Lawyers, to me, are like other people’s intestinal bacteria; necessary, but not something I want to hang out with. Nevertheless, we live in a world where every action requires legal counsel. It’s why we see warning labels that were clearly written by someone who’s spent their life surrounded by idiots. From the package of a letter opener that says, “Caution: Safety goggles recommended,” to the label on a baby stroller that has a small storage pouch which reads, “Do not put child in bag,” to the T-shirt transfer warning that says, “Do not iron while wearing shirt,” to the small tractor which has a warning label that reads, “Danger: Avoid Death” (always good advice), we’re encompassed by people who think we’re morons. And it’s easy to see why. Lawyers are the one subset of humanity that deals exclusively with people who are stupid enough to get caught in the first place. And most times their inevitable capture does not require a whole lot of deductive reasoning or even much effort.
For example; police in Ontario recently arrested a topless, 58 year old, woman after she hit a bus with her car. Police said she was distracted because her pet bird was flying loose in the vehicle. That story raises so many questions that I really don’t want answers to that I’ll just move on.
Then there’s the nice waiter who works for a Florida Olive Garden who switched a toddler’s sippy cup of pineapple juice for a sippy cup of sangria. It only took a nanosecond for police and lawyers to be all over this one.
Memo to parents: since the requirements to work in national chain restaurants clearly stop at “able to walk upright” make sure to check anything presented to your child before they eat or drink it.
Or better yet, eat at home.
But it isn’t just the criminals who give us pause. Nope, a judge at the International Court in the Hauge just ruled that attorneys can not cross dress in court. Specifically she ruled that the lawyers can not wear powdered wigs in her court. For some reason the sight of men wearing long black dresses (sure they claim they’re robes but we know better) and poofy white George Washington wigs was not earning the respect of the defendants.
I can’t imagine why not.
In Romania a lawmaker has been asked to stop moonwalking on TV and doing comedic impressions of living sportscasters and dead dictators in court. Because, in a country where lawyers and politicians still wear purple to ward off evil on certain days and the main tourist attraction is vampires, they can’t have people not taking their parliamentary proceedings seriously.
But the highlight of our day comes from Florida where police arrested a busload of pimps and hookers for prostitution and other illegal activities. You might be wondering how many countless hours the, poor and abused, taxpayers were billed for when you consider the amount of time required to research each case, set up each sting, make all the arrests and so on. You’ll be pleased to know that, while it took them a couple of days to round everybody up, the actual research and set up time was equal to a lunch break. It seems all of these criminal masterminds had posted ads on BackPage.com. Really subtle ones like “I’ll have sex with you for $100.” The cops just sent out a few emails and had some fun. Make sure to click the link to see the mug shots. One of the prostitutes was 5 months pregnant and looked like me in drag and another was a guy with breast implants.
You might want to keep this story in mind the next time you hit a web site looking for a playmate.
As you can see, lawyers and their clients are a perversion of the human genome that needs to be dealt with. Maybe we can ship them off to a deserted island somewhere to fend for themselves or, better yet, just shoot them into space and let them colonize the first uninhabited world they find.
Either way would work for me.
Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!