Weddings and Parties Ain’t What They Used to Be

Oh joy, can you handle the fun we're not having?
Oh joy, can you handle the fun we're not having?
Little Billy and his witto Kitty Kat are getting married in a few days. The level of excitement my friends and I feel about this historical event can be measured in a thimble with plenty of room for a thumb left over. Whenever one of these fantasy weddings occurs the results are sadly predictable. How predictable, you ask? Well, yesterday one of those annoying entertainment shows on TV announced they were going to talk to four women who were flying to England to be part of the spectacle. I made a bet that all four would be between 35 and 45 years old and painfully white. In order, they were 36, 43, 39 and 42. All four were so pale they were almost transparent. And all four, much to the chagrin of men everywhere, opined about how it was going to be the most fantabulously gosh golly perfect wedding in the history of history. Cinderella got 9 mentions for comparison.

Why do men hate this? Because we never think about this crap. Get us a suit, a minister or priest and make sure there’s beer when everyone shuts up and we’re fine. Ah, who am I kidding? We can hit the drive thru chapel and call it a day. It’s not that men aren’t romantic, it’s just that we tend to be more private about it. We’ll buy you flowers (when we remember), take you to dinner, suffer through the occasional chick flick and we’ll love you forever, but we aren’t really thrilled by playing Barbie’s Biggest Dress Up Day.

Worse, as Molly Fergus reports, really stupid people lose their ever loving minds.

Prince William and his princess in waiting, Kate Middleton, have already received plenty of odd wedding gifts.

Now, with wedding bells set to ring in just four days, the hubbub surrounding the nuptials is growing curiouser and curiouser.

In Mexico City, a 19-year-old fasted for more than two weeks to score a trip to the royal wedding next weekend, AFP reports.

Estibalis Chavez camped outside of the British Embassy and refused to eat through much of February. Eventually, an anonymous donor offered to send her to the U.K. for the ceremony.

Chavez lost 17 pounds during the fast.

Extraterrestrials will also be on high alert during the ceremony, AOL News reports.

Retired Air Force major George Filer says it’s typical to see UFOs appear during important global events — sightings have been reported near Libya and Japan recently — so he expects onlookers to spot a few around Westminster Abbey on April 29.

Moreover, Filer told AOL News that extraterrestrial activity has been picking up in the U.K., citing UFO sightings recently over the British Channel.

One has to wonder if NASA is in on the outer space action.

The shuttle Endeavor’s final mission is scheduled for April 29 — the very same day that Will and Kate tie the knot, according to AFP.

Bill Gerstenmaier, NASA associate administrator for space operations, said the royal nuptials were not a determining factor in when the shuttle would launch. Rather, the initial mission was scheduled for April 19, then postponed 10 days.
“I haven’t yet put on our manifest charts ‘wedding constraints’ so we did not factor that in,” he told the AFP.

Gerstenmaier better get in the game. What fun are truth and facts when he could have easily gone on TV and, time zones be darned, said “The staff here at NASA can think of no greater way to show how upset we are that the U.S. won the Revolutionary War than by spending billions of American taxpayers’ dollars of a rocket.”

NASA needs pub? That’d do it.

But, as polluted as weddings are becoming, less a public commitment of mutual love and more a grotesque spectacle of taffeta clad nightmares, it seems that another tradition is taking a hit. No longer accepting that some people want to have fun, Reuters is reporting that the Russian Orthodox Church completely misses the point and wants nightclubs to have books instead of booze.

Yeah, like any of us stand a chance of picking up a sober chick.

Russian revellers can now swap vodka and dancing for tea and reading at new “spiritual nightclubs” being set up by Orthodox Church, media said on Monday quoting a top religious official. In the latest suggestion by the increasingly powerful Church, youths will be able to “have the opportunity for serious dialogue, reading, unhurried conversation so they can have a cup of tea,” said Archpriest Vsevolod Chaplin.

“A nightclub does not have to be a place where debauchery, boozing and drug addiction reign,” said Chaplin, who added that the Church-inspired clubs will stay open till 5 a.m. like most of Russia’s drinking holes.

Endorsed by Russia’s leaders as the country’s main faith, the Orthodox Church has grown increasingly powerful since the collapse of the officially atheist Soviet Union in 1991.

Its efforts to influence education and secular life have drawn criticism from rights groups and members of minority faiths. Russia’s 20 million Muslims make up a seventh of the country’s population.

Chaplin outraged feminists earlier this year when he said women should dress more modestly and refrain from walking down the street “painted like a clown.”

I don’t see the problem. Every party should have a clown. Besides, has he seen the wedding dress Kate’s going to be wearing? She’s going to look like a little kid dragging a goofy sheet behind her.

Oh well, it’s hump day, so now’s as good a time as any to get this party started.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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