Do You Need Some Woo When You #2?

If you're someone who has the sudden urge to do your laundry while doing your business, science has you covered.
If you're someone who has the sudden urge to do your laundry while doing your business, science has you covered.
I know you don’t come here to learn anything but are forced to on occasion anyway. Never anything useful, I’m not cruel, but still something you can talk about after your regular conversation crashes.

“Hi honey, how was your day?”

“Fine. And your’s?”

“Fine.”

(unhealthy pause)

“So, have you seen the new, musical, toilets?”

See? You’re right back in the swing of things.

Before we sing a song of sewage let’s catch everyone up on the history of the flush toilet. Despite popular belief the modern flush toilet was not invented by Thomas Crapper. Nor was it invented by anyone named John. Nope, the original flush toilet was invented and developed simultaneously in ancient Rome, Egypt, India and Pakistan. In Wilbur Smith’s historical fiction, River God, there’s a scene where Pharaoh is introduced to the first flushing toilet and is so enthralled with it that he makes one of his wives demonstrate its use in front of the court. While crude by our standards, it still worked on the same principle; it removed sewage from the home and deposited it elsewhere safely. In this case, the Nile where it would work as fertilizer.

We’ve come a long way since those heady, halcyon, days of toilet technology. There are now over 100 different kinds of toilets ranging from the common house flusher, that we all know and love, to toilets that can measure your blood pressure and provide and instant analysis of your end products.

Some of those even provide a printout so people can compare results. With whom is not made clear and I, personally, don’t want to know.

Now, Phil Lamarr of YAHOO! News is announcing that Kohler has taken toilet technology to a whole new level. I’m including his link becasue he has some great video of the toilet in action (but not in use, so don’t panic). However he tries very hard to be funny and, to be blunt, fails miserably. So if you watch with the sound off you should be fine.

Nevertheless this toilet, called the numi, is a wonder to behold. With an asking price of $6,300.00 it’d better be.

It has a pulsing bidet function that can be controlled by the user via a handy remote that comes with their purchase. Given the many options, especially the ‘thrusting wave’ function, there may be some women who’ll never leave their bathrooms again.

It also has a nice music selection that you can access to help you relax while you relieve yourself. And, if you want, there’s a docking port so you can play your own MP3 collection. I mean, after all, who among us hasn’t had that uncomfortable moment where we couldn’t go go without Gaga?

It also comes with mood lighting, an air dryer, a foot warmer, a deodorizer and a motion activated lid so you don’t have to sully yourself with the lowly act of actually touching the toilet.

While all of this may be good news for most of us, it’s not such a great idea for purveyors of elephant poop products. They want their poop on the ground the way God intended. As Monica Garske reports, there is a burgeoning market for paper made from poop.

Finding your desk covered in animal dung doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

When it’s in stationery form, at least.

Whenever entrepreneur Michael Flancman talks about his business, there’s usually an elephant in the room. That’s because he runs the Great Elephant Poo Poo Paper Co., a unique, environmentally conscious company based in Thailand that specializes in turning elephant dung into paper goods and stationery.

On any given day, Thailand-based entrepreneur Michael Flancman can be found scooping up elephant or cow poo at conservation parks and farms. He uses the droppings to make paper goods and stationery for his company, the Great Elephant Poo Poo Paper Co.

Here’s how it works: Every week, Flancman and a team of employees visit elephant conservation parks near Chiang Mai to collect naturally dried elephant droppings.

After the poo is gathered, Flancman said it’s carefully rinsed with water, leaving only the fibrous materials from the grasses, bamboo and fruits the elephants have eaten but couldn’t digest.

Then, Flancman said, those fibers are thrown into a giant pot of boiling water to ensure an even more thorough cleansing and sterilization, leaving the fibers primed and ready to be made into paper.

Once additional fibers from pineapple plants and trees are thrown into the all-natural mix to add thickness, Flancman said his team separates the moist pulp into small cakes that are then spread over a mesh-bottomed tray and left out to dry naturally under the sun for several hours.

Once dry, the cakes transform into sheets of paper, and Flancman and his crew are able to peel them off the tray and start making Poo Poo Paper products.

He said this tedious handmade process is repeated often, and in the end, the paper comes out sturdy and oatmeal-colored without a hint of stinkiness.

I get it, it’s eco-friendly, recycling in its purest form and all that. I still don’t see me rushing to WalMart to grab a ream. But hey, if poo poo paper is your thing it’s nice to know you’re not alone. It’s also nice to know you’re not me.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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