Good Breasts / Bad Breasts

A sample of the, heart healthy, fare at the Heart Attack Grill.
A sample of the, heart healthy, fare at the Heart Attack Grill.
I’m a big fan of female mammaries. Lots of guys are. To paraphrase the immortal Ron White, if offered the chance, we’ll even look at naked, aging, biker chicks. It’s easy to understand why. They very first toy a baby boy gets is a breast. He can hold it and suck it and so on. The fact that it feeds him only reinforces his love of breasts. As time goes on men learn that breasts can be the source of many pleasures so it becomes difficult not to notice them. We may be as politically correct as can be and still turn into drooling ogres at the sight of a pair of gloriously jiggling jugs.

Yet, as we all learn over the years, there’s a time and a place for everything.

As reported by AOL News there is a growing demand for breastaurants where men can ogle to their heart’s delight while jamming down artery clogging food and watching sports.

“Breastaurants,” the term used to describe restaurants that feature scantily-clad women as waitresses, are poised to become one of the fastest-growing restaurant categories, according to Entrepreneur magazine. Although it is hard to tell exactly how much these restaurants gross since they are lumped into the more general casual dining category, Hooters sales now net about $1 billion annually, after increasing from the past few years.

Hooters is probably the most familiar breastaurant, but there are several other chains nipping at its heels, all offering their own spin on push-up tops and tight bottoms. Celtic-themed sports bar Tilted Kilt Pub & Eatery CEO Ron Lynch explains his chain’s concept to Entrepreneur, “We sell on sex appeal, but we are sexy classy, sexy smart or sexy cute. Not sexy stupid or sexy trashy.” Randy DeWitt of the Twin Peaks chain feels similarly (restaurant name notwithstanding?), explaining that Twin Peaks has much better quality food and more “finished” uniforms for the girls.

Lynch’s crew practices “‘touchology,” which isn’t quite as dirty as it sounds. His waitresses touch the table often to make the guests feel welcome. DeWitt echoes Lynch’s service philosophy; his regulars are greeted by name and often request specific waitresses, also by name.

For all you ever want to know about breastaurants, Business Insider has an in-depth slideshow of the many iterations. Other breastaurant chains include Mugs ‘N Jugs, Bone Daddy’s House of Smoke, Brick House Tavern + Tap, Burger Girl and The Honey Shack.

Well, as long as their tastefully named, who could have a problem with them?

As it turns out, some prudes in Southlake, Texas do.

Call it the battle over the “breastaurant”, that is the new nickname for a series of sports bar that feature waitresses in skimpy uniforms.

There are already four of the racy restaurants in Grapevine, mainly billing themselves as sports bars. The newest is the Tilted Kilt, where there is no shortage of patrons.

“It is all about the good looking women and the sports on TV,” John Lovin said.

According to the Grapevine Chamber of Commerce, the establishments are doing well.

“We look at them as businesses doing business and adding to our tax bases,” Chamber President, RaDonna Hessel said.

Hessel says the sports bars are part of the backbone of a thriving restaurant industry in Grapevine, helping to give consumers options.

“We feel people have the right to spend their money where they choose and that includes Hooter’s,” Hessel said.

But, while Grapevine has been welcoming, in neighboring Southlake a citizen’s group has sprung up to oppose a Twin Peaks restaurant that is being proposed.

Twin Peaks CEO, Randy DeWitt, wants to put a sports bar in a vacant building once occupied by Red Lobster. DeWitt was not available for comment.

“We don’t want those kinds of businesess in Southlake,” working mother of three, Pam Bolen said.

Bolen says the sports bar is not suitable for Southlake.

“I think if we open the door to this restaurant, we will see many more. I don’t want Southlake to turn into the old Northwest Highway in Dallas.”

The Planning and Zoning Commission will take up the issue of approving a site plan and variance to the masonry ordinance next week. The City Council may consider the plan at a later meeting.

Yeah, as every guy knows, breasts are the gateway to heroin.

Oy freaking vey.

