Here Kitty Kitty

I’m a cat owner. My three kitties are the fun part of my life. You can talk to cats unlike any way you could talk to a human. “Who’s a fwuffy buddy? Who’s my kewt witto fwend?” will get a quick call to 911 if you try that on a lady in a bar. Yet cats will think this is the most intelligent thing they’ve ever heard. Sadly, in my home, this is true. One of my cats, proving that I am the perfect human for it, is a fan of flatulence. My oldest cat used to hide in closets until my wife left. Now, for reasons unknown, she is one of the most gregarious animals I’ve ever met. She likes to sit behind my head when I’m on the computer and purr. Oddly enough, this makes my day go by much smoother. My last kitty is a dwarf. She’ll never be more than the 4 pounds she is now yet she’s hell on wheels. She likes to climb everything (yay, I have 4 bookcases) and wants to be petted every third nanosecond. Even so, she knows how to fetch, heel and come at the call of her name.

Actually, all three will pop up and land at my feet if I call them by name.

I’ve been blessed by having my cats live long lives. My cat Uhurah fell ill and had to be put to sleep, but she was 17 then. Teagan and Orlando, 2 cats you’ve never met, lived to 22 and 24 respectively. And, yes, they had very good lives and a lot of fun until the very end.

But, with all their disparate personalities, it was only a matter of time before someone tried to make sense of them. As David Moye reports, when cats have problems, it’s usually their owner’s fault.

If you have a cat from hell, Jackson Galaxy may be the guy who can get little Mittens to start acting normal.

Well, normal as a cat can be, anyway.

Galaxy is the star of the new Animal Planet show “My Cat From Hell,” which debuts May 7. The show features him helping owners of some very stressed-out cats who, in turn, are stressing out their owners in the grossest ways imaginable.

“One of my clients was a big guy who moved in with his girlfriend who already had the cat,” Galaxy told AOL Weird News. “He was trying to be understanding of the cat — until it started peeing in his mouth while sleeping.”

Although Galaxy is a cat lover, he concedes the idea of drinking cat urine while snoozing is unpleasant.

“However, the hardest part was getting the guy to calm down,” he said. “I understood why he was upset, but, to me, the real issue was what was coming out of the guy’s mouth that made the cat want to urinate.”

The solution turned out to be a real snoozer: Galaxy recommended the client go through a sleep study and, sure enough, the man had sleep apnea and snored very loudly.

Jackson Galaxy, star of the new Animal Planet show, ‘My Cat From Hell,’ makes his living trying to figure out what makes cats crazy and then nipping it in the bud.

If you have a cat from hell, Jackson Galaxy may be the guy who can get little Mittens to start acting normal.

Well, normal as a cat can be, anyway.

Galaxy is the star of the new Animal Planet show “My Cat From Hell,” which debuts May 7. The show features him helping owners of some very stressed-out cats who, in turn, are stressing out their owners in the grossest ways imaginable.

“One of my clients was a big guy who moved in with his girlfriend who already had the cat,” Galaxy told AOL Weird News. “He was trying to be understanding of the cat — until it started peeing in his mouth while sleeping.”

Although Galaxy is a cat lover, he concedes the idea of drinking cat urine while snoozing is unpleasant.

“However, the hardest part was getting the guy to calm down,” he said. “I understood why he was upset, but, to me, the real issue was what was coming out of the guy’s mouth that made the cat want to urinate.”

The solution turned out to be a real snoozer: Galaxy recommended the client go through a sleep study and, sure enough, the man had sleep apnea and snored very loudly.

“The noise scared the cat and he was trying to wake the guy up because he thought something was wrong,” Galaxy said.

In case you’re wondering, that story will not be featured “My Cat From Hell,” but Galaxy believes it illustrates a point beyond the obvious one that cat urine is vile.

“We need to better understand cats,” he said. “The problem, I think, is that we think of them in terms of a species and not as individuals. That approach might work occasionally, but it’s like that idea that if you put 100 monkeys with 100 computers, one of them will eventually type Shakespeare.

“I believe that if I can find the stress, I can solve the problem,” he added.

Galaxy has used that approach to great success, despite not being a vet or having certified cat expert credentials.

“Becoming a cat behavior expert was the last thing on my mind,” he said. “It was a necessity thing. I was working at an animal shelter and had to figure out how to address cat issues so they could be adopted.”

Galaxy, who works as a musician when not saving cats from themselves, has read many books on the feline species, but credits his musical training for helping him have a good ear for “cat-speak.”

“As an artist, I was never the most technically gifted, but I was a good writer because I was a good observer of the human condition,” he said. “I can make the right story.”

First off, he says. is correcting the plot.

“Cats are considered to be aloof and separate — that’s what attracted them to me. But that is really anthropomorphism, giving them human characteristics where they have none,” he said. “I think the reason why people think that cats are more aloof than dogs is because dogs have been socialized to mirror the facial expressions of their owners to get food.

“A dog makes a face that we interpret as ‘sad’ or ‘happy’ because they know it gets them food,” he said.

Galaxy’s job is to be a sort of pussycat shrink, but, in many cases, it’s the owners who need help more.

“One of my clients was a woman who blamed her cat for breaking up every relationship,” he said. “Apparently, the sex noises freaked out the cat and he would maul the guys.

“This kept happening, so, obviously, it was her making the noises, not the guys — but she wouldn’t answer that directly, and I didn’t want to go there either.

“However, the big question was, ‘Why was she leaving the door open anyway?’ And psychology suggests she didn’t really want a boyfriend.”

But many of Galaxy’s cat lady clients do want boyfriends — specifically him.

“I’ve twice been called up by women who want me to help them know their cats better,” he said, adding that he is known for his many feline tattoos. “Both women kept trying to get a better look at my cat tattoos. One even said, ‘I love this particular tattoo, I’d love to oil it up so I can see it better.'”

“I’ve gotten better at detecting those types. I can tell right away now.”

See? I learned something. When cats pee in your mouth, they’re worried about you. I have no idea why I hadn’t thought of that before.

Probably because I was gagging at the thought.

Nevertheless, it’s good to know that a dedicated professional is dealing with these hot button issues.

Now all we have to do is find out who named him Jakcson Galaxy and lock that person in sack full of demented cats.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!