The Cops Will Never Notice You If You’re Naked!

The best way to blend in is to be naked.
The best way to blend in is to be naked.
Yesterday I decided to do a little spring cleaning. I donned the traditional uniform of an old pair of shorts and a ripped up sleeveless T. I prefer to be barefoot when I can. That is important to this story.

During this annual event I managed to find a set of glass cookware hidden in a box. I thought this stuff had been donated to charity or destroyed years ago. Anyway, much to my profound joy, the box flipped over and sprayed broken glass all over me. In my attempt to escape the wreckage I managed to step on some and cut myself pretty badly. At that moment I stepped out of my back door so that I wouldn’t be on top of the broken glass tinkling down the stairs. My new neighbor spied me bleeding on everything and did the only logical thing she could think of. She turned a garden hose on me and began trying to wash away the blood.

This was not as helpful as you might imagine.

Now I’m standing outside, covered in blood AND soaked to my skin. I thanked her for her help, as non-sarcastically as possible, and walked around to the front of my building so I could let myself in, grab some cleaning supplies and bandages and see if I needed to go to the hospital. While I had numerous cuts, none were through arteries or veins and none were that deep. So I picked the glass out of my skin, bandaged myself up and then spent two hours mopping up blood and sweeping up glass.

Needless to say, I chucked the whole spring cleaning idea and went to meet up with some buddies and watch baseball.

And, yes, beer was involved.

Yet, somehow, despite all that I managed to stay clothed in public.

The Kitsap Sun, a Washington State newspaper, reports that I must have tremendous self control.

A man who allegedly went into a house and stole a laptop computer Friday night got caught with his pants down.

An Ogle Road resident called 911 to report a man entered her house, grabbed her daughter’s laptop and ran out.

Deputies arrived and heard somebody tramping through the woods away from the house. They hollered at him to come out or they would send a dog in after him. He asked if he could put his clothes on first. They said no. He walked out of the brush wearing just a baseball cap and boots.

The 38-year-old man eventually confessed that the computer was about 100 yards into the woods, with his clothes. He said he had been walking down the road when he saw a girl in a window waving for him to come in, like she wanted him sexually. When he went in the house, she was gone. He said taking the laptop was just a joke and that he was going to return it.

He blamed alcohol for his actions, claiming he had “a buzz on” and was in the middle of a relapse.

Because deputies found a large folding knife in his pants, which he said he was wearing when he was in the house, they arrested him on suspicion of first-degree burglary along with second-degree theft. He was taken to the Kitsap County jail with bail set at $110,000.

He never explained why he took his clothes off.

Why, because walking around naked in a small town won’t draw any attention at all. Of course he’s probably a Mariners fan, so that could explain it.

Anyway, not to be outdone, Houma, Louisiana police report that they arrested a naked man fleeing a murder scene. And that was the least odd thing they noticed.

A Houma man was booked on second degree murder charges Saturday, four days after deputies arrested him for running from his house to elude them, naked with a plastic bag of cocaine partially stuffed inside his body.

Jamie Coleman was arrested by Lafourche Parish sheriff’s deputies for the murder of Catina Stewart Jack, 38, of Gibson.

Jack’s body was discovered Wednesday on the side of the road in Thibodaux, according to a press release from the sheriff’s office.

Investigators went to find Coleman, an acquaintance of Jack’s, Wednesday afternoon after gathering evidence at the scene and interviewing friends and family.

When authorities approached a house inside which they were told Coleman could be found, they said he ran from the back of the home.

After apprehending him, powder cocaine was found stuffed inside his anus, deputies said. Authorities also said they found cocaine inside the home.

Coleman was arrested on charges of attempting to distribute cocaine and child support issues, and later booked with murder.

Bond was set at $49,000 for the drug charges but no bond was set on the child support and murder charges. Deputies did not release information on a possible motive for the murder.

Ah yes, the “I just committed a murder so I’d better stick a pound of cocaine in my butt and run naked down the street” method of escape. It’s amazing it’s not more popular.

In non nude news, there’s one story that’s so incredibly far fetched that it’s not amazing that the Florida police accepted it at face value. A man’s home burned down when his foot exploded in flame.

I’ll let Lewis from Bizarre News fill you in.

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

In Bizarre News I have reported on a story about a man who set his home on fire while trying to burn out a hornet’s nest. Then there was the man who burned his house down while trying to destroy a squirrel nest. But this story is a new one to me.

Officials say a Florida man set fire to his home while trying to clean an infection on his foot.

How? The man told deputies he was sitting on his bed, using rubbing alcohol to clean his foot. Of course, the best way to calm the nerves that come with an infected foot is to have a smoke.

His lit cigarette came into contact with the flammable liquid and set his sheets on fire. He removed the bedding and ran to get a fire extinguisher, but the flames grew out of control while he was gone.

Investigators have accepted the man’s story and ruled the fire accidental. I however have my doubts. I watched an episode of Myth Busters where they proved that the heat of a lit cigarette is not enough to ignite liquid gasoline, which is much more inflammable than alcohol.

So I conducted my own experiment, and no matter how hard I tried I could not get rubbing alcohol to ignite with a cigarette. So the obvious solution in my mind? Spontaneous human foot combustion.


Or, and I’m just spitting wind here, MAYBE HE LIED!!!!

Nah, a nice man like that would never obfuscate the facts. Would he?

Not when faced with the brain trust that comprises the Florida gendarmes.

Anyway, in keeping with our theme, here’s a nice video from Russia’s very own The Henderson Shatners. They specify so that you won’t confuse them for the Star Trek Shatners.

Just FYI, you might want to wait until your kids and/or boss aren’t around before you watch it.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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