We Haven’t Been to Asia in a While

And, as you know, I'm all about the happy.
And, as you know, I'm all about the happy.
There’s only so many times you can make fun of Florida before it gets old. Oh, who am I kidding. This is a state that actually keeps track of people who get arrested on their birthday. Well, it’s nice to be remembered on your special day. I wonder if you get a special kind of body cavity search that day? Anyway, let’s move a little further east. Believe it or not the reason I haven’t reported about any insanity coming out of Asia is because there hasn’t been much. Seriously, once you get away from the nuclear fallout in Tokyo, which really isn’t funny, there hasn’t been a whole lot of news.

We knew that couldn’t last.

Chinese officials were thrilled to offer incontrovertible proof that they’d captured a space alien. Ooops, it was a hairless monkey.

“At first I thought it was a rabbit, then I was shocked to see it had an alien face,” said Mao.

After a diet of cucumbers, Mao tried peaches and now the starving animal won’t eat anything else.

But the poor critter was neither a rabbit nor one of ET’s lost relatives seeking a way to “phone home.” Handed over to scientists, it was at first thought to be a malnourished hairless monkey.

But the world of nature is full of surprises and the animal was soon determined to be neither an alien nor a monkey, but rather an emaciated Loris.

This suborder of primates is similar to but different from the monkey family. The Loris is nocturnal, shy and quiet, and commonly found in India and China.

The hairless creature was like nothing Mao or any of her neighbors had ever seen before and to them, it really was an alien life form. Locals were at first frightened by the creature’s appearance as its lack of hair and visible skeletal frame gave it a weird unearthly appearance.

What does this say about human reactions to things that look different?

They have video of people tickling the cute witto monkey if you click the link. But it’s reassuring that the first thing folks think of is a space alien when confronted with something new. I mean as long they aren’t jumping to irrational conclusions everything’s fine.

Maybe these people need find a mellower form of happiness. If so, a South Korean man has the answer to all life’s problems; pee sitting down.

Fifty four year old Hyun Soo Kim, a South Korean town leader, goes on the record about the benefits men can receive when they sit down to pee. Kim is not the first man to pee sitting down, but he might be the only one who has it printed on his business card.

Yes, that’s right, on his business card and It reads “Hyun Soo Kim a guy who sits down to pee”. He genuinely cares about this practice and his influence doesn’t stop with his business card, as he tells everyone he meets.

Why does Kim pee sitting down? Well for the benefits of course and according to him there are many. For starters no mess!

Your pee doesn’t splash around and out of the toilet. Secondly you can save electricity because you don’t have to turn the lights on, that is if you can find the toilet. If you have the unfortunate talent of being an extremely loud urinator, and live in an apartment, your pee won’t wake the neighbors.

The final tip Kim enlightens us with is how peeing is not just wasting time “it’s like Rodin’s Thinker sculpture” you can have a nice short time to sit and think.

First off, if you’re older than 4 and sober, it shouldn’t be all that stressful. I’ve been peeing upright for decades and never really felt stressed during the process.

Now, if you want stress, visit North Korea. Their having a problem with an increase in cannibalism.

The report was obtained by the Caleb Mission in South Korea, which subsequently revealed that cannibalism had taken place in the secretive country. One report described a situation wherein a male guard was so hungry that he killed a colleague with an ax, ate some of him, then sold the rest described as mutton.

The document, which checks in at 791-pages, is called a “Manual for workers in law enforcement,” details 721 different criminal cases, most of which dealt with food, and five of which dealt with cannibalism. Some however have doubted the veracity of the contents in the report, though most believe it to be fact.

Robert King, U.S. special envoy on North Korean rights, led a team that revealed that the food issue wasn’t a widespread crisis, though there are significant shortages in some area of the country.

Note to self: Don’t go to North Korea. Ever.

See? Florida’s looking better all the time.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

Related posts