It’s a Family Affair

No, more is not merrier
Family, it’s the cornerstone of all civilization. No matter your religion or ethnicity or zip code, without family you – literally – would not exist. Granted, some families are different than others. Some reside in veritable communes, some in rigid patriarchies and others somewhere in between. Some familes make you wonder how inbred they are, as is the case with the recently discovered cyclops shark (happy birthday uncle dad?) or the Kentucky genius who was arrested after telling cops he’d only had two pizzas to drink. Of course he made the cops’ job much easier by leaving his heroin all over the front seat of his car. But those are isolated cases of genetic mutation gone wrong. I’m more interested in the family dynamic as it plays out in day to day life.

An obvious example would be the 9 year old girl who was driving her dad around at 3:00 AM to buy booze. His friend, who seems to define the word “enabler,” had this bit of insight to the affair.

Michael Wheatley, who said he is a friend and employee of Weimer’s, said he was shocked when showed the video showing the girl getting into the driver’s seat of her father’s full-size van at a gas station near Telegraph and West roads but that he considers Weimer a great dad to his little girl.

“I was in shock,” Wheatley told reporters Tuesday following the adjournment of Weimer’s preliminary examination. “That is not the Shawn I know. That’s the drinking Shawn.”

I should also note the the girl’s mother was upset because …. wait for it …..

… she was unaware her daughter could drive.

“I know that she does drive that four-wheeler, a little one,” Heather Hannon, a 36-year-old Lincoln Park resident told The Detroit News on Tuesday.

“I have no clue how she reached the pedals (of her father’s vehicle).”

I have a whole list of things that I would be upset about in this case, finding out that my 9 year old had basic driving skills would be so low on that list as to be laughable.

But some families do manage to keep their transgressions limited to adult participants. One such example happened here in Chicago when a woman was arrested for assault with attempt to cupcake or some similar legal term.

A food fight led to domestic battery charges for a woman on Chicago’s Southwest Side.

Late Saturday night, a man called police to his home on the 4700 block of South Western Avenue because his wife was hurling cupcakes at him, Chicago police said. When officers arrived at the home in the Brighton Park neighborhood, they said the man was covered in frosting and crumbs.

He told officers he feared for his safety. The police report states the woman was verbally aggressive with officers.

On Sunday, a Cook County judge ordered electronic monitoring for the woman and a $10,000 bond. The woman was also charged with a misdemeanor count of domestic battery.

This isn’t the first time the couple have been in trouble with the law. Records indicate that since 2003, the alleged victim himself has been arrested three times on domestic battery or battery charges. Charges in all three cases were later dropped.

Now that’s love, don’t you think? As long as they don’t procreate I think they should stay together.

I cannot say the same about this Seattle family who used their daughter as a jousting dummy.

Yes, I said “jousting,” as in King Arthur and all that crap.

A Thurston County couple is accused of beating their daughter and forcing her to fight them in a medieval-style duel.

Investigators arrested the 16-year-old girl’s stepfather, Fremon Seay, and her mother, Julie Seay, this weekend.

According to police, the teen was forced her to dress in armor and fight Fremon Seay with a wooden sword for two hours. Police also said Seay punched and beat his stepdaughter with a tree branch prior to the duel. Investigators said she collapsed from exhaustion.

The couple told officers they punished the teen for going to a party without their permission.

Investigators learned the couple is part of a group of Renaissance enthusiasts, who recreate fights from the medieval era.

Officers said the parents told them it was their right to discipline their child however they see fit.

Police said Julie Seay witnessed the abuse. She is employed at a daycare in Yelm.

The teen reportedly has bruises all over her body, but is expected to recover. She and two other children who live at the home are temporarily staying with other family members.

The couple appeared at the Thurston County Courthouse Monday afternoon.

No, Mr. and Mrs. Moron, you do not get to “discipline (your) child however (you) see fit.” That is the same excuse offered by demented freaks who lock their kids in closets for days on end without food or worse. The reason that laws were written to protect children is because parents like you forced lawmakers to act. Hopefully it will be a slow day in court when you appear so the judge can have fun taking his or her time turning your life into a personal hell.

But, to me, nothing says “Good natured family fun” like an evening with a power saw and a severed artery. Just FYI, this is our third story today from Washington state. Anyway, according to Everett police, this was a night of family fun taken to a whole, new, level.

A woman has appeared in court accused of cutting her sleeping husband’s neck and shoulder with a power saw.

Officers who arrived at the home in Everett, Wash., say they could hear the victim shouting: “You tried to cut my head off. You’re going to jail.”

The Daily Herald reported the 43-year-old woman appeared in court Monday on a charge of domestic violence assault and a judge kept her bail at $250,000. The newspaper did not identify her.

Police say the woman told officers she grabbed the saw Friday night because an intruder escaped out her daughter’s window.

Sgt. Robert Goetz said a child lock prevented the window from opening more than a few inches. “There was no evidence there was an intruder,” he told the Daily Herald.

The home’s front and back doors were also locked, police said.

The 36-year-old man was treated at a hospital. The Daily Herald reported that the victim also said he had been wounded with a hatchet.

Um, yeah, I believe her without question. She should be let go right now to avoid a travesty of justice.

NOT!!!!!!

Really? The burglar (who took nothing and left no clues) escaped through a 4 inch gap in a window so you had to cut off your husband’s head? Not even after many beers would that make sense to me.

So, the next time you’re kvetching about your odd uncle who seems obsessed with baseball stats, thank your favorite deity you’re not related to any of these folks.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysXHKWwh54o&w=480&h=360]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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