Proof that Twitter’s for the Birds

Not since the shih tzu has there been a worse name for an animal.
Not since the shih tzu has there been a worse name for an animal.
I have a Twitter account. You have a Twitter account. If you don’t, you know someone who does. If you don’t, why are you on the Internet?

I kid. You’re as welcome to prostitute Al Gore’s great invention to your heart’s content as any other miscreant who has access to a library computer.

Nevertheless, allow me to be the first to point out that Twitter’s completely useless. Of all the articles I’ve posted, not one has gotten has gotten a response. I’ll give you an example, if I post “The Catholic Church has a UFO in the Vatican, click here to find out more” you can hear crickets chirping as far away as Utah. If, however, I post “I like big boobs” I’ll get hundreds of responses ranging from pro-fake to pro-natural.

I’m a natural kind of guy in case you’re wondering what to get me for my birthday this year.

What it comes down to is the fact that Twitter followers don’t read. If they can’t fathom the whole thing in 140 characters or less, they don’t care. Thus, it becomes fun to follow @RichardRoeper, @SerenaWilliams, @VickyVette (a milf porn star I happen to know) or @Ochocinco and so on because it’s kind of cool to think you’re in the loop on their lives, but no one pays attention to anything non-celebrity related or intelligently written.

One side note, just because you follow someone on Twitter doesn’t mean you’re going to get any holiday cards from them. They’re not really your friend. If you can’t grasp that, get medical help.

As a counterpoint, anything I post with links on Facebook or MySpace (yes, the 3 people who still use My Space are still around) will get multiple responses and reposts when the article’s actually worth reading.

So it comes as no surprise to me that a group of birds have more followers on Twitter than most churches. As Helen A. S. Popkin, yes that’s her real name, reports, a flock of tomtits has their own Twitter page.

For as long as a lot of people who use the Internet can remember, nerds strived to combine beloved bacon and technology into something beyond the pedestrian clogging of our arteries. From the butch — but basically useless — BA-KA-47 to the dubious support of the bacon bra, all efforts are spectacular, but in the end, really pretty dumb.

Until now.

Voldemars Dudum, bird lover and writer at Latvian weekly magazine Ir, screwed unsalted bacon fat cubes (aka “suet”) to a keyboard hooked up to Twitter and set it up on a windowsill with a webcam, inviting the local Tomtits of Sarnate village to a winter-long tweet n’ eat.

Tomtit. What? Stop giggling. That’s an actual kind of a bird — in the family of the Australian Robin. The Tomtit is small, with a short bill but a big head — all the better to tweet with, my dear. They’re also illiterate, as these examples from the @hungry_birds Twitter stream reveal:

Apologies if this is actually Tomtit for, “had suet for breakfast … watching Glee tonight.”

Even if it is nonsense, it’s all good to the more than 3,000 followers of the @hungry_birds Twitter stream, as well as Dudum, who says, “Yes, one may say it is quite silly, but if you look at what people sometimes say on Twitter, then the tomtits’ messages are still OK.”

Unfortunately for would-be followers @hungry_birds and those who’d like to catch some live Tomtit suet cam are out of luck for the season. Spring has returned to Sarnate, and the birds, who haven’t tweeted since April 13, seem to have gone back to their insectivore ways.

Either that, or they’re trying to cut back on cholesterol.

Okay, I must applaud the use of bacon. Speaking as someone who has eaten bacon ice cream it’s hard for me to criticize this. But, let’s be blunt, this is just more proof that Twitter is the modern equivalent of the pet rock.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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