Archives for October 2011

Every year people like you and I bemoan the ravages on the human intellect. It seems that screaming has become the new discourse and wild conjecture the new science. From people believing, without a shred of proof, that our president is a Kenyan native who practices Islam to the fun folks who use pocket calculators to predict the end of the world, we do seem to be surrounded by morons. But, you have to ask, is this a new thing? In many ways, no. There have been stupid people forever. But, and this is where things get tricky, when stupid people discovered they could get on TV and radio, either as hosts or guests, even if it meant humiliating their occasional loved ones, all bets were off. I once asked a young lady why she went on a tawdry show and she responded “They got me a nice room and a bottle of champagne and I got to ride in a limo.” Just in case anyone wants to know what the price of abject humiliation is.

But, I think it may even go deeper than that. I think it goes back to the time when morons were given access to cameras. Not satisfied to be drooling societal rejects left to their own devices, now they had a way to share. Not just their own stupidity, but their abject joy of being stupid parents somehow makes them feel better about themselves. Seriously, what kind of tool dresses their kid up as a toddling stripper or pot plant?

When faced with human dross such as this you tend not to be surprised when someone grows up, gets arrested for stealing a sandwich ….. and a forklift.

Really? This was his grand plan? Steal a forklift in public? Sheesh.

A pilfered Reuben sandwich and a stolen forklift have a Pittsburgh man in quite a pickle.

Ross Township police say 38-year-old Sean Faulkner ordered the sandwich from a bar, then ran out without paying and climbed on a forklift for his getaway.

Faulkner allegedly stole the forklift from a construction site on Sunday then drove it two miles to Sieb’s Pub. Bartender Karie Donatelli says Faulkner ordered the sandwich then bolted for the door after his food arrived.

Investigators say Faulkner was still in the parking lot when officers arrived. Police say he couldn’t get the forklift to go into reverse.

Faulkner is being held at Allegheny County Jail on charges of theft and receiving stolen property.

Can you imagine that 911 call? Yeah, neither can I. But I bet the cops demanded that it be confirmed before they left their local doughnut shop.

Of course, when you want the creme de la creme of brain crushing stupidity you have to go to Florida. All I can say is that I’m not making this up.

The battle for pizza supremacy has taken a wrong turn in Florida.

Two managers of a Domino’s Pizza restaurant in Lake City, in north-central Florida, have been charged with burning down a rival Papa John’s location.

The motive? Police say one of the men admitted that he believed with his competitor out of the way, more pizza lovers would flock to his restaurant.

The Papa John’s was gutted in the Oct. 20 fire.

Sean Everett Davidson, 23, and Bryan David Sullivan, 22 were arrested Thursday and Friday, respectively, and booked on an arson charge each and were being held in jail.

The Star-Banner of Ocala reports that police are still looking for an ignition device that the men claimed they made but did not use to start the fire.

Police said the suspects described a device made out of a clack, a nine-volt battery, a golf ball-size amount of black gunpowder and a plastic bag, the newspaper reported.

The suspects allegedly told police that they dismantled the device and threw the parts out of their vehicle along Interstate 75.

Police warned anyone finding an odd device along the highway not to touch it.

Oh, c’mon, this is a state where 1/3 of all famous last words are “Hey ya’ll, watch this!” Someone’s picking that sucker up.

However, in an effort to present some fair and balanced journalism here, it is not true that cops figured out who the culprits were because the pizza parlor burned in 30 minutes or less.

I could go on, but today’s your first day back from surviving the company Halloween parties. Not that we had any here at Nude Hippo with all the redecorating going on, but I am old enough and wise enough to feel your pain anyway.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jU6iP0WLsU8&w=480&h=360]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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It is interesting to note that there is a sub sult of humans who are not only fire eaters, they are nude fire eaters (no, not safe for work or church, etc.). I guess there’s so much more chance of big fun for the whole family if you can actually scorch your privates in public. Not my cup of tea, admittedly, but I’d buy a ticket. Then again, I have a lot of body hair, things could go drastically wrong in a heartbeat. But fire eaters and their ilk almost pale in comparison to people like Gary Olsen who rides a sperm-cycle to work. Actually, he rides it at work too since his job is to deliver human sperm to ….. people who buy human sperm I guess. I really didn’t know that sperm banks delivered and I know I don’t want to know how that works.

