All Roads Lead to Jail

Honest I swear, I'm innocent.
Honest I swear, I'm innocent.
We’ve all done some stupid things in our lives. It’s why some of us have stories about going to a party in Kansas City and waking up in Denver. Or, in one of our more whimsical moments, we’ve found ourselves naked outside the Adler Planetarium, on top of a police car, engaged in carnal relations with someone whose name has long since been forgotten. And, sure, I know we’ve all had one of those Kodak moments wherein we thought it was a good idea to bust out our best Lambada moves at a funeral. Oh, quit hemming and hawing, you know you have. In other words, we all have wonderful stories we can use to send our grandkids to years of therapy. Heck, if we play our cards right we can toss the neighbor’s kids in too. I hear Shrinks-R-Us has a group rate. Make sure to check with your HMO.

But the one thing most of our anecdotes have in common is the fact we didn’t end up in jail explaining to a judge how our life had gone so suddenly wrong. For example, Kara Mitchell is now explaining to a judge why she was stripping for tombstones.

Police in Arizona said a woman spotted dancing naked in a cemetery was arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure.

Mesa police said Kara Mitchell was seen removing her top and dancing Friday morning at the Mesa Cemetery, and she removed her pants after a few minutes and continued to dance, The Arizona Republic reported Tuesday.

Mitchell was seen dancing by cemetery employees and visitors.

Police said Mitchell put her clothes back on and was then spotted talking to herself in the administrative office. She was in a cemetery golf cart when officers arrived.

Police said no children were present at the time.

Suspicion of indecent exposure? What would it take to convince them?

Oh well, she’s just being silly, not criminal. Well, at least not felony criminal. Joe Price tried to rob a bank, forgot to bring a bag and, well, you just have to read the rest.

Authorities in Florida said a would-be bank robber failed in his attempt because he did not bring his own money bag to the heist.

The Okeechobee County Sheriff’s Office said Joseph Price, 61, handed a note to a teller at the PNC Bank in Okeechobee shortly after 2:30 p.m. Friday demanding a sack full of cash, reported Tuesday.

However, Price left empty-handed after the teller told him she did not have a bag, investigators said.

The sheriff’s office said Price left the scene on a bicycle and was apprehended within 7 minutes.

“This man was apprehended very quickly,” Sheriff Paul May said. “A good description was given by bank personnel, [the lieutenant] was in the right place and the suspect is in jail, which is the right place for him.”

Price was taken to the Okeechobee County Jail on a charge of attempted bank robbery. He was ordered held without bail.

I see a psyche evaluation in this man’s future. Trying to borrow a bag from a bank teller you’re robbing is like trying to borrow bullets from an opposing army. It’s not going to go well for you.

But, the epitome of embarrassment has to be what happened to 71 year old Delton Gorges; the judge explained in open court exactly how gay he was. Well, more accurately, is.

A Wisconsin judge told a former school bus driver who admitted sexually assaulting a child he is “gayer than a sweet-smelling jockstrap.”

Judge Philip Kirk gave Delton Gorges, 71, seven years in prison followed by 15 years of supervised release, the Appleton Post-Crescent reported.

Kirk made his comments in Gorges’ sentencing hearing Monday in Waupaca County, WLUK-TV in Green Bay reported. Kirk said Gorges’ life, including marriage and fatherhood, was “all a lie.”

“I think you were born gayer than a sweet-smelling jockstrap,” Kirk said. “I think that if anyone believes that in the last 10 years or 15 years all of a sudden you developed an interest in homosexuality and young boys, then I must have looked ravishing in my prom dress this year,” Kirk said.

Gorges’ lawyer, Tom Johnson, said the judge has a reputation for saying what is on his mind. He suggested Kirk’s “unconventional” comments were an effort to find out why Gorges did what he did.

Kirk talked about how difficult life was for gays in Wisconsin in the 1940s and 1950s when “no one knew there was a closet to come out of.”

But, other than that, I’m sure everything went just fine.

Anyway kids, I’m sure you get the idea. Make sure to have bail money, a lawyer on speed dial and then have at it. There’s a Lambada waiting for you nearby.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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