Breasts, Milk & Lesbians! Oh My!

A long time ago in a land far, far away …. well, okay, a couple of months ago in Chicago, I wrote how the most effective form of protest involved getting naked women to support your cause. Finally something that testosterone fueled Neanderthals and female coffee house singers can agree on. It appears that fine tradition still has legs, if you’ll pardon the misplaced analogy, and is alive and well in Eastern Europe. As Matthew Hall reports, the FEMEN organization is really ticked about a new radio promotion in the Ukraine.

Actually, I may bare my hairy nips in support here. “Win a Wife” on the radio? Has civilization fallen that far?

Don’t answer that.

A feminist group in Ukraine has protested a radio station competition to “win a wife” in the most eye-catching way possible — by removing clothes.

The Femen Movement is angered by a contest organized by a New Zealand radio station that offered a listener the opportunity to travel to Ukraine and meet women.

Nine women protested in wintry Kiev by going topless and holding aloft banners that claimed “Ukraine is not a brothel” and “Welcome to hell.”

“Femen warns the lucky winner of the New Zealand competition that he can expect an unhappy ending in Ukraine,” activist Olexandra Shevchenko wrote on the group’s blog about the naked demonstration.

“Ukraine is not a brothel and Ukrainian women are not prostitutes.”

Established in 2008 by university students to object to the proliferation of sex tourism in their country, Femen has expanded its protest folio to include broader issues linked to women’s rights.

“Our weapons are bare breasts” is one of the movement’s protest chants.

Ballistic breast bombs? It sounds kind of Monty Python-esque. It will all become clear about a minute into the link.

However, as any baby can tell you, breasts only have one true function.

Ice cream.

As David Moye reports, it’s also good for starting lawsuits for tasteless people. Unless you’re the kind of moron who’d feed their kid a concoction called Baby Gaga.

Lady Gaga knows how to milk publicity, but she’s not keen on others doing the same.

At least when it’s used to sell ice cream made from human breast milk.

Capital FM reports that Gaga is suing the Icecreamists, a London ice cream parlor that recently introduced “Baby Gaga,” an ice cream made from human breast milk.

According to legal documents obtained by The Daily Mail, the business is coldly accused of “riding on the coattails” of the singer.

But business owner Matt O’Connor sees the flavor as more of a tribute.

“We named it ‘Baby Gaga’ because she’s the queen of ‘shock and roll,'” O’Connor told AOL News when the flavor was introduced Feb. 25.

At the time, he was confident she’d approve because the flavor was, like her own famous stunts such as wearing a dress made of meat, meant to raise questions and provoke discussion.

“Some people are turned off by the idea, but, really, it raises the philosophical question: Is it better if we use milk from cows injected with hormones who are artificially induced with pregnancy every few months, or human milk?” O’Connor said.

The outlet has been told to “change the name of the ice cream to something which is not aurally, visually or conceptually similar to Lady Gaga” or court action will be taken.

O’Connor doesn’t seem to be fearing a showdown in court and is happily promoting the controversy on his blog.

“The fact that the world’s biggest superstar is now prosecuting the world’s smallest ice cream parlor, is akin to the actions of a big baby, rocking in a corner with some wet wipes crying over spilt milk,” O’Connor wrote on the business’s blog, adding, “In this case, breast milk.”

O’Connor also notes that the ice cream was on sale for just a few hours before it was confiscated by Westminster City Council.

While, technically, Ms.(?) Ga Ga’s lawsuit comes after the product was removed from the market, the fact that he’s still advertising it is going to get him a quick lesson in how to navigate the bankruptcy courts in the U.K.

Maybe even a turn in the stocks or something.

But as exciting as these stories are, they pale in comparison to the millions of lesbians near you who are miffed about Justin Bieber’s hair. Even as his career heads, inevitably, to the tabloid hell of teen dream careers (Dana Plato anyone?), his follicles have inspired hetero-avoiding woman to a level of conformity that even the U.S. Marines would envy. So, when Monica Garske reports that he now looks like George Michaels’ cabana boy (boy, talk about a change of audience), you can understand why the Sisters of Sapphos might be a touch ticked.

It’s been just over a week since teenage heartthrob Justin Bieber got the haircut that made headlines, but some fans are still in denial over the loss of his luscious, side-swept locks.

At least that’s the sentiment sweeping the Bieber blog Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber, which posts photographs of women — many of whom are lesbians — who happen to resemble the 17-year-old teen sensation.

Now, for a blog that updates on a daily basis, you’d think there would already be several postings of female doppelgangers proudly copying Bieber’s new ‘do.

Wrong.

Blog founder –- and fellow lesbian Bieber look-alike –- Dannielle Owens-Reid told AOL News that despite announcing Bieber’s major hair development in a post last week, she’s gotten zero photo submissions of lesbians sporting Bieber’s new, more mature haircut.

This leads her to believe that lesbians who resemble the youthful, attractive singer — or at least those “Biebians” who regularly visit her blog — simply aren’t ready to accept the change in his hairstyle. Instead, they seem to be ignoring it.

“I get submissions every single day. Since he cut his hair, that hasn’t changed. But I’m still getting the same amount of pictures of girls with the swoopy Justin Bieber hair, not the new style. It’s like everyone wants to ignore the new cut, just like everyone wants to ignore the fact that he’s dating Selena Gomez. It’s one of those ‘say it ain’t so’ moments,” Owens-Reid said.

The lack of acknowledgment by Bieber look-alikes, she reasoned, could also mean that his signature side-swept style is bigger than anything we could’ve imagined — bigger than Bieber himself.

“Even if he cuts his hair, he can’t escape the Justin Bieber hairstyle. People will always talk about it, even when he’s an old man. It’s like Jennifer Aniston and ‘The Rachel.’ It will never, ever go away.”

If this trend continues and no photos come in of women sporting the teen’s new trim, Owens-Reid said she might have to start an online fan petition begging Bieber to grow his locks back out.

After all, it seems to be what the people want. Rumor has it that right after he cut his hair, some 80,000 disapproving fans stopped following Bieber on Twitter.

Owens-Reid figures that if enough lesbians who look like Bieber unite, they may be able to coerce the young, impressionable pop star to go back to his roots, which, frankly, have helped propel him to higher fame.

But even if Bieber sticks with the new look, Owens-Reid isn’t worried about it hurting business on the LWLLJB website.

“The haircut isn’t all that drastic. He still looks like himself, and lesbians still look like Justin Bieber. That’s not going to change,” she said. “Lesbians love dressing like teenage boys. Justin is adorable, and now that he’s been around for a while, I think people are proud to look like him. It’s not an insult, it’s an honor.”

Lesbians like looking like teenage boys, they just don’t like teenage boys.

It’s a minor distinction, but one worth noting.

Nevertheless, for those who are waiting for me to post video of Justin Bieber, this must be your first time here. However, just to be fair, I will post a video from a group of guys who look like lesbians.