Dress Up And Have Fun!

I like to wear leather costumes and kill people. What's wrong with that?
I like to wear leather costumes and kill people. What's wrong with that?
I’m a guy. Like most guys I spent my formative years, 11-100, masturbating to images of women dressed in spandex and leather. It’s what guys do. Yet, oddly enough,except for Austin Grossman, most of us don’t imagine being super villains. What’s the point? No matter what you do you end up in prison or dead. Depending on how dark the author is. But there are people who are taking wearing a costume to new, and incredibly uncomfortable, levels. They are trying, to the best of their pathetic abilities, to make comic books real. They want Lex Luthor and Double Doctor X to reflect the world they live in. They also want bunnies to speak Latin and old people to be ninjas.

These people are what we, in the World News Center, call morons.

We mean that in the kindest way.

So lets take a look at our favorite spandex crusaders who make us wonder why procreation is such a popular activity.

MDeeDubrof reports on Winnie The Pooh terrorizing perfect strangers.

What is Winnie the Pooh up to these days? According to Japanese police, it appears that our favorite winsome little bear is committing assault and armed robbery.

Unlike most fairy tales, this one does not have a happy ending.

Tokyo police have arrested Masayuki Ishikawa, a 20 year-old man who attacked and robbed two people because they had the nerve to stare at his Winnie-the-Pooh costume.

At the time of his arrest, he was in the company of two costumed friends; one a panther and the other a mouse.

Apparently the threesome had donned the costumes because they ran out of clean clothes, (which is, in all probability, worthy of another news story all by itself).

Once upon a time, Ishikawa told the police, he was standing on a street corner minding his own truculent business while wearing the cuddly costume when two passersby had the nerve to stare at him and he took offense. (A grown man in such an outfit is worthy of at least one sideward glance, n’est ce pas?)

Police told reporters that “It’s uncommon to see people dressed up like this, so the victims were watching them. Then the perpetrator came up and said, ‘What are you staring at?’”

In true Winnie-the Unpooh-like fashion, Ishikawa and his two cohorts beat up the two unfortunates and stole 160 dollars from them.

All’s well that did not end well, and Winnie has now become for all time, Winnie-The-Perp!

Here’s to once upon another, better time and a rehabilitated Winnie!

Mr. Milne, creator of Mr. Pooh, used to whack off to pictures of Dazzler but the idea’s the same.

However, Mr. Pooh is not the worst offender. As it turns out the The Cookie Monster is a child molester.

A registered sex offender was employed as a costumed character at a fair in Mississippi, and readily posed in photographs with children, before greeting a police officer and subsequently being arrested, as reported by the Quad-City Times.

The man, J.L.R., 25, of Perry Street in Davenport, was arrested on an aggravated misdemeanor charge and remanded to Scott County Jail on August 8, 2011 – the same day he attended the Mississippi Valley Fair in costume.

J.L.R., dressed from head-to-toe as the furry Cookie Monster from the well-known Sesame Street children’s program, was handing children fliers in his job for Q.C. Characters. Besides the fliers, J.L.R. also offered children the opportunity of posing in photographs with him – and was seen by law enforcement doing just that.

At approximately 4:45 in the afternoon, J.L.R. then approached at police officer and simply said “hello” to him.

The officer, R.A., a member of the Scott County Sex Offender Task Force, was shocked to recognize what he thought was J.L.R.’s voice. In wanting to confirm his suspicions officer R.A. asked the “Cookie Monster” who he was.

J.L.R. removed the costume’s head piece and identified himself to the officer.

Scott County Sheriff’s Detective S.B. was then called to the fair – as he is in charge of keeping track of the county’s sex offenders.

J.L.R., still wearing the body of the costume, was questioned by Detective S.B. in the fair’s office.

Fair director B.F. said, “There he was, dressed like Cookie Monster, sounds weird.”

J.L.R. was arrested after the interview and taken in to the Scott County Jail.

Due to his past record and conviction, J.L.R. can only attend a fair but is not allowed to work, or volunteer himself, in any way at a fair. Detective S.B. said, “He’s not allowed to sell corn dogs, let alone be in a Cookie Monster outfit.”

Per records, J.L.R. was convicted for lascivious acts with a 7 year-old girl in 2005.

A maximum two-year prison sentence can be handed down if J.L.R. is found guilty on a charge of sex offender prohibition of certain employment.

Any company that does business at the carnival – working the rides, renting or buying a booth – must submit a list of their employees. These lists are then given to fair management, and police, to perform background checks.

Detective S.B. said, “There’s a lot of security, especially to ensure there are no sex offenders.”

S.B. added that B.F. is known to hire several off-duty police officers just so that security is well-covered during the 6-day fair.

Q.C. Characters did not submit a list of their employees but, in their defense, B.F. said, “The company hired him to stand there and wave. He was stupid enough to introduce himself to an officer.”

Detective S.B. added “I don’t know what motivated him to do that.”

Yeah, that’ll screw with your regular Sesame Street afternoons. Hopefully parents are paying more attention than that.

But what if you’re in England and need a superhero to save you from masturbating Muppets? According to UPI your virginity is safe.

A British gardener said he has taken to patrolling the streets of his city in the guise of the Knight Warrior, a super hero dedicated to protecting the public.

Roger Hayhurst, 19, of Salford, England, said his mother helped him buy a blue-and-black lycra costume from the United States for about $330 and he dons the suit at nightfall to patrol the streets for fights and anti-social behavior, The Daily Telegraph reported Friday.

“When people see me coming up it does tend to stun them into silence. I just carry on trying to get them to calm down, and eventually most of them do,” he said. “If I think things are getting a bit hairy, I just back off and phone the police. They know what I am doing and have been very kind to me.”

Hayhurst said he was inspired by other costumed crime fighters he learned about on the Internet.

“All I want to do is try and get people to like each other. I just want to do good in the world, that’s all,” he said.

The Knight Warrior’s mom, Jennifer, said she was “slightly worried” when her son first began his quest, but she is determined to support him.

“His absolute genuineness is his best defense. He is one of the kindest young men I know,” she said.

Kindest? Okay, I’m assuming that’e the new word for stupid.

BTW, Elliott Harris has been buying me drinks while I write this, so I’m going to go home and look at spandex.

Then I’m going to make a mess.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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