Penis + Mouth = FUN!!

That seems to about cover it.
That seems to about cover it.
There are some mornings where I get up and decide not to further the precepts of journalistic integrity, or to broaden the intellectual horizons of the denizens of Earth, but to ensure that our producers still have their lawyers on speed dial. This is good for all of us. It helps me release any pent up aggressions I may have in a safe manner that does not involve the police. Or hookers. Or both. It helps our producers by making sure that their hearts get a full cardio work out before they even think about that first cup of coffee. And it helps you because you’ll end up reading stuff that you’ll be able to talk about all day. Bonus, it’ll make any conversation you partake in far more interesting than anything anyone else discusses.

THEM: “Hey gang, how bout dem Cubs?”

YOU: “Has anyone else tried the boiled eggs marinated in the urine of young boys?”

See what I mean?

And, as long as we’re on the subject, let’s head over to my favorite Chinese correspondent, Lycurgus, for an eggcellent article about the aforementioned eggs.

Of all the cultures in the world, you have to respect China for never letting go of thousands-of-years-old customs, even when it involves boiling eggs in the urine of young boys.

In Dongyang, Zhejiang province, which is located in eastern China, local chefs are staying positive in their hope that this local dish, which has been considered a delicacy for the past several thousand years, will catch on worldwide. As an inhabitant of a world that worships the alter of Ronald McDonald, I’m pretty certain it won’t make it over to the states.

The recipe is quite simple, really: take the urine of boys under ten years of age (local schools are a good source of unclaimed urine), boil the eggs in their urine, first with their shells then sans shell for a full day and night. Consume. Then realize you just ate a pee egg.

According to Lu Ming, one of the chefs responsible for this dish, the eggs, in addition to being a tasty treat (allegedly), possess certain curative powers. Some of their attributes include the ability to stop fevers and serve as a “pick me up” if you’re feeling tired. Honestly, I’d prefer a Red Bull, as the taste of carbonated battery acid is only slightly less nauseating than urine.

Only time will tell if they’ll become “the next big thing” in other parts of the world. Mass exporting is currently under way in attempt to spread the local delicacy beyond Chinese borders.

I realize that by printing the recipe many of you will feel safe in bypassing the import fees and making these yourself. To which I say, go right ahead. Just don’t invite me to dinner.

If, however, you prefer your penises to be more mature and involved in more mature acts, then Diesel Fashions in India has just what you need. Weird Asia News reports that they are selling, purpose specific, knee pads.

Italian designer Diesel, known primarily for appealing to young adults who think wearing a specific brand will make them cool, are offering Diesel-brand kneepads in India if you purchase $150 worth of merchandise.

Why kneepads? Well, you don’t want your knees to get sore when going to down on your man, now do you?

Yes, Diesel is offering a free set of kneepads designed specifically for giving blowjobs. Considering they look like normal kneepads, one can only assume that the appeal is centered strictly on the brand and not the sense of pride one might get from having the foresight to protect your knees while performing a sexual act considered illegal in approximately half the country.

The beauty of this product lies not in its function but in its packaging. The packaging on the inside features a red background and a woman’s open mouth, in case you forgot what function the kneepads are supposed to have. On the outside we’re treated to a throwback to old ads of the fifties, including marketing slogans such as “knee caps for better head” and “buy one and get one pearl necklace free.”

One can only imagine how something like this would go over in America, where anything sexual is immediately demonized while disembowelment and extreme acts of violence are perfectly welcome. I’d guess not well.

Stay classy, Diesel.

Given the massive population explosion in India right now, I think this sort of behavior should be encouraged. I also think that this Public Service Announcement should be shown in every school in the world. It would solve all sorts of problems.

Knee pads and lube for a better world? Why not?

Nevertheless, I know there is a sub-sect of humans who like their penises only in the abstract. It’s a fine idea, they think, but they’d prefer that it not be attached to a smelly man. These people also spend far too much time on cell phones. Fortunately for them, or you as the case may be, Hiroshi Ishiguro had all this in mind when he designed his new cell phone.

Cellular phones have evolved in very odd ways. From the standard brick-sized “Zack Morris” phone of the early nineties to flip phones to phones capable of pinpointing your exact location on a satellite map, the next logical step can only be a phone shaped like a human that features absolutely no keyboard or dialpad…right?

As is customary, Japan has unveiled something very weird and mostly useless. Hiroshi Ishiguro and a group of Japanese researchers from Osaka University have developed a cell phone shaped like a human being. The primary function of the phone isn’t to be useful, but instead to give the user the impression that the user is talking to more than just a signal through a speaker but a real person. I can imagine the only people who would want to use this phone are the very lonely.

The phone, named “Elfoid,” is designed sans keyboard or dialpad, and contains nothing more than a speaker and an LED light on its chest. The light turns blue when the phone is in use and red when in standby mode. Thankfully, the phone doesn’t move, but if for some reason future versions get made, the researchers hope to instill the phone with an eerie form of artificial intelligence, such as motors and shape-memory components, with the ultimate goal being user emotion and movement transference from phone to phone.

Elfoid will not be able to slowly gain sentience and take over the world for the next five or so years, and researchers are promising even more features, such as an accelerometer, temperature sensors, and image and voice recognition functions. Whispering sweet nothings into your ear while you sleep is optional.

When you put the head of the phone to your ear, the feet of the phone extend past your chin leaving the robo-penis firmly placed by your lips.

Isn’t that convenient?

“Mom? What’s that weird sucking sound I keep hearing?”

“Must be a bad connection dear. Just ignore it.”

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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