The Motherlode!

What could possibly go wrong?
This is the kind of day that makes me weep for joy. The kind of moment in life when you realize that all your rantings and ravings about something have been finally, and irrevocably, been proven valid. Long have I proclaimed that Florida is where the gene pool goes to die. Yea and verily have I cried from the rooftops that the only sane people in that godforsaken state are tourists. But, no matter my well reasoned opinion, the state still seemed to find its defenders. I know them well. They send me emails in ALL CAPS that explain that …. well, let’s just quote one, shall we?

UR AN IDOT1

When faced with scathing criticism like that it’s all I can not to wither.

But, today, finally, I am pretty sure we can settle this matter once and for all.

Let’s start with the easy stuff first. A Florida teen, looking for a way to kill time between trips to the unemployment line, made a blow gun and shot people at random.

It’s a jungle out there!

Now we have to be alert for blow gun attacks.

Because the sad truth is Floridians never seen to run out of ways to hurt somebody.

Michael Brittain Brabham of Marathon was arrested for shooting a man in the side with a dart from a “blow gun” at a Circle K in Big Coppitt Key, according to a media release from the Monroe County Sheriff’s office.

According to the release:
The man was in the parking lot of the convenience store with his wife Wednesday when he felt a sharp sting on his right side.

It wasn’t a mosquito.

The man found a dart sticking in his shirt and saw a green vehicle pull quickly away.

He called the Sheriff’s Office who put a notice to be on the lookout for a green sedan with lots of stickers on the back window. The man was taken to a hospital because he was concerned about what the dart may have had on it.

A few hours later a vehicle matching the description was spotted on Big Pine Key and pulled it over. Several people were in the car.

A deputy also found a PVC pipe in the car.

Brabham was arrested and charged with aggravated battery after he admitted to shooting the victim with a dart using the PVC pipe.

The injured man was treated for minor injuries and released from the hospital.

I’m glad the guy is fine. Since he responded rationally and intelligently, we can assume he’s from out of state. But that kid’s far from the only motorized moron meandering the highways and byways of the Sunshine State. This guy ran over a little person carrying a sign. To do this he had to drive on the sidewalk where the little person was standing.

Driver accused of hitting sign-waver: ‘I thought I hit a stop sign’

A sign of the time: Being a human billboard is downright dangerous work.

You stand near busy roads waving a sign and hope folks who are passing within feet of you aren’t drunk or texting.

Etem Alajbegu, 27, is accused of driving a Porsche SUV onto the sidewalk and fatally striking sign-waver Stephen “Lugnut” Duzick, 49, reports the Naples Daily News.

Authorities say Alajbegu was drunk at the time. He told FHP troopers that he thought he had hit a stop sign, according to an arrest report.

Duzick, a little person, was holding a sign for Black Eyed Pig BBQ when he was killed.

Good of them to get a shout out for the restaurant, don’t you think? Now, I’m not sure, but isn’t calling a midget “Lugnut” kind of offensive? Maybe not. At least not in Florida.

Of course, not every Floridian has their own vehicle to wreck havoc with. That’s why some of them have to steal police cars.

It looks like David Tooth, 47, of Christmas Tree Lane in Panama City Beach will be having a blue holiday season.

That’s because Tooth apparently set some teeth on edge.

He’s accused of knocking down a Panama City Beach police officer before getting into his police cruiser and leaving the scene of an accident, reports the Panama City News-Herald.

The cops caught up with Tooth, who they say was drunk, after a couple of miles.

Guess age doesn’t bring wisdom: He’s getting a little long in the tooth for this sort of behavior.

I love the hairdo. It just screams sexy, don’t you think? I mean there are trailer parks swooning over this guy. I’m sure of it.

But, one thing’s for sure, Floridians have shown, time and time again, that they know the best way to deal with volatile situations. You take a baseball bat to them and beat them senseless.