“Hi Ms. Smith, I’ve got a nice warm turkey baster and a fresh batch of blond genius sperm, so let’s get cracking!”

Of course, we live in a world populated by people who would be better off getting out of the gene pool. Folks like Kevin Gaylor who tried to pick up a chick online and was forced to report her as a burglar when his girlfriend came home early. Seriously Kevin, just get a nudie magazine and a jar of lube. The human race will thank you.

And don’t donate. Whatever you do, no matter how cute that bike looks, resist the temptation.

Of course, Indiana (the new Florida) has a different kind of problem. It seems a nice young man, wearing a perfectly matched pink bra and panty set, tried to rob the Kidscape Learning Center. Police know this because the camera placed directly below the sign that says “Under Video Surveillance” captured the whole thing.

Yeah, dude, get out of the pool.

Of course not all freaks are human. Police in Florida, of course, were forced to shoot a 16 foot python that had just eaten a full grown deer. It seems that mutant pythons, which are scouring the wild and getting nearer and nearer to humans, have become quite the problem down there.

Well of course they have. We’re talking about the fun loving state that is being overrun by mutant cockroaches that are threatening the entire eco system. Why wouldn’t they have horror movie quality reptiles to go along with them?

But, if you do want a freak show, of the traditional variety, there’s still room for you in the pool. James Taylor, the author not the singer, reports that, even though the creator died, the Legendary Freak Show in Pennsylvania will go on.

Legacy isn’t the first word that comes to most folks’ minds when they think of swordswallowers, fire breathers and people who eat broken glass. It came to mind for tattoo entrepreneur Franco Kossa, though, when he created the Sideshow Gathering 10 years ago as an off-shoot of his already-successful Inkin’ the Valley Tattoo Convention, both running simultaneously at the Woodlands Inn & Resort in Wilkes-Barre, PA. And at this year’s 10th anniversary festivities — with all the aforesaid swordswallowers, fire breathers and people who eat broken glass — Kossa won’t be alive to see it.

Tragically, Franco Kossa passed away in the spring of this year, just 45, but well over a decade ago, he had an idea to create for sideshow talent a convention they could call their own. On the verge of making his final decision — deep in the push & pull of what such an event would cost, how to spread the word, whether he should honor some old timer in the business — he called me, that is, the “me” who publishes James Taylor’s Shocked and Amazed! — On & Off the Midway, the only journal devoted to “weirdness as entertainment.” And Franco had called to ask a simple question: Should he? I told him the truth: You’re nuts; don’t do it. And true to the showman’s blood that was already pumping in Franco’s veins, he saw right through my father’s advice to what I’d really told him: Sure, go ahead, tilt at a windmill; tilted at a few hundred in my time, and it don’t get fun till they tilt back.

For the next decade, Kossa did just that, and made a stunning success of it, garnering international attention for the event from day one. Now, with his passing, a huge portion of the Gathering’s survival to its 10th anniversary is the work of Franco’s widow, Kim (who continues in Franco’s role as event chair), sideshow duo the Lucky Daredevil Thrillshow — Tyler Fyre and wife Thrill Kill Jill (who continue in their roles as stage managers and bookers for the event), and all the talent who volunteer their performance time. Kim’s history with Franco preceded the creation of the Gathering. As she put it, she may be continuing the Gathering “in his honor,” but, “In my mind,” she said, “I’m doing next year already.” Kim Kossa, of course, understands Franco’s creation as well as anyone: legacy, his own as well as that of the sideshow business. No lesser a showman than Buffalo Bill Cody invented showmen’s clubs over a century ago to give show folk a reason to gather and network (though the term was unknown in its modern sense so long ago), and though the business’ legacy might not have been uppermost in his mind, Cody’s creation laid the path for just that. Franco’s savvy, as showman Tyler Fyre put it, was to create “the showmen’s club for the modern generation of sideshow performers.” And for that, all the talent affected by it are in Franco’s debt, directly and indirectly.

