We all have our little fetishes. Most of them, in the grand scheme of things, are harmless. You want to be wrapped in latex and spanked by an Amazon? More power to you I say. If you feel the need to dress like a hamster so that you can remain in touch with your feral core, go for it. Not sure if you have a fetish? Not a problem, that’s why God created the internet. Just click here to read a list of the ten most popular fetishes. If you see something you like you’re good to go. If not, I’m sure a simple Google search will get you in touch with what you need to touch.
But make sure you understand the terms before you go an play. As a way of warning, one gentleman in Australia woefully misunderstood the term “blow job” and stuck an air compressor in his butt cheek. Doctors say he’ll live but never forget the experience. He’d actually inflated himself to the point where flesh was separating from muscle before he was rescued. Yet another item on the long list of things I’ll never try.
In other words if you and your partner, or partners as the case may be, agree that doing such and such will be a rewarding experience for all involved, have at it and go with my blessings.
That being said, this next dude still freaks me out. The Telegraph (UK) reports on a man who doesn’t just love his cars, he makes love to them.
Edward Smith, who lives with his current “girlfriend” – a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, insisted that he was not “sick” and had no desire to change his ways.
“I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love,” he said.
“Maybe I’m a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it’s just wonderful.
“I’m a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what’s in my heart and I have no desire to change.”
He added: “I’m not sick and I don’t want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference.”
Mr Smith, 57, first had sex with a car at the age of 15, and claims he has never been attracted to women or men.
But his wandering eye has spread beyond cars to other vehicles. He says that his most intense sexual experience was “making love” to the helicopter from 1980s TV hit Airwolf.
As well as Vanilla, he regularly spends time with his other vehicles – a 1973 Opal GT, named Cinnamon, and 1993 Ford Ranger Splash, named Ginger.
Before Vanilla, he had a five-year relationship with Victoria, a 1969 VW Beetle he bought from a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses.
But he confesses that many of the cars he has had sex with have belonged to strangers or car showrooms.
His last relationship with a woman was 12 years ago – and he could not bring himself to consummate it, although he did have sex with girls in his younger days.
Mr Smith, from Washington state in the US, kept quiet about his secret fetish for years, but agreed to be interviewed as part of a channel Five documentary into “mechaphilia”. He is shown meeting other enthusiasts at a rally in California
Talking about how his unusual passion developed, Mr Smith said: “It’s something that grew as a part of me when I was a kid and I could not shake it.
“I just loved cute cars right from the beginning, but over the years it got stronger once I got into my teenage years and was my first having sexual urges.
“When I turned 13 and the famous Corvette Stingray came about, that car was pure sex and just an incredible machine. I wanted it.
“I didn’t fully understand it myself except that I know I’m not hurting anyone and I do not intend to.”
He added: “There are moments way out in the middle of nowhere when I see a little car parked and I swear it needs loving.
“There have been certain cars that attracted me and I would wait until night time, creep up to them and just hug and kiss them.
“As far as women go, they never really interested me much. And I’m not gay.”
Mr Smith is now part of a global community of more than 500 “car lovers” brought together by internet forums.
First the good news, he isn’t breeding.
Now the bad news, he likes to fondle stranger’s cars.
How would you like to wake up one morning and see some random dude in your driveway doing – actually, how the heck does he do that? – God knows what to your little sports car?
And even if you called the cops on him, what would the actual charge be? How could you even begin to explain it to the 911 operator.
“911, what’s that nature of your emergency?”
“There’s some guy having sex with my car.”
“There’s someone in your car having sex?”
“No, there’s someone ON my car having sex.”
“Do you know the person he’s having sex with?”
“There is no other person, like I said he’s having sex WITH my car.”
“Have you been drinking?”
You can see how this might take a while.
However, like he said, he’s not really harming anyone and he has no friends, so I guess we shouldn’t worry about him too much. On the other hand, there are at least 499 other people who are just like him, so maybe you should park your smooth ride in a garage, just to be safe. I know I wouldn’t want to clean that off one day.
Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!