No Sex For You!

Some of my fondest memories happened in the restroom of the old Exit on Wells.
Some of my fondest memories happened in the restroom of the old Exit on Wells.
Although I’m old now, I have had sex. In fact I’ve had it more than once. To be blunt I have seen, experienced, fondled, and enjoyed, several women’s apocryphal 2,000 parts. And I would not be surprised to find out that you, yes – innocent little you, have done the mattress mambo with a member of the opposite sex, or of the same sex should you so be inclined. In case you haven’t, there’s a blog that details how to have sex. I don’t want you to feel left out. The point is that we’ve all done the nasty. At least all of the readers of this blog have. Last I checked we have three pastors following my posts, all married with children, but no priests, so I feel very confident in that statement.

However, if we live on a planet where the majority of people have had carnal relations with other people, we also live on a planet with a lot of stupid people. Our producer, an all around nice guy who pays me exorbitant amount of money to write this crap, noted Florida, the state where bestiality is legal but homosexuality isn’t, has finally gotten around to outlawing man/cow sex by outlawing sex between people.

As Rob Quinn reports, Florida has elected a bunch of morons and deserves whatever they get.

Florida lawmakers with a poor grasp of taxonomy appear to have accidentally outlawed all sex in the state, according to the Southern Fried Scientist. The recently passed law banning bestiality outlaws “knowing sexual conduct or sexual contact with an animal”—and since humans are technically animals, consenting adults in Florida will soon be banned from having sex unless their act conforms to “certain husbandry, conformation judging, and veterinary practices,” the science blogger writes.

Florida politicians may be a little slow but they haven’t forgotten that humans are animals, too, counters the Miami New Times. After Gov. Rick Scott signs the bestiality ban into law, it will enter the chapter of Florida law that deals with crimes against animals, which defines animals as “every living dumb creature”—a definition that presumably excludes all human Floridians.

Just read the phrase “certain husbandry, conformation judging, and veterinary practices” and shiver. What that means is that, as long as you’re being mated for the good of the herd, you’re good. Who knew Florida was run by Scientologists?

Just imagine the following moment in Miami;

“Hi, I’m Officer Jimmy-Bob O’deen Thornton and I’m here to see if you’re having sex.”

“Why, no officer, my wife and I are completely naked in different rooms masturbating to National Geographic’s spider videos.”

“Well, that’s okay then. Carry on!”

“But, officer, tomorrow my wife is being used as breeding stock for the good of the state. Would you like to participate?”

“That’s mighty kind of you sir. I’ll make sure to bathe.”

In other words, all of the bad things you’ve heard about Florida are true.

This just in, Rico Da Body has sold his home in South Beach.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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