The audience for the Sideshow Gathering is in his debt as well: They’ll pay a stunningly cheap $15 per person to see over 2 dozen acts over the course of the Nov. 4 – 6 weekend. As someone else put it to me, that low-down 3 day pass works out to $5 a day for hours & hours of live entertainment; as I’d put it, that’s around 60 cents a show, and at that price, it’s probably cheaper than television. And at the Gathering, you can hang out with the stars after the show. All of that’s a pretty sweet deal for so huge a hunk of sideshow, novelty and variety entertainment legacy. After all, as the old sideshow pitchmen would’ve put it to the crowds so long ago, it’s the show all your neighbors will be talking about, the show you’ll be telling your grandkids about, the show you’ll remember as long as you live.

I’ve been to two of these shows and have written about them a few times. They are the best bang for your buck on the planet and they are seriously good fun. From blockheads to sword swallowers they have them all. None are nude but don’t let that deter you. This may be the most fun you can have with clothed people.

If you can’t make it to Wilkes-Baare, you can still have some fun here in town by checking out Cirque de la Femme. They use power saws on steel bikini bottoms to help light your way.

Big fun. Seriously big fun!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irWbXeYQGwk&w=480&h=360]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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Given the economic horrors we’ve all been faced with Halloween almost seems anticlimactic. But, what the heck, I’ll give it the old school try. Let’s start with the Attack of the Giant Lego Man!!! Well, there’s not really much to report here. He didn’t attack anyone since he’s just a big statue built to look like he’s made of Legos and some fool left him on a beach in California. His motto of “No Real Than You Are” hasn’t really caught on since no one has a clue what it really means. Speaking of surreal, let’s catch up on the judge who used a penis pump in court while claiming it had no adverse effect on the court’s decorum. It turns out that other, non penis pumping, judges disagreed with him and now he’s lost his pension. No word yet on what’s going to happen with his unrelated DUI charges. Yeah, memo to self, DO NOT party with this guy. One guy I might want to party with is Prince Charles of England. He now claims, and seems to have the genealogy to back it up, that he is a direct descendant of Vlad the Impaler. Since the Tepes line is still considered part of the ruling class in Romania that could get interesting if Chucky decides to push the issue. He probably won’t though since he’s more interested in helping Transylvania preserve its glorious forests.

A vampire who cares?

Why not?

Anyway, Detroit commuters got a rude surprise when hundreds of pumpkins attacked their cars. Great Pumpkin my ….. well, the good news is that no one was injured or killed. The bad news is that hundreds of kids are going to have a pumpkin-less Halloween. Not to worry, I’m sure someone will host a TV marathon and get Elton John to sing “Pumpkin in the Patch” (his 300th reworking of a song that sucked the first time around).

Hmm, that song sucks, vampires suck … ELTON JOHN’S A VAMPIRE!!!!!

But, at least, he’s not insane. Bellingham, Washington police are reporting that a young man there was unclear what a guillotine was for and managed to sever his own arm off with one. The young man is in a nice room with lots of padding and soft music and his arm has been, hopefully, reattached.

But there are different kinds of crazy scary people. For example, cops in Zimbabwe report that they arrested a man after he was caught with a shape shifting prostitute.

A 28-year old Zimbabwe man arrested for allegedly having sex with a donkey tied to a tree has a simple explanation for his actions: the donkey was actually a prostitute who had, well, made an ass of herself.

According to New Zimbabwe, Sunday Moyo, a 28-year-old, told the court he paid $20 for a prostitute he met at a night club. Somewhere in the time between meeting her and when he was arrested, the prostitute transformed from a woman into a donkey.

“Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested,” he told the court, according to New Zimbabwe.

Moyo also said at his court appearance that he’s a donkey.

“I think I am also a donkey,” he said, reports AFP, quoting The Herald. “I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with (the) donkey.”

According to the Zimbabwe Guardian, Moyo was arrested in Zvishavane, a town of 35,000 people that’s about 230 miles south of Harare, the country’s capital.

Moyo was charged with bestiality and ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation, according to AFP.

