Bring On The Sexbots!

And they'll care about your feelings too.
We live on an odd world. As the Internet allows more and more cultures to clash – ahem, sorry – learn about each other it seems that more and more people are becoming more and more insular. You need groceries? There are several, web based, services that will bring them to you. You need your house cleaned? There are several, web based, services that will provide you with whatever you need. You need someone to do the horizontal mambo with you? There are services for that as well. For ladies who don’t want the entanglement of actually talking to a guy, there are services for that as well. No, I will not post links. You have Google just like everybody else, go use it.

How insular have things become? Well, the perfect woman has certainly been redefined to some men. While I no more cling to the hoary image of a Mrs. Cleaver than anyone else, it does seem that the ideal mate for many leaves much to be desired. Such as being in a room with you.

Other men, taking full advantage of the fact that web geeks love comic books and are permanently horny due to the fact that no woman will touch them, have combined those minuses into an online fetish club for fans of Superman and Captain America. Don’t worry, I didn’t link to any porn so you can view those links at work. But if you expect to see any guys in those traditional costumes you are about to be sorely disappointed.

But not everything is online. Weirdly Odd reports that great advances have been made in creating human form robots.

Computers like humans have generations. The micro-processor computers known as PCs are the 4th generation computers. But the 5th generation is of AI (artificial intelligence). This generation deals with training or you can say programming the computer in such a way that it can process data like a human. But these pictures are the pictures of robots, whose creators took it to another level. They not only tried to give them a brain but also made them look just like you and me.

And they have done a frighteningly good job of it too. Just click the above link to see all the pictures. The development of human form robots has even led to serious debate about how sexbots will effect the economy.

Anyway, if you tie all of the above together you come to only one logical conclusion; Our impending robot overlords want to use our DNA to create a sub species of bio-slaves.

What? You didn’t come to that conclusion?

You’re an idiot. Because it is the only conclusion that justifies Chinese sperm collecting robots.

No, I am not making this up.

Ever since last month’s China International Medical Equipment Fair in Shenzhen, China, a curious video (above) has been spreading across the blogosphere. The gadget in question is apparently an automatic sperm collector, an all-in-one machine into which men can donate sperm (hands-free). The video treats the entire subject in a rather ridiculous manner, raising two questions: How does this gadget actually work? And does anyone actually use them?

Today, there are in fact several companies selling automatic sperm collectors on the internet. Your average sperm-collecting gadget consists of a kiosk with a monitor that provides stimulating visuals (!), complimented by sounds (!!). A little lower is a “semen-collection sheath,” which purportedly simulates the feel and movement of a vagina.On top of visual stimuli, another company says that their gadget uses “infrared heating to simulate the temperature of female vagina [sic],” which consists of two inflatable tire-like structures. Once enveloping a penis, the sheath continues vibrating until the man, er… successfully donates his sperm.

The robotic sperm collector apparently has a “high success rate of 95%.” (I’ll leave it at that.) And it’s touted as ”safe” because the man actually deposits his donation into a condom-like pocket, which a sperm-bank worker can then collect. Using a condom will certainly decrease the likelihood of catching STDs, but still, you have to question whether sticking your member into a machine used by countless other men is really that sanitary.

But wait—there’s more! When you buy the automatic sperm-collecting machine, it also comes with a surprise bonus feature: a “premature ejaculation desensitization training function.” Men apparently undertake a training regimen in which the gadget repeatedly rubs various parts of the penis in order to decrease its nerve sensitivity. According to a company website, the ultimate goal of this training is to “improve ejaculatory threshold.”

Kevin Qiao, a representative of the Jiahua Electronic Instrument Co. in China—one of the companies that sells automatic semen collectors—told me via email that “we have sold more than 600 [units] in the last 3 years” to Chinese sperm banks, urological departments, and birth control centers. It’s apparently becoming “more and more popular in China’s sperm banks.” Something tells me that with the scares about China-made products in recent years, American men won’t be too keen to stick their manhood in anything that says “Made in China.” Plus, at $3,000 USD a pop, why fork over major cash for some fancy machine, when sperm donors are doing just fine with the ol’ magazine-and-cup?

What caught my attention is that it became clear, after actually seeing one of these machines, that Chinese men are not exactly well endowed. The machine’s maximum stroke length is 50mm. Just under 2 inches for those of you who slept through high school.

Of course that may explain why they were having trouble getting women in the first place.


Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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