It’s Nakee Time!

The annual Nude Hippo party at Great America is always good, family, fun.
The annual Nude Hippo party at Great America is always good, family, fun.
People have been getting naked in public ever since there was a public to get naked in. It had been a time honored way to have fun and make the occasional political protest. From the first Bacchanalia to Lady Godiva, history is littered with naked people. I would feel free to bet that you’ve been naked at some point in your life, even if not in public. And even if you were in public, you’re still not alone. Just Google naturist movement and the first thing you get is Wikipedia article offering you multiple choices on who you might wish to get naked with. Yes, there’s even one for devout Christians. See? Nobody has to be left out.

But -and you knew there was going to be a “but” didn’t you? – there is a time and a place for everything. Being naked on a beach? Both good and fun. Being naked in church? Only if you’re being baptized and you’re under the age of 1. Today we are going to take a peek at a few examples of how to do it wrong.

A teacher in Georgia decided to celebrate his new found love of transcendental meditation by showing his third eye to everyone in school.

A teacher who stripped off his clothes and walked naked around a Georgia elementary school gave cops a New Age explanation for his behavior, claiming that he had achieved a “new level of enlightenment” and “wanted everybody to be free now that his third eye was open,” according to a police report.

For allowing others to see his third eye last Friday afternoon at the B.C. Haynie Elementary School, Harlan Porter was charged with public indecency. The 31-year-old educator, pictured in the mug shot at right, was booked into the Clayton County Jail on the misdemeanor charge and released after posting $2000 bond.

Since Porter’s April 22 stroll–which came at about 3:20 PM–was not witnessed by any students, who had been dismissed, he avoided more serious charges.

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According to cops, fellow teachers reported that Porter “did not drink sodas or other canned beverages and maintained a strict vegan diet” and was not known to take drugs or drink alcohol. “However on the date in question they noticed that he was drinking a coke and had gone to taco bell to get tacos for lunch,” reported Officer Khari Reed.

It is unknown what role, if any, the Mexican delicacy may have played in Porter’s ill-advised decision to unveil his third eye, though Reed did note that the teacher “had recently learned that his employment contract would not be renewed.” Reed also reported that Porter had previously been “diagnosed schizophrenic,” though the school’s principal told cops the educator had never exhibited “strange behavior.”

Taco Bell made him do it? That gives a whole new spin on thinking outside the bun.

Even so, he still is in better shape than the guy who got naked on a NY subway, yelled profanities and then attacked a cop. There’s video of that mess if you’re inclined to click the link.

Of course no story about public nudity would be complete without an obligatory Florida reference. And, you know me well enough to know that I would never disappoint you. A man there was recently arrested after claiming to be King of the World.

Police in Florida’s Big Coppitt Key near Key West say a Pennsylvania man ran naked through the streets shouting about his apparent global royalty.

Someone apparently forgot to tell the local law enforcement about the ascension of 43-year-old Richard Gervasi to the world throne.

When deputies arrived, he allegedly charged after one… so cops called to the scene shot a taser at him.

But his majesty would not go down easy… in fact, after being tased, he pulled the taser prongs out of his skin and got up, according to KeysNet.com.

So they tased him again… and again.

Not surprisingly, police believe generous portions of alcohol and a helping of LSD played a role.

No, I blame Taco Bell.

But what about people who take the crap spewed by Dr. Phil seriously? Yes, there really are some. Jamie Gray tells about the guy who got naked in Idaho as part of his ‘therapy.’

A naked man was arrested walking down the street in the North End on Thursday night, just after 6:30 p.m.

Boise Police say 20-year-old Jonathan Palmer was walking in the area of 15th and Hill when they caught up with him. Lt. Kent Lipple says dispatchers received several calls from people saying they’d seen him.

Lipple says Palmer was not under the influence of drugs or alcohol, but rather, Palmer wanted to conquer his own fears and help the public conquer its fears too.

“He wanted to face his fear of being naked in public,” Lipple said.

According to Lipple, Palmer told arresting officers: “I want the public to understand it’s okay to see a naked man walk down the road.”

Lipple says the man was cooperative and articulate. Palmer was arrested on a misdemeanor public nudity charge.

See? Be nice to the cops and they’ll toss out the felony charges. No word on whether or not Mr. Lipple visited Taco Bell before his therapeutic epiphany.

Closer to home and also based on a personal form of therapy, Megan Craig tells about a woman who believed walking naked to a police station was a spiritual experience, literally.

A woman found standing naked outside the Gurnee Police Station told police that spirits told her to take her clothes off and walk to the police department, according to an official.

The 52-year-old local woman showed up at the department on O’Plaine Road at about 7:30 a.m. on May 23, said Gurnee Police Cmdr. Jay Patrick. Three officers found her standing at the southwest corner of the building.

The woman allegedly told the officer she was “awakened by the spirits in her apartment” and that they told her to remove her clothes before proceeding to the police facility, Patrick said.

One of the officers wrapped the woman in a blanket.

She was taken to Vista Medical Center East in Waukegan by the Gurnee Fire Department and voluntarily admitted herself for psychological evaluation, Patrick said.

Police are not releasing the woman’s name, since she wasn’t charged with a crime.

I’m sure our producers will be inviting her to our next annual Nude Hippo romp at Six Flags. After all, she’s already nearby. As is a Taco Bell.

However, there’s one guy who can’t blame Taco Bell. Sam Tyson tells a whimsical tale of a naked man who tried to rob a house while walking around with a computer mouse stuck in his butt.

A burglary call for Oconee County sheriff’s deputies turned bizarre Monday morning when their suspect was found naked with a USB-powered computer peripheral in his rectum and apparently drugged, an incident report shows.

Authorities responded to Bernwood Circle near the town of Seneca late Monday morning after a resident complained of a burglar. When deputies arrived, they found Noah Smith, 24, lying face down and naked inside the doorway of the victim’s home, the report stated.

When the deputy tried to make contact with Smith, he slapped the deputy. In return, the deputy deployed his taser, which had no effect on Smith, the report stated.

With reinforcements, deputies approached Smith again in the victim’s bedroom. A deputy managed to handcuff Smith before he jumped off the victim’s bed and tried to kick other deputies in the room, the report stated.

Then, according to the report, Smith was pepper sprayed. Undeterred, Smith continued to kick at the officers and otherwise evade capture. He was struck with a police baton several times, and Smith attempted to bite the deputy.

Smith’s head and mouth were covered with a blanket to prevent him from biting. He was wrestled down so shackles could be placed on his legs and his arms were hog-tied, the report stated. An EMS crew responded and provided a stretcher to which Smith was also tied.

Deputies and officers from the Seneca Police Department opined that Smith might have been high on mushrooms, and identified equipment that could be used to get high in the victim’s home.

During a medical exam at a nearby hospital, medical personnel found a USB cord hanging from Smith’s rectum. An X-ray revealed the culprit — a mouse — lodged inside Smith.

He told emergency room personnel that he could not remember what had happened to him.

After the medical exam, he was charged with resisting arrest, 1st and 3rd degree assault a battery charges, and indecent exposure. Smith was transported to the Oconee County Detention Center.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I occasionally like mushrooms on my tacos so, who knows, maybe our our intrepid nudist hit the .99¢ value menu before he headed out for his little date with destiny …. and tasers.

In case you aren’t getting enough nudity in your news, click here for highlights from Naked News, a truly inspirational news program that, sadly, has nothing to do with Taco Bell.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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