There are places where having sex with an animal is a rite of passage. In a Vice documentary, Hani Miletski, a sex therapist and the author of Understanding Bestiality and Zoophilia, spoke about a community in northern Colombia where some people have relations with donkeys. “In that society, it is an ancient pre-Colombian belief [that] adolescent males will not reach competence in marriage unless they practice intercourse with donkeys,” she said in the VBS.TV video.

In the United States, bestiality is illegal in thirty states, according to the Animal Legal and Historical Center at Michigan State University College of Law.

Isn’t that good news kids? There are still states and commonwealths in the U.S. where you and your significant barnyard buddy can do the horizontal mambo in peace. Yeah, that was the scariest part of the story to me too. In case you’re making vacation plans, and your sheep isn’t driving, you might want to check out Alabama, American Samoa, Colorado, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Florida, Guam, Hawaii, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Montana, North Carolina, New Jersey, New Hampshire, New Mexico, Nevada, Ohio, Texas, Vermont, West Virginia and Wyoming.

Florida did make bestiality illegal recently but the law was so poorly written it also outlawed sex between consenting adults – no matter their gender. They’re bringing in someone with a 3rd grade education to help them fix the language.

In the meantime, in the completely bat (guano) crazy category we have a winner from Georgia who has serious anger issues and makes very bad food choices.

An unhappy Taco Bell customer firebombed a Georgia fast food joint after finding there wasn’t enough meat in his XL Chalupas, police say.

After ordering a meal from the drive-thru, a man believed to be the bomber called the Albany eatery and accused the restaurant of skimping on the meat, according to a police report obtained by the Smoking Gun.

The caller demanded that his order be corrected, but an employee explained that nothing could be done because the restaurant was about to close, the report said.

The caller then referred to the Taco Bell employee using a racial epithet and made what could be interpreted as a threatening statement, according to the police document.

“That’s alright, I’ll just come and redecorate the place,” the man allegedly stated.

Later that night, someone threw a Molotov cocktail that burned the area under the drive-thru, WALB reports.

Police recovered a melted plastic bottle from the scene of the crime, according to WALB.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that those cops have already asked for a copy of the phone records.

But if you want a real fright you’ll be pleased to know that there’s more than just corn in Indiana. There’s a house full of body parts as well.

With Halloween just around the corner, one Indiana family is starting to feel like they’re living in a haunted house after discovering bones, embalming tools and gruesome photos of the dead in their attic.

“I won’t stay by myself,” Patricia Booher told The Huffington Post. “I have an uneasy feeling. I don’t know what it is. I’ve tried to stay here but I can’t.”

Booher and her husband, Richard, recently moved into their home in Knightstown, a small town about 40 miles east of Indianapolis. On Monday, they were looking in the attic for a place to store their air conditioner when they made the first of a series of bizarre discoveries.

“There were boxes of stuff in there. We thought it was knickknacks or some old dishes someone had left,” Booher said. “When [Richard] started pulling the stuff out, we found a box of empty disinfectant bottles and a wooden crate full of bottles of embalming fluid. Then he pulled out a suitcase that was full of embalming equipment — hoses and stuff.”

The more the family looked through the boxes, the creepier their finds became.

“There were knives in a case that folded out, scalpels, scissors and things they work on people with,” Booher continued. “Then we found pictures of dead people — before and after pictures of them being worked on, a projector with similar films and a skeleton.”

The skeleton and the collection of morbid items concerned the family enough that they contacted the Knightstown Police Department. Officers took photos of the items and examined the bones.

“The skeleton was determined to be a model — like you would see on display in a doctor’s office or a school classroom,” Knightstown Police officer Anthony Lorton told The Huffington Post.

While police examined the other items, Booher and her family got curious and began digging around in their basement and backyard.

“My daughter, son and niece found a few bones in the basement. Then we found four more pieces: a hip joint, vertebra, index finger bone and a rib bone,” Booher said.

So far, the findings have been frightening — but they haven’t aroused suspicions of foul play, according to police.

“The bones found in the cellar have been ruled out as animal bones,” Lorton said. “We took the others to [the anthropology department at] Ball State University to be tested to see what they are. That will be done Friday.”