But they might lead bad parenting. Bob Hess, over at FOX News, tells the family friendly story of a topless woman who went to a restaurant after abandoning her baby.

A topless woman was arrested Monday after leaving her baby in car and walking into a Gardner bar.

Witnesses say 28-year-old Kristen Lowery was topless when customers stopped her from entering Austin’s Bar and Grille in Gardner on Monday.

When she walked back to her car, an off-duty officer saw what was going on and went to investigate. That’s when people noticed a baby girl alone in Lowery’s car.

“SRS is conducting an investigation and determined that the baby is safe and there would be proper placement for that child,” said Steve Howe, Johnson County District Attorney.

Lowery is currently being held on a $5,000 bond. She plead not guilty to the charges of endangering her child.

She was already scheduled to be in court Thursday on a possession of heroin charged under the alias Kristen Macias.

What did I say earlier about heroin? I may have misspoke.

It does seem that drugs and naked breasts go hand in hand. WHIO.TV reports that a topless hitchhiker – what could possibly go wrong there? – was busted for possession.

Authorities said a Dayton woman was arrested in Logan County after deputies reported finding her walking around topless.

Casey Gromosiak, 26, was spotted without a top on near State Route 366 in Logan County, deputies said.

Deputies said Gromosiak was very intoxicated. They said they believe she was going topless to try and solicit a ride back to Dayton.

She was charged with public indecency and possession of drugs. Deputies said they found cocaine and marijuana in her purse.

Not all topless women need a lift, however, Stuart, Florida police report that they arrested a woman for driving with the top down.

There’s nothing wrong with driving with the top down — but you don’t want to get caught driving shirtless if you’re drunk and carrying marijuana in your purse.

Police pulled over Keila De Oliveira Leite in Stuart, Fla., for driving erratically on May 30. They accused her of driving on the wrong side of the road, traveling 20 miles below the speed limit and passing a Martin County deputy who tried to stop her, TCPalm.com reported.

When she finally stopped, police found Leite, 21, topless behind the wheel with what appeared to be weed sticking out of her purse on the floor of the car, according to the police report. Cops searched the car and claim they found a pot pipe, too.

Not only was the suspect naked from the waist up, she was “argumentative” about covering up, according to the police report. However, she was wearing a shirt by the time her mug shot was taken.

After reportedly failing several sobriety tests, she was charged with driving under the influence and possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia.

Police started chasing Leite after she drove away from the scene of a fight.

Her mom must be sooooooo proud.

Another time you might not want to channel your inner nudist is when you’re robbing someone’s home. Teresa Moore tells us of the nice Kentucky woman who did just that.

A woman who swam topless across the Ohio River from Ironton to Russell, Ky., Wednesday was arrested, not because of her athletic feat but because of what she allegedly did afterward.

Tina L. Carmon, 46, who listed her address on police records as homeless, was charged by Russell police with felony burglary and criminal mischief and misdemeanor theft charges.

Ironton Police Chief Jim Carey said his department received a telephone call from a lady who reported seeing a drowning. When officers arrived they found a man and two women on the riverfront. One woman, who was wearing only a pair of underwear, had decided to go swimming but got caught in the current and drifted toward Russell.

Once on the Kentucky side, Carmon allegedly broke into a residence at 103 Vernon St., Russell, near the city water plant.

“She got a dress and a shirt and fixed herself a bologna sandwich and then she got arrested,” Russell Patrolman Kevin Diedrich said. “She was a little intoxicated.”

Diedrich said Carmon was spotted by an employee at the water plant, who called police. Carmon at first denied the break-in but then admitted her offenses.

Carmon was taken to the Greenup County Jail.

So, in summation, burgers and boobs are good, burglary and boobs are bad.

Hopefully that will help you keep things straight in the future.

Anyway, the nice people over at Spike TV were kind enough to share a video with us that helps remind us what “good” breasts can inspire.

Music Video: Plug Me In
Tags: Music Video: Plug Me In

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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