Not Every Moron is From Florida

Yeah, that sums it up nicely.
Yeah, that sums it up nicely.
You, as an astute reader of this blog and rabid follower of its subsequent podcasts, know that Florida is where the human genome goes to die. It’s become the standing joke in this country and even funnier than the whole Texas secession plan. At some point it feels as though we’re piling on but there are some truths that we hold to be self evident and the fact that Florida is populated by very stupid people is one of them. For example, the nice man who blames the prison system for causing him to commit bigamy. Basically he claims he was too drugged for his many problems to remember he had a wife. No word on if his wife remembered that she had a husband. In fact, there’s no comment from the first wife at all since she’s invisible. Or, at least, hiding from this strange situation. One of our earlier heroes who mooned people for reasons that have never been disclosed bow has been arrested for flashing her breasts at people for reasons that defy description. Believe it or not, they did not let her shop in the local grocery with her boobs flopping in the breeze. I know, you’re as shocked as I am.

On the plus side, it turns out that Florida cops spend a lot of time on Facebook, and I’m talking epic amounts, to find a 17 year old boy who was going to bomb his school. On the plus side, nobody died.

Of course no article about Florida would be complete without a minister accused of sexual abuse being set free and given his job back.The problem is that the kids didn’t press charges in time. Because, as readers of this blog know so well, 8 year olds are so well versed in the legal system and happy to talk about being abused.

It may seem like piling on to mention to note that a convicted child molester was given access to a beach full of children and bad things happened.

Well, c’mon, who could’ve predicted that?

But, as the title for today’s blog implies, not all morons are from Florida.

In Virginia a nice group of people robbed a convenience store of lottery tickets, with the numbers registered, adn then tried to cash them in when they won.

No, I am not making this up. They were really that stupid.

A Virginia man and his alleged getaway driver were arrested Tuesday night after police say they participated in two armed robberies.

According to police, at 9:30 p.m. Thursday, 24-year-old Darien Pittman of Windsor robbed the J.B. Foodmart on Walters Highway in Carrsville. Pittman allegedly left the store with cash.

A few hours later, at 2 a.m. Friday, police say Pittman also robbed a 7-Eleven in Wakefield. The suspect got away with money, cigarettes and lottery tickets.

Diamond Tynes, 19, of Smithfield is accused of being the driver of the car used to flee the scene of both crimes.

“According to her, he didn’t tell her what he was doing,” Isle of Wight County Sheriff’s Deputy Detective J.P. Hopko told The Tidewater News. “But she saw him with a mask, gun and the lottery tickets.”

A sheriff’s office spokesperson said Pittman then tried to cash some of the lottery tickets in at a store in Windsor.
It’s not known how much the prizes were worth.

But, I would be a bad blogger if I didn’t finish this festival of feeble-mindedness with this gem from Florida. Did you know that babysitters shouldn’t toss your little darlings into the back of a pick up truck and go cruising?

A Volusia County baby sitter has been charged with child neglect after being accused of allowing an infant to ride in a baby stroller in the bed of a pickup truck.

Several people called 911 after seeing the baby in the rear of the truck.

Investigators with the Daytona Beach Police Department said Keyona Davis, 23, was baby-sitting for a friend and put the baby in the stroller in the bed of the pickup truck with her while someone else drove them.

Davis faced a judge Thursday and didn’t seem to understand that what she did was wrong. Terrance McClain, 8 months, was inside the stroller late Wednesday afternoon.

Stunned motorists called 911.

911 operator: What is the emergency?
Caller: There’s a truck going down Mason Avenue heading east with a baby stroller in the back of the truck with a baby in it.

911 operator: Where’s your emergency?
Caller: There’s a baby back in a pickup truck while it’s driving on Nova Road southbound.

One motorist stayed with the pickup as it headed south on Nova Road for several miles, finally turning onto Orange Avenue, where police picked the truck up.

“I got my first child when I was 16,” Davis said during a court appearance.

Davis explained to the court she has been baby-sitting without incident since she was a teenager and didn’t realize police would consider this endangering a child.

“It’s not like they give you a handbook or anything on how — what’s neglect and what’s not neglect,” Davis said.

The public defender argued that a charge of felony neglect was too harsh, saying the baby wasn’t harmed, but the prosecution and judge saw the incident as very disturbing.

The charge stood, but Davis was released on her own recognizance and ordered to stay away from the child involved in the incident.

Actually Skippy, there is a handbook and it’s printed in English.

So there you have it. The majority of morons live in Florida, but not all of them. As my grandpappy used to say, there is one person out of four who’s a moron. If you’re sitting at at table with three other people and can’t find it, leave. You’re it.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

Related posts