Our Robot Overlords Will Allow Us To Marry

The robot minister is on the front page, this is the best man.
The robot minister is on the front page, this is the best man.
All your weddings are belong to us. Yeah, that’s where we’re headed. As I have noted several times before, our world is well on its way to ceding control to our impending robot overlords. For some bizarre reasons there are genetic traitors who insist on teaching robots all the skills they’ll need to eventually control all life on earth. While the news report about President Executron was meant to be humorous, it’s becoming painfully obvious that we are not far from cybernetically imposed curfews and procreation restrictions. And what better way to begin controlling yours and my reproductive systems than by taking over the sacred act of marriage?

You see, it won’t be by the blunt force trauma espoused, over and over, in crappy films like Transformers: Dark of the Moon but will, instead, be a subtle take over in a digital homage to Machiavelli. After all, why expend all that useless energy and possibly damage needed infrastructure, when we seem so willing to just get down on our knees and beg to serve.

Mike Fahey at Kotaku, who seems rational at first blush, tells us of the happy couple who wanted to be first in line to rejoice in humanity’s inevitable demise.

These science posts at Kotaku give me an opportunity to talk about something near and dear to my heart: The Robot menace. A Japanese couple being married by a robot? What if it misinterprets “til death do us part?”

The Japanese love their robots. They’ve been making them for ages, from toys on up to complicated machines that can speak, manipulate objects, and even serve as masturbatory fantasies for a whole new generation of creepy Japanese fanboys.

Yesterday a robot, specifically Kokoro’s four foot tall I-Fairy, presided over the wedding of a Japanese couple in what was the first robot-conducted wedding in human history. The I-Fairy was controlled by a man behind the curtain as she guided 36-year-old Kokoru employee Satoko Inoue and 42-year-old robotics professor Tomohiro Shibata into their new life, using speech synthesis to speak the pre-programmed words that bound the two together.

Here’s an adorable clip of the ceremony. Isn’t the little robot cute?

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Yes, she’s so adorable. I’m sure that’ll be the last thoughts that pass through the minds of thousands when she becomes an instrument of slaughter in the upcoming robot revolution.

You can call me paranoid, but I’ve watched countless documentaries on the subject of the robot revolution, from Will Smith’s I, Robot to The Matrix. The machines want us dead, and we’re finding ways to help them achieve that goal.

Take I-Fairy here, for instance. She was given the power to bind two people together in matrimony. Shouldn’t she then have the power to sever that bond? Oh, what’s this? An industrial laser? That would certainly help her sever those bonds, permanently, blinking her cute little eyes on and off while using software to amplify the couple’s screams for mercy.

See? That’s exactly what’s going through I-Fairy’s head right now.

What makes this worse is the fact that I-Fairy is being forced to participate in an event celebrating human love, something she can never truly experience, mainly due to the robot killing spree cut from the 1981 documentary, Heartbeeps.

It’s only a matter of time. One minute the robots are watching us march down the aisle, the next they’ll be marching down our streets, bringing humanity together in a way we never suspected they would: as part of a giant, melted puddle.

Congratulations to the happy new couple! I hope it was worth it.

As you can see, Mike shares my concerns. So do all right thinking humans. But, sadly, it seems we are in the minority. More and more people appear to be thrilled to turn over basic responsibilities to others while they turn into vegetative slaves. Or worse, auto-tuned singers with soulless songs.

Our homie, KRS-One, reminds us of humanity’s many accomplishments.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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