Like most of you, I woke up this morning. Unlike most of you, I anxiously accessed my robot to see what glorious news awaited my dissemination. There was a lot of sex today. More than you might imagine. From prostitution rings being run by septuagenarian professors to men removing their genitalia with handguns, there was a ton of stuff to choose from. While, individually, some were interesting, taken in the aggregate they were a bit too much. And since any one of them could be summed up in a sentence or two, I would have had to use them all if I wanted to fill this page. Then, just as everything was looking hopeless, I ran across a story from the Netherlands. It had everything a Nude Hippo reader could ever desire.
Massive fire damage? Double check.
So let’s start there.
A Dutch veterinarian was fined 600 guilders (about $240) for causing a fire that destroyed a farm in Lichten Vourde, the Netherlands. The vet had been trying to convince a farmer that his cow was passing flatulent gas; to demonstrate, the vet ignited the gas, but the cow became a “four-legged flame-thrower” and ran wild, setting fire to bales of hay. Damage to the farm was assessed at $80,000. The cow was unharmed. AP
I bet the first thing they put in the new barn is no smoking sign.
But what do you do if you want to rob a WalMart and don’t have a flame throwing cow to distract the customers and staff? According to police in Garrisonville, Virginia, you don a cow suit and raid the milk department.
Authorities in Virginia said a man in a cow suit stole 26 gallons of milk from a Walmart and handed the jugs to passersby outside.
Stafford County sheriff’s spokesman Bill Kennedy said the man stole the milk from the Walmart in Garrisonville about 10:35 p.m. Tuesday, the Manassas News and Messenger reported Thursday.
Kennedy said witnesses reported seeing the man distributing the milk to passersby outside the store.
It was unclear Thursday how the man was able to get 26 gallons of milk outside.
Deputies said they responded a short time later to a call about a disturbance at a nearby McDonald’s and spotted an 18-year-old man who matched the description of the suspect. The man, whose name was not released, was found to have a cow suit in his car.
“Your Honor, I was mooooved by my mooods to to remoooove the milky moooolah ….”
However, had this young man taken lessons from a real cow he might have gotten away with it. Police in Media, Pennsylvania report that a cow busted out of the joint and made a run for freedom.
Police in Pennsylvania said a cow headed for slaughter escaped while being moved from its cage and spent about an hour on the run.
Taj Burton, 20, an employee of Madina Live Poultry Co. in Upper Darby, said he was moving the 750-pound cow Saturday when it made a break for freedom, the Delaware County Times reported Tuesday.
“I chased it, but it outran me. The cow was on the run for about an hour,” Burton said.
Police Superintendent Michael Chitwood said officers chased the cow in their cars.
“Sector 4 cars chased it,” Chitwood said. “I have not trained my officers how to use lassos. They have been trained in a lot of different ways, but not to lasso a cow. We have all kinds of strange things happen in Upper Darby. This was kind of funny.”
Chitwood said police were eventually able to corner the cow with their cars and Madina recaptured it using a lasso made from two dog leashes.
Burton said the cow ran into a car during its time on the loose, but neither the animal nor the driver was injured.
“Hello, Cut Rate Insurance Company with the Cartoon Mascot, how may I direct your call?”
“My car was just attacked by a cow ….”
Plan on a long day there. Nevertheless, I guess it’s a good thing that the cow didn’t have a cow bell. No telling how much damage it could have caused. Starksville, Mississippi police tell the tawdry tale of a man who tried to beat another man to death with one.
A Mississippi man accused of striking a fellow university student with a cowbell was sentenced to 45 days in jail and a $500 fine.
Brent Vowell, who was initially charged with felony aggravated assault, pleaded guilty Monday in Oktibbeha County Circuit Court to a reduced charge of misdemeanor simple assault, The Jackson (Miss.) Clarion-Ledger reported Tuesday.
Vowell, who court documents said will serve his sentence on weekends starting May 13, was accused of striking Matthew Brasher in the head with a cowbell at the Egg Bowl Nov. 28, 2009, when they were both Mississippi State University students.
Brasher said he suffered a 4-inch laceration on his head from the cowbell.
A civil suit filed by Brasher — which names Vowell, the university and the Event Operations Group as defendants — is in the process of discovery.
You can only imagine what events had to line up perfectly for that to have happened. Starting with, “How the heck do you find a cowbell in a football stadium if you’re not in the band?”
But, not all cow related crimes involve people. Some involve KILLER COWS FROM OUTER SPACE!!!!!!
Well, actually Iowa, but that’s alien enough for our purposes.
An Iowa woman died after a being attacked by a cow on a farm in Benton County, officials said.
Killed Saturday was Jean Fee, 60, of Urbana. Her year-old grandson was uninjured.
“It’s pretty unusual for a cow to become aggressive,” Terry Engelken, an associate professor at Iowa State University’s College of Veterinary Medicine, told Monday’s Des Moines Register. “We have a few instances of [cow attacks] across the country every year — but it’s uncommon. For it to result in a fatality is very uncommon.”
Matt Fee, the woman’s son, said his parents and nephews often go into a pasture to feed ears of corn to the cows. Jean Fee, her husband and grandson were on such an outing when the incident occurred.
“My dad went back to the house to get my nephew a drink,” Matt Fee said. “The best we can figure is the cow became aggressive, and my mom was protecting my nephew, and the cow hit her with its head and it stopped her heart.”
It took paramedics about 20 minutes to get to the farm and the woman was flown to a Cedar Rapids hospital where she died.
Fee said there were three calves in the pasture when the accident happened.
“It’s common for them to become aggressive if they have a newborn calf,” Engelken said. “We also just see differences in temperament in cows like we see in dogs and cats and people.”
Coming soon on FOX!, “When Cows Attack!”
I guess it’s somewhat reassuring to know that being bludgeoned by a bovine isn’t common.
To tie this whole mess together with a nice bow, I offer you a catchy little video that features a break-dancing hippo who likes to Moooove It!
Madagascar: I Like To Move It by Aiuny
Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!