Booher said family members are continuing to dig in the backyard today.

“I’m not saying the person who put this stuff here was a bad man. I just want to know why it was left here. Why are there bones here? You have to honor the dead,” Booher said.

Whether the most recent bones are human is yet to be seen, but Lorton said he thinks he may have some explanation for the scary discoveries.

“The story we are getting is that there was a gentleman who was renting to own the property and up and left it, along with a lot of his stuff at the house,” he said. “So that is probably where all that stuff came from.”

The photos of dead people appear to be from the 1970s and 1980s, the officer said, and were likely taken by the person who performed their embalming.

“Look at them from the standpoint of an individual who is keeping a portfolio of his work,” Lorton said. “To the everyday person, they are going to be disturbing to look at, but for a person trying to get a job at a funeral home, they are examples of his work.”

Lorton added, “Is it creepy? Yes. Criminal? No.”

As for the skeleton, the officer said he may have his own plans for it if the Boohers do not want it back.

“I am half tempted to put a hat on it and have it running radar,” Lorton joked.

You know what? I want to party with Anthony Lorton. He has a good head on his shoulders ….. for now.

MU HU HA HA HA ……

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hV4SnQXhwWk&w=480&h=360]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

If you want to kill a bunch of your brain cells pick up a copy of Battlefield Earth and plow through it. One of the most blatantly racist books ever written it is almost incomprehensible in many other ways as well. For example, all the “good Chinese” people are Mandarins. You remember them, those fun loving, caste system enabling, psychotic bureaucrats? Gosh, they’d be my first choice too. Oh, and then there are those thrilling Germans. Somehow, according to the book, they managed to maintain a complete history of banking and a viable way to implement it even though …. wait for it …. there was no money for centuries. Let us not forget that the Scots were the only honest people on the planet. Well, until they got to the Russians who were honest but tended toward heavy drink. People from Mexico, those worth knowing anyway, are gauchos. Naturally the residents of Africa are “mud people.” No, I really see no need to comment further on that.

The good guy in the book has blond hair and blue eyes. The bad guy has brown hair and a limp. In case that’s too subtle for you the bad guy is named “Brown Limper” and idolizes Adolph Hitler. Oh, still too subtle for you? Okay, the “hero” is named Johnny “Good Boy” Tyler. If you haven’t caught on yet you’re probably reading the wrong blog.

Anyway, the author of that wreck, L. Ron Hubbard, is also the founder of a religion, Scientology. I use the term “religion” humorously. To join you have to pass a 200 question personality test that is so poorly written you would laugh at it if it appeared in a magazine.

Actual questions.

Do you have spells of being sad and depressed for no apparent reason?
Do you do much grumbling about conditions you have to face in life?

Believe it or not there are “correct answers” for those stunning insights into your day.

So, clearly, people – I guess we still have to call them that – who become Scientologists aren’t ever going to be Mensa members. Most should probably not be allowed to drive. Or marry. Or breed. Or ….

Never mind.

Nevertheless, they are very good at protecting their interests. Not explaining them since once you get to the “dead aliens inhabit my brain” part of their beliefs people (the real ones like you and me) are usually on the floor howling in laughter. So it comes as no surprise that when the creators of South Park made fun of them they would respond in a mature, rational and intelligent way.

Oh, you know I’m kidding. They spent tons of money going through the trash of Matt Stone and Trey Parker to …. well, to do something.

For Matt Stone and Trey Parker, nothing is holy or immune to satire. And since the launch of their groundbreaking animated TV series “South Park,” they’ve skewered a multitude of world religions, pointing out hypocrisies, inanities or just playing with ridiculous stereotypes. One of their most famous religious satires, 2005’s Scientology-targeting “Trapped In The Closet” episode, allegedly struck such a nerve with the church’s leaders that the group responded by targeting Stone, Parker and their friends in a long-term covert investigation.

Marty Rathbun, a former Church of Scientology executive-turned-critic and independent worshipper, revealed to the Village Voice a number of documents that detailed the religious sect’s detailed surveillance of the Emmy-winning TV moguls. Through the help of informants, public records and various other means, they searched for “vulnerabilities” in the pair’s personal lives, and after exploring their personal and business connections, widened their focus to investigating actors such as John Stamos, as well.

