Of course it started in Florida.

Sexy is as sexy does, I always say.
Sexy is as sexy does, I always say.
If you Google Florida Stupid Criminals you’ll end up with a plethora of wonderful options. You just can’t make up stuff like a guy who stole bras to give to his girlfriend … in prison. There’s this whole weird sub-class of criminals who live there who seem hell bent on proving that evolution missed the Sunshine State. Not by a little bit either. I’m talking about eons of genetic progress that got unceremoniously dumped in a swamp somewhere. In fact Go Florida has completely surrendered and added dumb locals as some sort of twisted tourist attraction. From the lady who tried to rob a store with an unplugged electric chainsaw to the nice guy who wrote a hold up note on the back of his jail-release form, they’re all there. It’s almost as if there’s some sort of idiot zoo and the price of admission is just a quick trip south.

And yet, every new member of any hall of fame needs to set the bar a little higher. Or would that be lower? Either way, Brian Hammacher writes about a worthy candidate.

Just remember this, at some point in her life some Florida guy thought she was hot.

A 46-year-old Naples woman was arrested over the weekend for disorderly intoxication after she allegedly stripped naked, threw rocks at some men and threatened to “beat their asses,” and then started taking her teeth out, according to a Collier County Sheriff’s report.

The deputy who responded to reports of an intoxicated female Saturday night got quite an eyeful when he found Tina Belinda Masta sitting on a dock wrapped only in a blanket.

She smelled of booze, had glassy eyes and had difficulty speaking, according to the report. And when she turned to face the deputy, she took off her blanket, revealing her birthday suit.

Masta told the deputy that she had taken some of her teeth out and thrown them into a canal and asked to use some pliers. Instead of pliers, Masta got handcuffed and put in the back of a squad car.

A witness told the deputy that Masta had been cursing at three men before she started throwing rocks at them. At some point she pulled off her clothes and threatened to “beat their asses,” according to the report.

She also tried to break a light and a wooden fence, the witness said.

The deputy helped Masta get dressed and booked her into jail.

I think I dated her. You probably have too.

But Florida is not the sole repository of damaged genomes. Far from it. Every now and then a bright light of ineptitude shines forth from the rationality firmament that needs to be acknowledged. Associated Press reports that they found such a bright albedo in North Carolina.

Police have charged an 83-year-old greeter at a North Carolina Walmart with trying to rob the store over the weekend.

Police say George Plane Jr. of Mooresville was working Sunday night when he went to his car, donned a disguise and walked back inside the Statesville store with a gun.

Statesville Police Chief Tom Anderson says Plane put the gun to a fellow employee’s head and demanded money from a cash register. Anderson says Plane fired a shot in the air after leaving with the money. Plane was arrested later Sunday.

He was being held Monday on multiple charges, including robbery with a dangerous weapon.

It could not be immediately determined Monday if he has a lawyer.

Lawyer? How about a shrink? I mean, c’mon, this dude works there and seriously thought that some cheap Halloween costume would fool his co-workers?

“Hi George. What’s with the wig?”

And did an 83 year old guy actually think he’d outrun pursuit?

1 Adam 12, we’re in pursuit of a suspect who’s driving a ’94 Toyota with the left turn signal blinking, going 35 mph on Route 264. He’s headed north bound in the south bound lanes and seems to be signaling for me to pass.”

These people almost, almost, make Illinois’ politicians seem smart.

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