It’s Getting Weird Out There

Now can you find my contacts?
Now can you find my contacts?
Man there is a whole boatload of dumb out there today. I’m talking about the levels of seriously stupid that get normally rational people to reconsider the concept of eugenics. How stupid, you ask? Well, let’s start with today’s winner from Park Forest Illinois. He robbed his longtime friends at gun point and was stunned, STUNNED I TELL YOU, that they were able to easily identify him and have him arrested.

Or how about the wanker who went to a public lake, the kind with lots of families and normal people, and decided to fish naked? Is that dumb enough for you? I do love this quote, “He was sitting with his legs wide open, fishing pole in hand, enjoying his day. It wasn’t a pretty sight.”

Can you hear the cop? “No, sorry sir, that’s not acceptable bait.”

The thing that kills me is that there are thousands of places to fish naked all over America. There are even websites dedicated to them. Yes, you’ll see half nekkid women if you click that link. You’ll also see the nice fish they caught.

Bass is good eating.

While not on the same level of brain death, I am curious what Governor Quinn was thinking when he named August 19th Martin Sheen & Emlio Estevez Day. I mean, c’mon, couldn’t they honor some people who … I don’t know … actually lived or were born here? He’s from Ohio for crying out loud. People wonder why we keep getting flown over by the people who could spend a few mil here on their projects and I point them to stuff like this. Even the people who are from here don’t stay here. Why bother when they’re about as likely to get recognized for their work here as I am to be a centerfold in Playboy.

In the flat out weird category, an nice, 94 year old, Ohio lady missed church Sunday and may take up serious vodka drinking. I can certainly understand. How often is it that God drops a Hanger 1 Vodka Blimp on your house? Not all that often. I checked.

But the story that has me completely baffled is the story of the renegade cow that is causing a political, rhymes with split, storm in Germany. Now you have to read this all the way through to truly grasp the many levels of idiocy on display.

In fact, I think the cow’s the only sane one.

A runaway cow has captivated the attention of the media, police authorities, hunters, animal rights activists and even the Hindu community.

All eyes are on Yvonne, the six-year-old fugitive cow.

The mayhem began in May when Yvonne escaped from a farm in Muehldorf, Germany, where she was being prepared for slaughter, reports Der Spiegel.

Making a new life for herself, the cow settled into the woods, grazing the Bavarian countryside, until she jumped in front of German police cars. Authorities deemed her a traffic threat and permitted hunters to shoot her, which outraged animal rights activists, reports the Guardian.

Spurring a conflict between animal rights activists and hunters, an Austrian animal protection group jumped into the mix. Conflicting reports suggest that the group either has offered, or has already bought the cow from her original farm for 700 euros, according to The Local.

Animal rights activists have done everything they can to save her. Unsuccessful attempts include sending her best friend and her own family members into the wild. But, according to Reuters, “Yvonne only took a look at them from a distance before running away again.”

Animal activists recently even brought in a bull named Ernst to try to romance the clever animal. But, according to the Mirror, they soon discovered that the bull had been castrated, and the idea was a flop.

The Guardian reports another one of their endeavors entailed consulting an animal psychic:

Franziska Matti, an animal communication expert from Berne in Switzerland, said she had managed to contact Yvonne using telepathy. “I spoke to her yesterday and she said that she was fine but didn’t feel ready to come out of hiding,” said Matti. “She said she knew that Ernst had been waiting for her but that she was scared. She said she thought that humans would lock her up and she would no longer be free.”

The Hindu community recently issued a statement calling for German authorities to withdraw permission for hunters to shoot her, saying the decision was ill advised, according to ANI.

After grabbing headlines, MSNBC reported that a German newspaper created a Facebook page and offered a reward of over $14,000 to anyone who can capture Yvonne.

Earlier this month, a bull broke free from a slaughterhouse in New York, but was later captured. In 2006, the “Unsinkable Molly B” made headlines as a cow who leapt a slaughterhouse gate and escaped death.

In 2008, the Humane Society uncovered animal cruelty at a major beef supplier’s California slaughter plant:

In the video, workers are seen kicking cows, ramming them with the blades of a forklift, jabbing them in the eyes, applying painful electrical shocks and even torturing them with a hose and water in attempts to force sick or injured animals to walk to slaughter.

According to the Union of Concerned Scientists, over two percent of total heat-trapping emissions in the United States are due to beef production alone. Slaughtering cows produces emissions equivalent to what is emitted by 24 million cars, or 33 coal-fired power plants in a year.

The second, hell, the nanosecond someone calls an animal psychic, it’s over. The tin foil hats have won.

Really Skippy, the cow doesn’t want to come home? Was it aware that it’s slated to be prime rib? Could that be the reason? What’s really scary is that this isn’t the first, or even the fifth, example of bizarre cow news that’s made its way here.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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