“Phone records. Bank records. Personal letters that expose some kind of vulnerability,” Rathbun told the Voice. “They’ll read stuff into the kind of alcohol you’re drinking and how much. Prescriptions. They’ll figure out your diet. They can find out a lot about you through your trash.”

Rathbun’s personal site leads with a post that includes more information, including this summary: “In ’06 the creators of South Park, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, became targets of Corporate Scientology’s OSA. Operations were run in an attempt to silence Parker and Stone. While Corporate Scientology was ultimately unsuccessful, left behind an instructive data trail during their efforts.”

“Trapped in the Closet” featured a storyline that had Stan, one of the four children that make up the show’s core, take a “personality test” after being encountered on the street by a group of Scientologists. The vague test reveals that he is miserable, which leads him to agree to pay the church to make him happy again. An “E-meter” reading reveals that he is housing the soul of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, and various Hollywood celebrities who are members of the church flock to his home to help convince him to become their new leader.

One of those celebrities included Tom Cruise, who locks himself in a closet, which was a clear allusion to various rumors about his sexuality. John Travolta, another member of the church, soon joined him in the closet. Stan’s friends tell him that the religion is actually a cult, pointing out that Hubbard was a science fiction writer, though he at first refuses to believe it. Eventually, the Scientology elders reveal that the church is a for-profit con, calling their own religion “crap.”

Cruise was so incensed by the episode that he allegedly threatened to not participate in promotion for “Mission: Impossible III” junket if a re-run of the episode was aired; Viacom owns both Comedy Central and Paramount, the studio that put out the film. Cruise’s reps denied this, though the episode was indeed pulled. Stone and Parker, for their part, put out a satirical statement on the matter:

“So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!”

“Trey Parker and Matt Stone, servants of the dark lord Xenu.“

Rathbun teased more documents, which reveal major advances in their investigations, would come soon. He was arrested in September, allegedly at the behest of the Church of Scientology, though charges were later dropped; the Voice reported then that the Church of Scientology was harassing him, in part because he practices the faith outside of the official Church.

“South Park” satirizes religion in just about every episode. The show has cast Satan as the cowardly lover of Saddam Hussein, while Kyle, another of the four core children, comes from a very stereotypical Jewish family. Parker and Stone also created the Broadway show, “Book of Mormon,” which pokes fun at that religion.

John Stamos? Yeah, there’s a threat to all that’s good and holy.

Next they’ll be suing Virgin Mobile for their holiday commercials.

Until the Thetans come to get me here’s a musical history of Scientology’s beliefs.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tT1UjCQTL0I&w=480&h=360]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

First off, let me introduce you to America’s newest scam. It’s fun, it’s easy and it will cause you to file bankruptcy. Here you go. You innocently go online to check out those “online colleges” you’ve heard so much about. You innocently enter your cell number to get more info. Then the calls start. I got over 60 in one week. Here’s the scam. As long as you’ve never had a student loan, or have paid your previous one off, they will sign you up, get you the loan (at insane interest) and then you’ll discover that, even if you actually get a degree, many states won’t recognize it. Now, you have a worthless education, you’re on the hook for more money than a standard education would cost and you’re unemployable. There’s a great conversation going online about how the various scams work when it comes to an online degree. I’ll keep it simple; if the program is part of an accredited college (i.e., Northwestern) then have at it. If not, run away from it. Oh, and just FYI, there is no such thing as an easy payment plan for student loans. They pay back just like regular loans. Anyway, after getting the nice people at Verizon to help me block a series of numbers, my life is back to normal. That’ll teach me to want to better myself.

Ah, who am I kidding, no it won’t. I’ll just continue to be careful about it.

So, let’s start with something funny just so we can all relax. A bear walked into a pizza parlor and stole a beef and blue cheese pie. Since the bear weighed around 600lbs, the staff let him. He left without paying his bill and authorities were called. I can’t wait to see if they can collect.

