No, Seriously, WTF is Wrong With Some People?

Don't worry little feller, I'll keep you safe.
Don't worry little feller, I'll keep you safe.
All human beings have urges. It is our ability to control them that separates us from the lower life forms. That being said, not all humans have the same urges. Most of us see the hot guy/girl (pick a preference) and think “Ohh, yeah baby, I’d like to ….” but then we don’t. At least not without the other person’s permission. Or maybe you see a fly ride cruising through your hood. You admire it, yes, but you don’t steal it. You see? It’s not that hard to pretend to be civilized.

For most of us.

Sadly, there are others whose urges are so far off the radar that the mere fact they have them sends people into convulsions. The fact that they act on them only makes matters worse.

Buck Wolf, a sadly ironic name today, starts us off with the story of the lady who finally inspired Florida to enact a specific law.

Caroline Willette allegedly admitted to videotaping herself having sex with two dogs and possessing child porn. The 53-year-old Floridian will face a slew of charges, but bestiality won’t be one of them.

That’s because Florida is one of 16 states that do not specifically ban bestiality, a fact that irks animal rights supporters.

Even though federal obscenity codes bar animal porn, and state animal cruelty laws effectively ban man-on-critter sex, some Florida lawmakers think it’s time to take stronger action.

“There’s a tremendous correlation between sexually deviant behavior and crimes against children and crimes against animals,”state Rep. Nan Rich told ABC Action News. “This is long overdue. These are heinous crimes. And people belong in jail.”

Many Floridians are surprised it’s taken so long. In recent years, a Tallahassee man was accused of sexually abusing a seeing-eye dog. And in one particularly disturbing story, a man from Florida’s Panhandle allegedly asphyxiated a family goat during sex. The incident became such a circus, T-shirts began appearing with slogans like “Baa Means No!”

In Buck’s follow up report, he notes that the Florida legislature finally passed the law, but it is still waiting for the governor’s signature. I guess he’s trying to figure out how to sign it without offending a large block of his supporters.

Also in Florida, a man has been arrested for naming his dog “Christie Brinkley.” No, wait, I’m sorry, he’s been arrested for having sex with a dog named Christie Brinkley.

A Florida man is accused of having sex with Christie Brinkley… not the 80s supermodel and former wife of Billy Joel, but a Great Dane with the same name.

Police say Armand M. Pacher, 64, told his vet’s office that he was sleeping with Christie Brinkley, and not just to keep warm on a cold night.

“She doesn’t seem to enjoy it as much when we have sex,” he allegedly said, according to an arrest warrant quoted by the Miami Herald. “Maybe it’s because I haven’t been as energetic lately and that’s why she’s not enjoying it.”

The vet didn’t think it was so funny — and says when he found signs of forced sexual activity on Christie Brinkley, he called the cops. The vet told police that the evidence on the spayed dog couldn’t have been from a another dog.

I like the fact that he calmly talks about this as though the dog had a choice in the matter.

And it’s not just in Florida. Police in Oregon busted a guy on 200 counts of molesting a pit bull and for posting pics of the acts on the Internet.

No, I will not Google them for you.

Nevertheless, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that having sex with a canine can kill you. Police in Ireland have been forced to deal with the first charges of bestiality in almost 150 years.

A man has been charged with breaking Ireland’s bestiality laws for forcing his dog to have sex with a woman who died from an allergic reaction brought on by the perverse act.

Sean McDonnell, the 57-year-old charged in the case, apparently ordered his German Shepherd to have sex with a 43-year-old mother of four that he met in an online fetish chatroom, according to the Journal.

They met to perform the kinky act with the canine, but the woman died hours later from an attack similar to a reaction unleashed by a peanut allergy, according to the Irish Daily Star.

Although the woman perished on October 7, 2008, McDonnell was just charged in Limerick. It’s an unprecedented case on the Emerald Isle where it’s believed that no one’s been prosecuted under the country’s 1861 buggery laws, the Journal reported.

A conviction could land McDonnell in prison for life.

The Gardai, the Irish police, determined that the sex was consensual, according to an article originally published in the Irish Daily Star.

So, there you are, dead as a door knocker and waiting in line to see St. Peter. When he asks the age-old question, “How did you die?” where do you go from there? Is there anyway you can claim it was an accident?

According to police in Connecticut you can if you’re caught molesting a horse.

Umm… it was an accident.

A Connecticut man accused of engaging in a sex act with a horse apparently says the whole zoophilia thing was really just a misunderstanding.

Police say they were called to a home in the town of Shelton by someone who said a man was touching a horse sexually — and that the horse appeared to be in pain.

They found 63-year-old Marian Wegiel, who appears to have pulled a classic “it’s not what you think”!

He says he was just trying to calm the three horses after they were spooked by a loud noise… and maybe he inadvertently put a finger inside one, according to the Connecticut Post.

A veterinarian says the lone female of the three horses in the barn is the only one that appears to have been “touched” in that calming way… and Wegiel has been charged with cruelty to animals, sexual assault fourth-degree sexual assault, third-degree criminal trespass and second- degree breach of peace, according to the newspaper.

Well, okay, I can see how one horse might be … ahem … an accident. But what about 3? According to police in Covington, Georgia, no, they won’t believe it was an accident.

A 37-year-old man was arrested Tuesday morning and charged with bestiality after several witnesses allegedly saw him having sexual intercourse with several horses.

Officers from the Covington Police Department were called to a home on Lunsford Circle at 8:58 a.m. When they arrived they met with the homeowner who was walking Byron Christopher Jordan toward the patrol car. When they spoke with the homeowner they learned he had witnessed Jordan having sex with one of his horses.

According to CPD Public Information Officer Lt. Wendell Wagstaff, Jordan was wearing only pajama bottoms which were extremely dirty and had the front fly opened. He also reportedly had a strong odor about his person.

Officers spoke with neighbors who had witnessed Jordan allegedly have sex with one horse, walk away from that one and go to a second horse and have sex with it before moving on to the third horse, which was in the corral, and begin having sex with that horse as well. They notified the owner, who had to physically pull him off the third horse.

“Witnesses said they figured if they called 911, dispatch operators would just think it was a prank,” said Wagstaff.

Jordan was charged with giving false name to an officer and bestiality and transferred to the Newton County Detention Center. He received a $3,500 bond and was bonded out on June 23, according to officials at the Newton County Detention Center. If convicted of bestiality Jordan could be sentenced to between one and five years of confinement.

Oh, I bet he’s going to be popular in prison.

Even so, I can see why the witnesses were reluctant to call the cops. There is no way to have that conversation and sound rational.

“911, what’s the nature of your emergency?”

“Some guy is having sex with a horse.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said this dude is boinking his little pony.”

“Sir, crank calling 911 is a felony.”

Click.

Better to just call and say he’s dealing meth in the stables or something more believable like that. It would be much easier to explain it to the cops when they get there and see for themselves.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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