Dear God How I Love Florida!

The road less traveled? How about the path unseen?
The road less traveled? How about the path unseen?
I like finding the obvious. It makes my job easier. I can concentrate on feeding my fish and my cats, though not to each other, and perusing the latest sports scores before I type one letter here at Nude Hippo.

Today I’ve discovered that there’s something in the water in Florida, and I’m not just talking about the brackish waters in swamps. I’m serious. These people must be infected by some sort of stupidity virus. Sure, there are stupid people everywhere. I bet you’ve even run into a few at work or at Little League games. But they are the exception, not the rule. In Florida, the family values state where homosexuality is on its way to being illegal while bestiality is still legal (well, that explains Orlando’s mouse fetish), it seems this is the home of the incredibly dense. How bad is it? When you look up the word “obtuse” in your dictionary, there’s nothing but a map of Florida.

Nuff said.

For example, on the family values front, Brian Hamacher tells the heartwarming tale of a nice young lady who tried to buy her 80 year old dad a hooker for Easter.

Because nothing signifies rising from the dead like … oh, never mind.

A woman in Tampa may have figured she’d found a better Easter gift for her elderly father than a basket of candy: a tryst with a prostitute.

Pia Kirchberg, 51, and father Maurice Kirchberg, 80, were both arrested over the holiday weekend after the daughter allegedly tried to buy dear old dad a hooker, according to

Cops were conducting a sting in an area of Tampa known for prostitution when the younger Kirchberg went looking for a pretty woman.

But police say the father-daughter pair, whose hometown is Dubuque, Iowa, wasn’t looking to spend big. Pia Kirchberg allegedly offered an undercover officer just $20 to have sex with her father, according to the report.

Both were charged with soliciting prostitution and released on $250 bond. They were two of eight people busted in the sting.

“Prostitution is illegal. It doesn’t matter how old you are,” police spokeswoman Laura McElroy said. “If we catch you trying to solicit a prostitute, you’re going to jail.”

You go there Mrs. Barney Fife.

Actually, I’m kind of split on this one. If, at 80, your pappy wants a little carnal carnival for the day, it sure beats giving him flowers or candy. But, c’mon, call an escort service and get a real pro. It’s your dad for cry-yi.

Not that I’d know the difference or anything.

Nevertheless, do you need a reason to party? Todd Wright says the best reason in Florida is being the first person ever to be bitten by an American crocodile.

No, I can’t make this stuff up and nor do I have to.

A Florida Keys couple is poised to make the history books, although today they are simply celebrating the fact that they are alive.

Mike Gregory and Leigha Poulson may soon hold the dubious distinction of being the first people in the state to ever be attacked by the elusive American crocodile.

“I think it’s cool. Kind of made history a little bit,” Gregory said. “We’re lucky to be alive.”

While state officials are trying to confirm the alleged attack, which happened Thursday morning in the Upper Keys, the couple says they have the bite and scratch marks to prove it.

Gregory, 23, and 20-year-old Poulson were kayaking at around 3:30 a.m. after a night of partying when they’re vessel was flipped, they said.

As they scrambled to get back to the kayak, each was bitten on the leg. Poulson also suffered scratch marks on her side.
“I was saying how pretty it was out there and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else because I am from Ohio and then the boat just flipped,” said Poulson, who moved to the Keys to study marine biology at Florida Keys Community College. “I was screaming ‘Oh my God!'”

Pictures of the attack were sent to the “Croc Doc,” Frank Mazzotti, a biologist at the University of Florida Research and Education Center in Davie. He said no other animal could have caused such damage.

“That area is almost all crocodiles. On very rare occasions an alligator may stray into there,” Mazzotti said. “Nine out of 10 times it would be a croc in that area. It’s possible that it may have been an alligator, but that’s going out on a limb to say that.”

Crocodiles usually roam in the brackish, salt water in the Keys, while alligators set up territory further inland in the fresh water.

Poulson and Gregory thought they might have stumbled on another marine animal that night.

“We thought we might have hit a manatee and gotten bruised up,” Gregory told the Florida Keynoter.

“We made it back to the house and we got into the light,” he said. “We looked at each other and we’re bleeding like crazy.”

American crocodiles were once on the verge of extinction and are still classified as a threatened species.

Unlike people’s usually view of the croc based off the prehistoric-looking, aggressive saltwater crocodiles of Africa, American crocs are fairly shy and prefer flight over a fight, Mazzotti said.

He said Thursday’s incident wasn’t by a man-eating predator, but a scared reptile who was minding its own business.

“I wouldn’t describe it as an attack. It was an escape attempt by the crocodile,” Mazzotti said. “They are not grabbing you
to eat you. They are giving a warning, ‘Don’t mess with me.'”

Well, I guess it’s nice to know that after all those folks were looking for an American croc, someone was nice enough to find one. But I think a Kodak moment would have sufficed.

Then again, I don’t live in Florida.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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