Now, back to the topic at hand. The reason people get conned is, for the most part, they’re either greedy or stupid. In many cases both. Reuters is reporting that one in five British women believe that men who lie on the couch and watch sports are suffering from the “man flu.” More importantly, they think there’s a medical cure.

One in five British women believe that the debilitating “man-flu” disease which temporarily leaves sufferers prostrate on the sofa watching televised sports is real, according to a new study.

The survey, which questioned 2,000 British adults about health and wellbeing, showed that misconceptions and old wives’ tales, including the myth that eating carrots improves night vision, prevail among the population when it comes to beliefs about common illnesses.

“Unbelievably, there are still a lot of misconceptions around how minor illnesses and conditions are caused or prevented,” study leader Mike Smith, said in a statement.

The top 10 health myths ranged from the theory that eating carrots will aid night vision to the belief that too much stress will turn your hair grey, both subscribed to by one in 10 of the population.

More than a third of people said that sugar makes children hyper, and 37 percent said they believed we lose most of our body heat through our heads — the most popular misconception of the survey.

While the face, head and chest are more sensitive to temperature change than the rest of the body, covering one part of the body has as much effect as covering any other, researchers said.

“The Contagion study suggests that a large majority of the population are still under the illusion that they can, for example, get square eyes from watching too much television, or get better night vision from eating more carrots,” Smith said.

“These are just not true, but do go to show that no matter how many millions are spent on health and education, some medical myths still prevail,” he said.

When illness strikes, almost half of people agreed that men exaggerate their symptoms to get attention, with 38 percent also believing that men take longer to recover from illness than women.

Over half of respondents admitted to self-diagnosis, using the internet to research their symptoms.

“Old wives’ tales are just that — tales that should not be listened to or abided by. If the public are in any real doubt as to how to treat a condition, they should always refer to their GP (family doctor) or professional medical adviser,” Smith said.

The study was specially commissioned to mark the release of Hollywood thriller “Contagion” starring Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow and Jude Law.

Before you go nuts, there’s a reason that the whole carrots improve eyesight was actually taught in schools and so on. It was invented in the 1940’s by the British Air Force to explain why their pilots were so good at bombing at night. They didn’t want the Nazi’s to know they’d invented a new kind of bomb sight that gave their pilots tremendous advantages. And, they accomplished all this without alien technology.

I bet there are some of you who don’t believe that last sentence.

Oh well.

Anyway, in Northampton Massachusetts, lesbian capitol of America and home of Smith College, a professor conned an entire campus into thinking the campus was going all veggie and locavore.

A prank at a Massachusetts college convinced many students the campus was going vegetarian and locavore — serving only local food and beverages.

Smith College Professors Jay Garfield and Jim Henle said they masterminded the prank as part of their introductory class in logic. They instructed their 100 students to convince the campus the administration was planning to ban meat and all foods from outside of New England from being served at the school, The Boston Globe reported Tuesday.

The faux news sparked protests and counter-protests last week with chalk slogans opposing the move appearing on sidewalks across the college. About one-third of the students in the class at the all-female school said they believed they had been successful in fooling the campus.

The prank culminated Monday with President Carol Christ showing up at Garfield and Henle’s class to inform them they were being fired for revealing the school’s “secret” plan to go vegetarian and locavore. She accused them of owning a share in a local farm set to profit from the plan.

However, the class discovered the announcement was all part of the hoax when Christ was interrupted by the school’s provost, who explained the instructors could not be fired because they have tenure.

Garfield and Henle said they are thinking of ways to top the prank next year.

Now, before I get angry letters from women in the Northeast, allow me to explain my earlier comments. The town has a sign promoting itself as Lesbianville, USA. There, I really don’t think I need any more. It also used to house the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Museum, but that seems to have disappeared.

BTW, the fact that it was two men who came up with this prank shall remain unremarked.

So, kids, consider these simple truths. If it sounds to good to be true, it is. If it makes no freaking sense whatsoever, it probably doesn’t work and, last but not least, there is not one single person in Nigeria who really wants to make you rich.

Or, use my grandfather’s test of veracity; “Would you believe it if you heard it in a bar?”

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HBxUWSxcq8&w=480&h=360]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!