Given the economic horrors we’ve all been faced with Halloween almost seems anticlimactic. But, what the heck, I’ll give it the old school try. Let’s start with the Attack of the Giant Lego Man!!! Well, there’s not really much to report here. He didn’t attack anyone since he’s just a big statue built to look like he’s made of Legos and some fool left him on a beach in California. His motto of “No Real Than You Are” hasn’t really caught on since no one has a clue what it really means. Speaking of surreal, let’s catch up on the judge who used a penis pump in court while claiming it had no adverse effect on the court’s decorum. It turns out that other, non penis pumping, judges disagreed with him and now he’s lost his pension. No word yet on what’s going to happen with his unrelated DUI charges. Yeah, memo to self, DO NOT party with this guy. One guy I might want to party with is Prince Charles of England. He now claims, and seems to have the genealogy to back it up, that he is a direct descendant of Vlad the Impaler. Since the Tepes line is still considered part of the ruling class in Romania that could get interesting if Chucky decides to push the issue. He probably won’t though since he’s more interested in helping Transylvania preserve its glorious forests.
A vampire who cares?
Anyway, Detroit commuters got a rude surprise when hundreds of pumpkins attacked their cars. Great Pumpkin my ….. well, the good news is that no one was injured or killed. The bad news is that hundreds of kids are going to have a pumpkin-less Halloween. Not to worry, I’m sure someone will host a TV marathon and get Elton John to sing “Pumpkin in the Patch” (his 300th reworking of a song that sucked the first time around).
Hmm, that song sucks, vampires suck … ELTON JOHN’S A VAMPIRE!!!!!
But, at least, he’s not insane. Bellingham, Washington police are reporting that a young man there was unclear what a guillotine was for and managed to sever his own arm off with one. The young man is in a nice room with lots of padding and soft music and his arm has been, hopefully, reattached.
But there are different kinds of crazy scary people. For example, cops in Zimbabwe report that they arrested a man after he was caught with a shape shifting prostitute.
A 28-year old Zimbabwe man arrested for allegedly having sex with a donkey tied to a tree has a simple explanation for his actions: the donkey was actually a prostitute who had, well, made an ass of herself.
According to New Zimbabwe, Sunday Moyo, a 28-year-old, told the court he paid $20 for a prostitute he met at a night club. Somewhere in the time between meeting her and when he was arrested, the prostitute transformed from a woman into a donkey.
“Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested,” he told the court, according to New Zimbabwe.
Moyo also said at his court appearance that he’s a donkey.
“I think I am also a donkey,” he said, reports AFP, quoting The Herald. “I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with (the) donkey.”
According to the Zimbabwe Guardian, Moyo was arrested in Zvishavane, a town of 35,000 people that’s about 230 miles south of Harare, the country’s capital.
Moyo was charged with bestiality and ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation, according to AFP.
There are places where having sex with an animal is a rite of passage. In a Vice documentary, Hani Miletski, a sex therapist and the author of Understanding Bestiality and Zoophilia, spoke about a community in northern Colombia where some people have relations with donkeys. “In that society, it is an ancient pre-Colombian belief [that] adolescent males will not reach competence in marriage unless they practice intercourse with donkeys,” she said in the VBS.TV video.
In the United States, bestiality is illegal in thirty states, according to the Animal Legal and Historical Center at Michigan State University College of Law.
Isn’t that good news kids? There are still states and commonwealths in the U.S. where you and your significant barnyard buddy can do the horizontal mambo in peace. Yeah, that was the scariest part of the story to me too. In case you’re making vacation plans, and your sheep isn’t driving, you might want to check out Alabama, American Samoa, Colorado, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Florida, Guam, Hawaii, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Montana, North Carolina, New Jersey, New Hampshire, New Mexico, Nevada, Ohio, Texas, Vermont, West Virginia and Wyoming.
Florida did make bestiality illegal recently but the law was so poorly written it also outlawed sex between consenting adults – no matter their gender. They’re bringing in someone with a 3rd grade education to help them fix the language.
In the meantime, in the completely bat (guano) crazy category we have a winner from Georgia who has serious anger issues and makes very bad food choices.
