then bolted for the door after his food arrived.

Investigators say Faulkner was still in the parking lot when officers arrived. Police say he couldn’t get the forklift to go into reverse.

Faulkner is being held at Allegheny County Jail on charges of theft and receiving stolen property.

Can you imagine that 911 call? Yeah, neither can I. But I bet the cops demanded that it be confirmed before they left their local doughnut shop.

Of course, when you want the creme de la creme of brain crushing stupidity you have to go to Florida. All I can say is that I’m not making this up.

The battle for pizza supremacy has taken a wrong turn in Florida.

Two managers of a Domino’s Pizza restaurant in Lake City, in north-central Florida, have been charged with burning down a rival Papa John’s location.

The motive? Police say one of the men admitted that he believed with his competitor out of the way, more pizza lovers would flock to his restaurant.

The Papa John’s was gutted in the Oct. 20 fire.

Sean Everett Davidson, 23, and Bryan David Sullivan, 22 were arrested Thursday and Friday, respectively, and booked on an arson charge each and were being held in jail.

The Star-Banner of Ocala reports that police are still looking for an ignition device that the men claimed they made but did not use to start the fire.

Police said the suspects described a device made out of a clack, a nine-volt battery, a golf ball-size amount of black gunpowder and a plastic bag, the newspaper reported.

The suspects allegedly told police that they dismantled the device and threw the parts out of their vehicle along Interstate 75.

Police warned anyone finding an odd device along the highway not to touch it.

Oh, c’mon, this is a state where 1/3 of all famous last words are “Hey ya’ll, watch this!” Someone’s picking that sucker up.

However, in an effort to present some fair and balanced journalism here, it is not true that cops figured out who the culprits were because the pizza parlor burned in 30 minutes or less.

I could go on, but today’s your first day back from surviving the company Halloween parties. Not that we had any here at Nude Hippo with all the redecorating going on, but I am old enough and wise enough to feel your pain anyway.

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Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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