Sometimes My Job is Too Easy

I've got beer, smokes and a laptop. Why do I need to work?
I've got beer, smokes and a laptop. Why do I need to work?
If you’re one of those people who has a remote just to activate your remotes, you’ll appreciate the amount of work I put into today’s article. If you use the Clapper to activate your inflatable date, you’ll surely believe you’ve found a kindred spirit here today. Does the thought of transferring your naked, lard laden, behind from the bed to the bean bag make you cringe because it’s too much effort? Well, for today at least, you’ve got a friend in me. If you’re idea of enlightenment is the concept that we’re all going to die anyway so you may as well just stay home and watch porn, then today I ain’t heavy. I’m your brother.

You see every morning I log into a search engine I developed just for Nude Hippo. It lists the weirdest stories from the last 48 hours. I usually spend an hour or so reading them, checking facts and then begin assembling my post. Not so today.

Today, the first four stories were all I needed.

So let’s begin, shall we?

A Radio Shack in Montana is offering a free handgun with the purchase of a satellite dish.

“”OMG!,” you cry, “Why doesn’t Comcast have something like that?”

Okay, that’s probably not what you said. If you have any vestiges of civilization left you’re probably appalled. But, and here’s the fun part, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

You see, Montana is for amateurs. If you want some serious firearms for your family fun, you have to go to Florida.

Why aren’t you surprised?

Associated Press reports that you can get an AK-47 when you buy a used pick up truck.

A Florida car dealership trying to drum up business is offering an unusual perk for potential used-truck buyers: A free AK-47 assault rifle.

General sales manager Nick Ginetta says that since the promotion was announced on Veterans Day, business has more than doubled at Nations Trucks in Sanford.

Customers would have to pass a background check before using the $400 gun shop voucher. They also have the option of using the money toward other firearms, or they can request a check in that amount instead.

The dealership has fielded some complaints about the deal, which Ginetta acknowledges is controversial. But, he adds: “My buyer is absolutely a gun owner, no question.”

The promotion runs through the end of November.

I wonder if you can get the assault rifle color coordinated? Or maybe, if it’s for your daughter, you might want the Hello Kitty customization kit.

Then again, maybe assault rifles aren’t your thing. Odd, I admit, but it can happen. If so, then why not try an ax? WBBH TV tells of a nice Floridian who used the family ax to trash his mother’s home and then held her hostage while he forced her to …… watch movies.

Like I said, today was too easy.

Charlotte County Sheriff’s deputies arrested 22-year-old Robert Tuttle on Thursday for allegedly attacking his 60-year-old mother with an ax, threatening to kill her, and forcing her to stay in his bedroom and watch movies with him for several hours.

Tuttle’s mother called police at 10 a.m. saying she had escaped from her son’s bedroom, where she had been held against her will.

According to his mother, Tuttle had been drinking and became aggressive, destroying items in the house with an ax before threatening to kill her and himself if she called police.

The mother says Tuttle swung the ax at her but she stepped back to avoid it. It was then that he forced her into his bedroom and made her stay for several hours and watch movies while he held the ax.

Deputies arrived at the home and arrested Tuttle. While there, they also found a sword, an expandable baton and a baggie of marijuana in his bedroom.

Tuttle was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, false imprisonment, possession of marijuana and possession of drug paraphernalia.

He was transported to the Charlotte County Jail, where he remains on no bond.

“Damn it Mom, it’s Beaches. Have you no soul? Just watch the movie! Then you’ll understand me.”

Maybe not. I doubt if even the treacly wisdom of Barbara Streisand could explain that guy.

Nevertheless, when he does get out of the joint, he’s gonna need a new place to stay. And it should be with someone who can truly understand him. Since he’s already in Florida, I may have found his perfect match. Todd Wright writes about the nice lady who wore nothing but a bikini as she terrorized a Burger King.

An angry spring breaker made a whopper of a statement when she sparked a riot inside a Florida Burger King over the weekend.

The bikini-clad woman, identified as Kimesia Smith, jumped on top of the counter and tossed coins, food and drinks at employees of the Panama City BK, which only fueled onlookers to join in on the food fight.

The riot was captured by cellphone video and posted on YouTube for the world to see.

During the video, Smith and a few other women wearing bikinis attempted to rush the cooking area after Smith claimed it was taking them too long to make her order, the New York Daily News reported.

Smith, who is from Alabama, wanted her Whopper Jr. and fries, and she wanted them right then.

It didn’t take long for temperatures to reach flame-broiled heights. And that’s when a quick bite to eat turned into a Girls Gone Wild outtake.

Smith is seen jumping on the counter and tossing objects. Before long, others in the restaurant join in, leaving the floor a mix of ketchup, soda, burgers and fries.

Smith was arrested and charged with battery.

Isn’t she delightful? And, yes, the link in the story takes you right to the video so you can see what a prize she is. I would never deny you fun like that.

So, as you can clearly see, Florida is where the human genome went to die.

Okay, enough depressing stuff. Watch my buddy David Guetta, and his pals Flo Rida, get your party started.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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