Come Fly With Me!

Quit whining. Your parents saved $20.
Quit whining. Your parents saved $20.
When I was 12 I was on a Delta flight from Chicago to Fort Worth Florida. Because people were seriously concerned about their children back then I was dumped off in front of O’Hare with $2 to tip the nice sky-cap, which I kept because I wanted a comic book, and left to find my way. I got on the flight and was seated next to a nice lady named Bonnie who proceeded to bitch about how she hated to drink alone so she bought me several rounds of Shirley Temples that just happened to be infused with vodka. By the time I got to Fort Worth to meet my mother I was hammered. It was a beautiful moment. Back then that was considered humorous, not actionable. Much to the surprise of many, I survived this atrocity. I also thought I loved Bonnie for a bit but then I sobered up and had a fierce headache. By ‘headache’ I mean the kind of throb usually reserved for being hit in the face with a baseball bat.

Life goes on.

As it turns out I had a socially acceptable moment. Joy Jernigan tells about that some people aren’t thrilled when people pee on their children.

An Olympic hopeful accused of urinating on a fellow passenger during a cross-country flight has been kicked off the U.S. Ski Team’s development squad.

Robert “Sandy” Vietze, 18, was aboard JetBlue Flight 166 from Portland, Ore., to New York’s John F. Kennedy airport on Tuesday when he stumbled down the aisle to use the toilet. However, he didn’t quite make it all the way to the lavatory and instead emptied his bladder on a sleeping 11-year-old girl, the New York Post reports.

“I was drunk, and I did not realize I was pissing on her leg,” Vietze, who told authorities that he had consumed eight drinks, was quoted as saying in the Post.

“Based on the information we have, Sandy Vietze is in violation of the USSA code of conduct and team agreement, and has been dismissed from the team,” U.S. Ski and Snowboard Association executive vice president of athletics Luke Bodensteiner told msnbc.com in a statement.

I know you’re shocked. Peeing on strangers’ children is frowned upon.

Okay, hopefully your not shocked.

But what if you’re on a flight and you want to learn something useful? Qantas is helping passengers learn about the joys of female orgasms.

When cruising along at 35,000 feet, you have a number of difficult decisions to make: Ginger ale or soda? Bagged pretzels or $7 boxed meal? “Toy Story 3” for the eighth time or monitoring radio transmissions from the pilot?

Now, international passengers on Qantas Airlines have an interesting new option. As part of its in-flight entertainment, the carrier is offering “The Female Orgasm Explained,” a mature-themed documentary, reports Australian website news.com.

The film is the most popular feature on The Edge, Qantas’ television channel, and comes with a mature rating, airline spokesperson Luke Enright told news.com.

“The Female Orgasm Explained” will be offered on Qantas flights through November.

Members of Qantas’ flight crew can block the program from unaccompanied minors, Enright said, though news.com notes that parents wouldn’t know of the program without reading in-flight options first.

So what is and what isn’t allowed on planes? Believe it or not there’s a simple list. Harriet Baskas has the answers.

The summer travel season is barely underway and already we have a suitcase-full of stories about passengers booted from airplanes for being potty-mouthed, improperly dressed or otherwise over-the-line.

On June 16, a basketball player from the University of New Mexico was arrested at San Francisco International Airport for refusing to hike up his saggy pants while boarding a US Airways flight.

A few days earlier, a children’s book author was removed from an Atlantic Southwest Airlines flight at Detroit Metro Airport after a flight attendant overhead him cursing about a flight delay.

In Europe, a passenger stripped naked June 9 and then locked himself in the lavatory on a Frankfurt-bound Iberia flight, prompting the pilot to turn around and head back to Madrid.

And in May, a United Airlines passenger flying from Spokane, Wash., to Denver was arrested after allegedly masturbating in his seat.

While bad in-flight behavior can certainly get you removed from a plane or even arrested, other onboard etiquette violations are just plain gross. Here are five examples of questionable passenger activities that we hope you steer clear of on your next flight.

An unsettling number of travelers report witnessing other passengers clipping toenails mid-flight. Jill Bazeley of Merritt Island, Fla., can’t forget the “scruffy-looking fellow” she sat next to on a flight from Denver to San Diego. “Through an hour or so of studious picking at his filthy feet, he managed to deposit an unpleasant bounty of skin peelings on the cabin floor,” said Bazeley.

Alex Kremer of Boulder, Colo., is still grossed out by the couple traveling with their baby in first class on a United Airlines flight. “At one point in the flight, I looked up and saw the mother changing the baby’s used diaper right on the seat. She then used her blanket to clean up and tried to hand it to the flight attendant, who rightly told her to handle her own waste.”

US Airways acknowledged Wednesday that it recently permitted a man dressed in women’s underwear to fly, but in 2007, student and Hooters waitress Kyla Ebbert was asked to leave a Southwest Airlines flight because a crew member declared her in-flight attire too skimpy. She was eventually allowed to continue on the flight, but Southwest may have had a point: When Ebbert visited the “TODAY” show wearing the same outfit, rebroadcasts were edited because Ebbert accidentally flashed the national television audience when she sat down.

Not every X-rated website gets blocked by in-flight Wi-Fi, and it’s easy for travelers to load porn on portable devices. But watching that stuff on airplanes is “just creepy,” former JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater recently told Overhead Bin. He said anyone uncomfortable telling a seatmate to can the porn should “by all means ask for help.”

Some people don’t bother to shower before heading to the airport. Others think fried chicken, barbecue ribs and other smelly, greasy and messy meals are acceptable grab-n’-go fare. Guess what? They’re not.

I was at the library recently and saw a man watching spank porn while a bunch of kids were in the room. Some people jsut need to be killed.

Now, why is it that rappers have access to the best casting directors and the worst editors?

Kino Sharp “Mile High Club”feat. Ish Music by. Klassiq ***Video by BANGOUT BOYZ FILM from Bangout Boyz Film on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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