An unhappy Taco Bell customer firebombed a Georgia fast food joint after finding there wasn’t enough meat in his XL Chalupas, police say.
After ordering a meal from the drive-thru, a man believed to be the bomber called the Albany eatery and accused the restaurant of skimping on the meat, according to a police report obtained by the Smoking Gun.
The caller demanded that his order be corrected, but an employee explained that nothing could be done because the restaurant was about to close, the report said.
The caller then referred to the Taco Bell employee using a racial epithet and made what could be interpreted as a threatening statement, according to the police document.
“That’s alright, I’ll just come and redecorate the place,” the man allegedly stated.
Later that night, someone threw a Molotov cocktail that burned the area under the drive-thru, WALB reports.
Police recovered a melted plastic bottle from the scene of the crime, according to WALB.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that those cops have already asked for a copy of the phone records.
But if you want a real fright you’ll be pleased to know that there’s more than just corn in Indiana. There’s a house full of body parts as well.
With Halloween just around the corner, one Indiana family is starting to feel like they’re living in a haunted house after discovering bones, embalming tools and gruesome photos of the dead in their attic.
“I won’t stay by myself,” Patricia Booher told The Huffington Post. “I have an uneasy feeling. I don’t know what it is. I’ve tried to stay here but I can’t.”
Booher and her husband, Richard, recently moved into their home in Knightstown, a small town about 40 miles east of Indianapolis. On Monday, they were looking in the attic for a place to store their air conditioner when they made the first of a series of bizarre discoveries.
“There were boxes of stuff in there. We thought it was knickknacks or some old dishes someone had left,” Booher said. “When [Richard] started pulling the stuff out, we found a box of empty disinfectant bottles and a wooden crate full of bottles of embalming fluid. Then he pulled out a suitcase that was full of embalming equipment — hoses and stuff.”
The more the family looked through the boxes, the creepier their finds became.
“There were knives in a case that folded out, scalpels, scissors and things they work on people with,” Booher continued. “Then we found pictures of dead people — before and after pictures of them being worked on, a projector with similar films and a skeleton.”
The skeleton and the collection of morbid items concerned the family enough that they contacted the Knightstown Police Department. Officers took photos of the items and examined the bones.
“The skeleton was determined to be a model — like you would see on display in a doctor’s office or a school classroom,” Knightstown Police officer Anthony Lorton told The Huffington Post.
While police examined the other items, Booher and her family got curious and began digging around in their basement and backyard.
“My daughter, son and niece found a few bones in the basement. Then we found four more pieces: a hip joint, vertebra, index finger bone and a rib bone,” Booher said.
So far, the findings have been frightening — but they haven’t aroused suspicions of foul play, according to police.
“The bones found in the cellar have been ruled out as animal bones,” Lorton said. “We took the others to [the anthropology department at] Ball State University to be tested to see what they are. That will be done Friday.”
Booher said family members are continuing to dig in the backyard today.
“I’m not saying the person who put this stuff here was a bad man. I just want to know why it was left here. Why are there bones here? You have to honor the dead,” Booher said.
Whether the most recent bones are human is yet to be seen, but Lorton said he thinks he may have some explanation for the scary discoveries.
“The story we are getting is that there was a gentleman who was renting to own the property and up and left it, along with a lot of his stuff at the house,” he said. “So that is probably where all that stuff came from.”
The photos of dead people appear to be from the 1970s and 1980s, the officer said, and were likely taken by the person who performed their embalming.
“Look at them from the standpoint of an individual who is keeping a portfolio of his work,” Lorton said. “To the everyday person, they are going to be disturbing to look at, but for a person trying to get a job at a funeral home, they are examples of his work.”
Lorton added, “Is it creepy? Yes. Criminal? No.”
As for the skeleton, the officer said he may have his own plans for it if the Boohers do not want it back.
“I am half tempted to put a hat on it and have it running radar,” Lorton joked.
You know what? I want to party with Anthony Lorton. He has a good head on his shoulders ….. for now.
MU HU HA HA HA ……
Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!