Clueless in the News

There are times when it’s fun to do this job. The kind of day when you wake up and stare happily at the morning’s results. I use a simple, customized, robot to search the World Wide Web, a/k/a the Internet a/k/a The Interweb a/k/a that Dying Fad, to see what is happening where on our humble planet. Today is one of those days. I happily perused various options. Some, while funny at first blush, tended to be VERY depressing when you read them. Like the nice lady who went to upgrade her breast implants and ended up with a Uniboob. You want to laugh but you also realize the many layers of hell she is going through. You certainly would not wish a similar fate on a loved one. Or an enemy.

But there are others that are just too good to pass up. For example, police in Attelboro, Massachusetts, are reporting that they arrested a man who washed his car in the nude.

At a public car wash.

A man who scrubbed his pickup truck in the nude at a Massachusetts car wash has been sentenced to a year of probation.

Robert E. Bailey, of Cumberland, R.I., pleaded guilty on Monday to open and gross conduct for being naked at Economy Car Wash in North Attleborough on May 31.

Police say Bailey was wearing shorts by the time they arrived at the scene and denied doing anything wrong.

A judge also ordered Bailey to stay away from the car wash and the witness and to continue counseling. He will also be required to register as a sex offender.

So, let’s see if we have this all straight. This genetic reject drove several hundred miles from his home in Rhode Island so that he could show up in a strange car wash and let his winky fly in the breeze? This is his idea of a good time? Remind me to NEVER party with that guy.

Okay, so he’s clueless in his own way, we can all admit that. Others are clueless in ways that defy description. For example, a nice ice cream shop in Florida unveiled its new mascot. An ice cream cone that just happens to look like a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

The family that runs an Ocala ice cream shop said it never meant to offend anyone.

The Ice Cream Family Corner and Sandwiches restaurant opened just three months ago at the busy intersection of South Pine Avenue and Southwest 17th Street.

A worker came across an old ice cream costume in a back closet of the building, and decided to have one of the employees wear the costume and stand on the street corner to advertise the business.

Server Jasmine Gonzalez said they noticed business had dropped off severely two weeks later.

Gonzalez said they soon learned rumors were flying around town, specifically on Facebook, that the ice cream cone costume resembled that of a Klu Klux Klan member.

The family that runs the ice cream shop is from Puerto Rico, and said it didn’t even know what the Klu Klux Klan was until the controversy erupted.

The workers are no longer using the costume, and they said they want the community to know it was never intended to represent anything but an ice cream cone.

The controversy attracted plenty of media attention. During the lunch hour Tuesday, there were more reporters and cameras in the shop than there were customers.

See kids? This is why you pay attention in history class, so you don’t go out and commit acts of mind boggling stupidity. It will also stop you from opening a ham sandwich stand in Israel, so there are lots of practical benefits to school.

But sometimes clueless people can be fun. Or at least easily tied to your floor. Police in Brevard County, Florida report that a young lady tried to rob a convenience story with a toy gun to hilarious results.

A toy gun certainly calls for a game of cops and robbers, so when an a would-be robber with a plastic pistol came into a Florida convenience store, one clerk decided to play “let’s pretend” — and fooled the masked man into thinking he was a police officer.

Wilnelia Caraballo, 19, walked into a Palm Bay Kangeroo Express around 5:51 a.m. Sunday morning, intoxicated, masked, and holding a plastic “Uzi-type gun,” the Orlando Centinel reports, quoting police.

Store employees allegedly watched Carballo walk up to the check-out counter, which was unattended for the moment.

As Caraballo made her way around the counter, one of the store clerks — who is either fearless or knows a plastic gun when he sees one — yelled “Palm Bay Police. Get on the ground!”

Thinking that her plot had been foiled, Caraballo complied — at least for a moment. Reports indicated that the woman did make one attempt to escape, but store employees subdued her until authorities arrived.

Authorities later confirmed that Caraballo’s weapon of choice was, in fact, a toy.

Police took Caraballo to Brevard County Jail and charged her with attempted armed robbery.

My buddy, who’s a heartless cynic, figures the employees must be from out of town since no Floridians are smart enough to do something like that. Since I had some free time I blew a call down to the Palm Bay cops, explained my buddy’s premise and got hung up on.

I’ll take that to mean he’s right.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BR4yQFZK9YM&w=480&h=360]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!