It was closing time at a Four Corners bar when Carlos Javier Gonzalez, 24, accused James Moore, 38, of drinking his beer. Moore allegedly told Gonzalez “he didn’t like Puerto Ricans” and denied taking his beer, according to an arrest affidavit, reports the Orlando Sentinel.

Gonzalez, who was born in Puerto Rico, took umbrage at the remark and later attacked the couple with a baseball bat after they left the bar, leaving Moore in critical condition.

Witnesses told Lake County Sheriff’s deputies Gonzalez hit Moore on the head multiple times with the bat and yelled “This is what happens when you [expletive] with a Puerto Rican,” the report said.

Several of the commenters, on the page where the original article is posted, are demanding that Gonzales be deported back to Puerto Rico. In Floridian schools they don’t know about that whole “Commonwealth of the United States” thing and are unaware that the government could no more do that than they could deport someone to Kentucky.

Which is also a Commonwealth of the U.S.

Well, as Ron White likes to say, “You can’t fix stupid.”

But what does the average Floridian do when they don’t have a bat or someone to be mad at? Not a problem, they just beat up an ATM.

Fed up with bank fees?

Think ATMs are one-armed bandits?

So does Joel Gaudreaul.

The 29-year-old Vero Beach man had a tiff with a teller, an automated teller machine, that is.

So he demonstrated his frustration in a unique way — call it an ATM Smackdown.

According to his arrest affidavit, Gaudreault damaged the ATM’s face plate and broke the color screen “due to being charged (too) much by the machine in fees,” reports Will Greenlee in his Off the Beat blog for TCPalm.com in Stuart.

One of my step fathers was from Stuart. He was a jerk too.

But women in Florida have set the bar for stupid to a level so high (low?) that it may never be seen again. It turns out many of them fell for the old door to door breast exam scam.

Phillip Winikoff, 81, was accused of posing as a doctor and offering free door-to-door breast exams at a Lauderdale Lakes apartment in 2006, reports the South Florida Sun-Sentinel.

Investigators said two women allowed Winikoff into their apartments before they realized something was amiss after the exams started.

Winikoff even carried a little black doc bag. The first woman, 36 at the time, told detectives he started the exam by fondling her breasts, and she knew something was wrong when his hands wandered elsewhere, the Sun-Sentinel reported.

If tried and convicted, he could have faced more than 45 years in prison for the sexual battery charges and another 10 years for practicing medicine without a license.

It was not revealed whether Winikoff’s plea deal will keep him out of prison.

He sure looks like a medical professional, doesn’t he? Okay, seriously, ladies, is this something you’d fall for? Some random guy shows up at your door and offers to feel your boobs for free and you just say “Hokey dokey, let me just lose this bra.”

Really? Why do we men even bother paying for dates?

But, I have saved the best for last. Because, while one story like this is tragic eleven are freaking hysterical. I’ll just link the headlines so this doesn’t turn into the internet version of War and Peace.

Man shoots self after claiming gun was not loaded.

For the rest of us, you can check to see if a gun is loaded simply by checking the chamber.

Ouch! Teen playing with gun shoots his own testicles.

Thanks for getting out the gene pool buddy. Humanity appreciates it.

Man’s last words: ‘Go ahead and shoot me’

See? Wishes do come true.

Felon shot himself, got busted for possessing gun, cops say

I love it when they save the police ammunition.

Man accidentally shoots self at gun show

Nothing more needs to be said.

Man accidentally shoots himself while in line at Mickey D’s

Oh, I need another quarter? Hold on while I …. ooops.

High theatrics: Bang! Uh, that gun was loaded, not a stage prop

It’s a sad comment on their society that even their Thespians are morons.

Sign that you shouldn’t own a gun: You have one and accidentally shoot yourself

Yep, that’s a very good sign.

Man, 75, shoots himself instead of snake

HA HA HA HA HA …. etc.

Your shirt drawer probably isn’t the best place for your gun — especially since it’s loaded

Neither is your sock drawer.

So there you have it. Empirical proof that Florida is where the gene pool went to die.

Now, let’s dance in celebration.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXT52qGsfJM&w=500&h=317]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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