Your Airsickness Bag is Behind Your Copy of Sky Magazine

I’m not sure if anyone really likes to fly. Oh, sure, we like arriving in new places full of treats for the mind and stomach, or being able to visit friends and so on, but the actual act of being anally probed and prodded prior to being strapped into a tiny chair while being forced to listen to someone (there’s always one) loudly discuss their painful goiters or oozing sores just isn’t all that pleasant. When I was a kid, airplanes had smoking sections, full meals and service that was above reproach. Somehow we’ve allowed ourselves to go from being paying customers to cattle.

There are those of you out there who will quickly point out that we’ve given up some freedoms and tons of common decency for the greater good and mutual safety. To those folks, I politely say “bunk.” Without getting into specifics, I once spent an evening with a friend from a government agency who detailed how easy it is to bypass the current safeguards, should one be so inclined. Not two days later some idiot tried to blow up a plane over Detroit with an underwear bomb. Fortunately for all he did not succeed, but I think my friend’s point was rendered valid.

More recently a gentleman smuggled a spy plane into the US. Was he caught by the ever vigilant TSA? Nope. Was he apprehended due to the efforts of attentive baggage handlers? Sorry. No, he was caught when he tried to sell the classified spy plane on e-Bay.

To put it mildly, as proved by this moron, one need not be a member of MENSA to fool our airport security professionals.

Speaking of morons, a lady in Florida was arrested yesterday after leaving her kid at a stranger’s house so she could go buy drugs.

Okay, back to our blog.

As if we’re not inconvenienced enough when we try to hand over our hard earned money to get from point A to point B, often being routed through points L and R just for fun, AOL News reports that Air New Zealand has hired Richard Simmons to provide the pre-flight safety lecture.

Why? I don’t know. Maybe they don’t get enough oxygen in New Zealand.

Richard Simmons, the fitness guru best known for his “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” exercise videos, is now teaching air travelers how to avoid a disaster.

Air New Zealand has recruited the ever-enthusiastic workout guru to recite the in-flight safety instructions in his own emphatic style.

Perhaps you thought a lesson in how to buckle a seat belt for the gazillionth time couldn’t be fun, but think again.

“Hi, everybody, In the next three minutes we’re going to work hard, work out and get you fit to fly,” Simmons begins.

“First let’s stretch it out, and loose that baggage. Stretch it up to the overhead locker or slide it under the seat in front of you. Stretch and slide!

“Yeah! You’re a giraffe!”

Hiring Simmons is a bit of counterprogramming for the airline. The move comes just a few weeks after a Qantas safety video featuring actor and pilot John Travolta. To date, more than half a million viewers had watched the Simmons video (ED NOTE: posted below) on YouTube.

The sad thing is that there’s no escaping it if you’re unfortunate enough to be on one of their planes. They turn the sound on and play the video on every available screen. Whoever thought that replacing their famous, all nude – body painted, flight crew with Richard Simmons was a good idea should be taken out and shot.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!