No, Dude, Dat’s Nachu Cheez

I like a cheese. Maybe you do too. It’s a wonderful product. For example, a cheeseburger just wouldn’t be the same without it. There are lots of fun recipes you may never have thought of that make cheese fun. Cheese is also the source of numerous harmless adjectives, such as everyone’s favorite, “cheesy.” There are even some, probably very lonely, people who write poems to cheese. And, if you noticed the picture to the left, then you know that cheese wrestling is fast becoming America’s fastest growing family sport. In other words, cheese has something for everyone.

But for some people cheese is more than just a dairy byproduct. As my buddy rodco pointed out to me today, cheese will prompt some people to commit a felony. Andy Grimm at the Chicago Tribune has the official story.

What do you call cheese that’s not yours?

Stolen.

Michael Richards learned that punchline Saturday after, according to authorities, he scuffled with a 7-Eleven cashier on Chicago’s Near West Side who tried to stop him from helping himself to the nacho fixings.

Richards, 50, of the 9400 block of South Burnside Avenue, bought a bag of chips from the store, then began pumping hot cheese from the toppings bar into the open bag, authorities said. But the cashier warned him that the nacho toppings bar is for use only by customers who purchased tortilla chips served in the traditional plastic tray, according to court records.

Richards continued to add zest to his chips as he threatened the cashier, authorities said. When the cashier tried to stop him, he grabbed and twisted her arm, then fled the store in the 1300 block of Souith Halsted Street, according to court records.

The cashier called police, and Richards was arrested about two blocks away. On Sunday, after spending the night in jail, Richards stood before Cook County Judge James Brown in bond court, facing felony charges.

“So what was stolen was … the cheese?” asked the judge, casting a quizzical gaze at Assistant State’s Attorney Dan Piwowarczyk.

“The defendant was informed that it was ‘not yo’ cheese,’ ” deadpanned the prosecutor.

Brown set Richards’ bond at $10,000, though the judge did note that the sum was not a lot of cheddar for a felony charge.

“That’s very low bond for a robbery,” Brown said as Richards was escorted from the courtroom.

Seriously? This dude’s 50 years old and he assaulted a minimum wage worker so he could steal cheese?

WHY OH WHY DID WE GET RID OF THE DEATH PENALTY???

Just FYI, Michael Richards the cheese felon is not the same Michael Richards who starred in that godawful sitcom, Seinfeld. Although, considering how far he’s fallen out of the public eye since then, he might want to consider this as a career move.

But, I don’t want you to leave this column all bummed out, so here’s a music video from a Filipino band named Mottaka about kaleidoscopes and cheese.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!