Another Column About Nothing

A Whole Lot of This.
A Whole Lot of This.
It was a lovely night. For the first time in a long time I slept with my windows open and the heat turned off. I woke up feeling relaxed and happy. Much to my continuing joy, none of my cats were doing anything insane. I realized that I still had half a pack of smokes so I didn’t have to rush to the local store. And, bonus for me, I had a fresh pot of coffee. Everyone knows I’m not nice without my coffee. Bonus for you, I made arrangements yesterday so that every Sunday will feature an article from Ian O’Neill at Discover Magazine so you kids can catch up on the wild world of science. In other words, today was shaping up to be a great day.

Until, that is, my little search spiders came in with the latest news we could use. While some of it was fascinating in the abstract, there really wasn’t much to write about. I’ll give you an example; Jacques Guillet bought a 300 foot ferry for $162,000 to turn into a portable dorm for college students. Unfortunately he didn’t check on the logistics of his move and is now being forced to sell the ferry. Which, like everyone who’s been in a similar position has done, he’s doing on e-Bay. There have been no bids.

Yeah, I’m all tingle trying to figure out how to turn that into a full column.

Or, how about the fascinating world of spiders? Charles Q. Choi at National Geographic reports that male spiders lose their sex organs after mating and then became great warrior spiders. Well, I’d be a little irritable and start beating people up if someone ripped off my privates after a pleasant evening of frolicsome fornication.

I bet you would too.

In a similar vein, a Harrisburg police arrested a naked, drunken, judge who was wrapped in a blanket. Yeah, you can make a pig in a blanket joke, but then what?

Maybe you could work something out of a woman who found a nest of baby squirrels in the engine of her car. If so, please allow me to introduce you to our producer, since he’s always looking for talented writers.

Or maybe you could be the one who turns Donald Glover’s cell phone pics of a couple having sex in a bank into something useful and interesting. Sure he’s the star of Community, but who cares?

I know I don’t.

I’ll grant that we could spend some time making fun of a census taker in Wyoming who was finally able to tell the difference between 1 and 4. I guess the ability to count isn’t required of census takers in Wyoming. But, really, could anyone stretch that into a full column?

I actually tried, but Wyoming’s a pretty boring place.

Oh look! Horses. And more horses. And a stupid census taker. And some more horses.

Then there’s the fun story reported by Spencer Kornhaber about the fake massage parlor inspector who demanded to be rubbed down while nude and got away with it for a while. The only shocking thing in that story, besides the apparent gullibility of legitimate massage therapists, is that it didn’t happen in Chicago.

Steven Hoffer has a deeply meaningful story about a guy who uses a toilet as a flower pot.

Sure, it’s in Tennessee, but that just makes it more painfully obvious.

So, as you can see, I had nothing to write about today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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