Family Fun!

No, its not a candle and, no, you can't light it.
No, its not a candle and, no, you can't light it.
When I was an baby I was passed around to various relatives until I finally ended up with my grandparents. They wanted to deal with poopy diapers about as much as they wanted to have an appendectomy performed by a crazed homeless person with a rusty spoon. That being said they did the best they could to impart some basic human values and keep me from becoming a serial killer. There are those who, when they find out how I was raised, feel pity for me and start talking in a cooing voice about how hard it must have been. They make me seriously reconsider the whole serial killer thing. You see, I didn’t know anything was wrong. I had food on the table, clean clothes for school and friends I could play with. If my family was different than theirs, well, some of them were different from everyone else’s too. Single moms, single dads, cousins moving in due to divorces or deaths and so on. So I never really thought I was missing anything. As Lene Lovich once said, “Home is where the heart is,” and my heart was in a small house on 18th Avenue in Melrose Park.

When, as I got older, I realized that I didn’t come from a traditional family it never really bothered me. You can’t really miss what you never had, except in the abstract. And, I’m not really prone to abstract thought.

Many people were upset when a young, Rotterdam, girl got a full sleeve tattoo on her right leg featuring all of her Facebook friends. They wanted to know what the heck was wrong with her family. I thought it was stupid, but harmless. As it turned out they could have saved their ire as it was just an ad for a tattoo shop and the tat itself was just a press on. But why let facts get in the way of a good rant?

If they really wanted to have something to get upset about, where was the hue and cry over the mom who tried to use Facebook to hire a hitman?

“I will pay somebody a stack to kill my baby father.”

It’s not your everyday status update. But police say that’s the message that one angry woman posted on her Facebook profile back on May 23, after getting into an argument with the father of her child.

On June 10, police arrested 20-year-old Eley London of Philadelphia after she allegedly tried to hire someone to kill her baby’s father, Corey Jerome White, for $1000.

Even more shocking was the alleged first response. Investigators say 18-year-old Tim Bynum replied to London’s message and said that he was up to the task, agreeing to carry out the hit as long as he was paid up front.

Authorities were alerted after White’s mother saw the message and contacted her son.

“Its shocking that people are just so stupid,” said Lieutenant John Walker.

And, because they’re stupid, they’re behind bars. Better yet, the baby’s father is still alive and probably buying stock in his favorite condom company to prevent this sort of thing from happening again. Or so we all hope.

Other families do things that give us pause as well. As Anthony Hall reports, being naked in public, with or without mannequins, is a no no in certain locales.

When it comes to stripping down naked, the rule of thumb is doing it at home is OK, but don’t try it elsewhere.

Several folks got that formula wrong this week, choosing to bare all or just a few parts of their bodies outside of their abodes.

Guaranteed to get the neighbors talking, a woman in Naples, Fla., Rachelle Gomes, 39, allegedly exposed her breasts at an apartment complex swimming pool, although she told police later her bikini top had fallen off accidentally, The Naples Daily News reported.

Not too far away, in Bonita Springs, Fla., a couple were spotted trespassing and, incidentally naked, until, that is, police officers arrived.

By then Andrew Taylor and Delana Layman were putting on some attire, the Daily News reported. As such, they were charged with trespassing and, incidentally, Layman was charged with possession of prescription drugs that did not belong to her, the newspaper said.

The whole relationship thing can raise so many questions and be so confusing.

A man from Syracuse, N.Y., for example, Ned Nefer, took a 70-mile trip on foot this week with a mannequin he calls his wife.

He met his so-called spouse (named Teagan) at the Children’s Home of Jefferson County, when she was just a head, and later built a body for her, the Watertown Daily Times reported.

He also said he “married” Teagan in California in 1986, meaning some people can make it work with a silent partner.

The trip from Syracuse to Watertown was a pilgrimage to the town where Nefer first met the mannequin head, the newspaper said.

Lisa Spear, principal social welfare examiner for the Jefferson County Department of Social Services, said Nefer “seemed sincere,” and may have been once married to a woman who died. “I’m not sure if this is his way of dealing with the death or that this is some way of coping,” Spear said.

In another dress for the occasion story, Tracy Chandler in Doncaster, England, found herself fired by a local soccer team after poising for a charity calendar wearing lingerie.

Chandler said it was bad enough being fired “by e-mail,” but that the town’s soccer team, the Rovers, might be a bit hypocritical, the Daily Mirror reported.

The soccer team, she said, posed for a different charity calendar the year before, wearing nothing but strategically placed soccer balls.

I had a cat named Teagan and she liked to ride in the car with me. Complete non sequitor, I know.

Also, I once posed naked on a Harley for an ad in the 80’s, so I feel sorry for the lady. She wore more than I did and I never got fired for anything. And, back then, I was working on the radio for Cap-Cities ABC or, as we all called it, the Always Been Christian Network. If they could put up with me I see no reason a local soccer team can’t put up with her.

But not all family news is depressing. Katie Drews, at the Chicago Sun Times, reports that a new family has moved into Boystown and it is just the cutest family you’ve ever seen.

A mother deer found an unlikely home — the heart of Boystown — and gave birth in recent days to two fawns, who are now living near Belmont and Halsted.

Amid the bustling North Side neighborhood, the doe landed in a secluded, gravel courtyard behind an apartment building. To get to this spot, she likely would have had to walk down an alley, turn into a narrow gangway and pass through a gate of a chain-link fence.

“The mother is big, about 250 pounds, and she had birth right in this little gangway area,” said Frank Aolokotronis, who works at a nearby restaurant. “It’s crazy. We’re talking about the middle of the city here.”

“It sounds as peculiar to me as it does to you,” said Kevin Luby, a naturalist at the Glen Ellyn-based Willowbrook Wildlife Center. “She might have gotten herself into that situation and then had an emergency birth right there. I don’t think it’s something she would have chosen.”

The doe’s newborns appear to be doing well. They can prance around the small stones, but they are not strong enough to keep up with mom, who often leaves during the day to forage.

“Moms leave their fawns alone every day and it’s perfectly normal,” said Dawn Keller, executive director of Flint Creek Wildlife Rehabilitation. “She usually only comes back to nurse.”

While this mother deer is gone, the two fawns can often be heard crying. And during last week’s rainstorms, they reportedly took shelter under an air conditioning unit.

Despite the unusual setting, it’s best to leave the deer where they are, experts said. Chicago Animal Care and Control is aware of the situation but said it will generally leave animals alone unless they are injured or pose a threat.

“She is living the life that deer live, just in a very peculiar place,” Luby said. “This is probably the most urban deer that I’ve ever heard of. . . . The kids might actually learn from her and learn to live the same lifestyle she has.”

Given the way our economy is going, teaching your kids how to forage on the streets might not be a bad lesson.

All jokes that feature “She’s such a deer,” “fawning over ….” or “how much doe are they worth” are hereby banned forever.

You’re welcome.

Besides, where she now lives prancing through the street in nothing but a tasteful fur is considered normal, so I’m sure she’ll be fine.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

Related posts