This just in, Florida's where the gene pool went to die.
This just in, Florida's where the gene pool went to die.
We’ve had a couple of downer posts lately so I thought I’d provide a chuckle for the masses. Well, okay, the Space Beer one was kind of fun, but it has seemed that things have been a little down around here. Which, believe it or not, isn’t true. Things have actually been kind of fun here in the land of Hippo. The ladies in the office have joined a continuing education class that really seems to have perked up office morale. The guys in the office have come up with communal activities that have really helped us bond and be more sensitive to the needs of others. Our lord and master has loosened our chains enough that we can now use the bathroom. Of course the ruckus caused by the cleaning crew might have had something to do with that.

One never really knows.

Nevertheless, today seems like a good day for some schadenfreude. And where is misery the most fun? Florida.

Let’s start with how Florida bank robbers differ from thinking humans. WPBF-TV tells the hysterical story of the guy who robbed a bank and used a taxi as his getaway vehicle.

The FBI has arrested a man accused of putting on a suit and tie, robbing a South Florida bank and then leaving in a taxi.

Jeffrey Harrington, 27, of North Miami, is accused of robbing the Bank of America branch in Hallandale Beach on Tuesday morning. He was arrested Wednesday.

According to the FBI, Harrington handed the teller a note demanding the teller fill envelopes with money and warning the teller not to set off the alarm because it would trigger an explosive device.

The note also read: “Remember the money is insured. Don’t be a hero.”

Authorities said Harrington left the bank and got into a parked taxicab that had picked him up from his home earlier that morning.

After the robbery, the taxi dropped Harrington off at the barbershop where he works, authorities said.
A co-worker told the FBI he saw Harrington at the barbershop putting a large amount of money in his pocket.

“No, really, officers, I get great tips doing fades and weaves.”

Yeah, they didn’t buy it either.

Of course at least he didn’t involve his mom, which is a common theme in Florida. John P. Wise tells the fun story of the guy who texted his mom to dump his meth.

A Florida man texted his mother asking her to hide his drug evidence, police in Bay County said.

Anthony Paul Burdeshaw, 33, is being held on drug charges in Bayou George.

Investigators said they were talking to Burdeshaw’s mother about an abandoned barn next to the family’s home that contained methamphetamine-manufacturing chemicals when she received a text from her son. According to a story in TheNewsHerald.com, the message read: “Hey Mom can u go to my bedroom and get the glass bowl under the bed and wash it with water really good and don’t give the cops permission to search.”

The mother eventually brought out to police a glass bowl that tested positive for meth.

Actually, for a meth head, he has excellent spelling and grammar skills.

On the other hand, Floridians do make it easy for criminals to commit crimes. In Boynton Beach you can use any credit card you happen to find without being asked to show any ID. Store owners are stunned, STUNNED I TELL YOU, that some folks used this oversight to steal thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff.

In comparison, yesterday I got carded when I was buying $30 worth of groceries by a lady who spoke zero English.

So, maybe I should do all my shopping in Florida.

“Mr. Hippo? Your cherry red Ferrari is ready. Just sign here.”

Yeah, I can see it now.

Of course, people in Florida also celebrate life’s defining moments differently. In New Port Richey simple events like going to rehab will involve the police.

A Florida couple was arrested for engaging in a sex act on a scooter in a strip mall parking lot, police said.

Investigators were called Tuesday night to a shopping center in New Port Richey after a family witnessed the sex act, according to a report on TampaBay.com.

Dawn Strait and Franklin Rowland were charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, TampaBay.com reported.
Strait, 49, told the arresting officer that she performed the act because she was sad that Franklin was going to detox soon, according to the report.

Now I know why our fellow Hippo, Scott, bought a scooter.

How does that work?

“Honey, I’m going to be gone for a couple of days, so let’s take the scooter to the most public place possible so you can ….”

I never said they were smart.

Of course, they do seem to have a training program for young criminals in Florida, so maybe this topic can be brought up. On the other hand, North Miami Beach cops recently arrested an 11 year old kid for his second major robbery. So that course can’t be very thorough.

“But, Uncle Big Bad,” you whine, “there must be some good people in Florida.”

Well, yes and no. As Angela Rozier reports, there’s a South Florida woman trying to raise awareness for recovering addicts by walking all the way to Washington D.C. Which is a good thing because, you see, if she was trying to raise cash, she’d be doomed. No one has donated a dime to her cause.

Not a pair of shoes, not a sandwich, nothing.

Of course, the reason for that is obvious. Florida’s state motto is “Rehab’s for Quitters!”

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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