Our Shores May Be Safe, But Our Tacos Are Boring

You's gots to fattens them up some afore you eatem.
You's gots to fattens them up some afore you eatem.

After the other day’s debacle I thought I’d discuss a food you can actually eat, even if it’s a touch illegal on our heavily protected shores. Actually, there are a lot of exotic foods you can get in America. In Arizona, until people finally figured out the owner wasn’t using a euphemism (as if anyone in Arizona could actually pronounce “euphemism”), you could buy lion tacos. What did they think lion tacos were made from? Mutant chickens? Wasn’t the line of people mumbling “Mmm, Simba esta mui bien!” a clue? In New York, a city so dull they had to name it twice, you can get an exciting platter of goat’s head. It comes with a nice lime accent. In Chicago, we have much more sensible dishes like Pakistani brain curry. Although it’s unclear where they get the Pakistani brains. Are they donated or is there a weird underground economy thing going on, like some north Indian Soylent Green?

Speaking as someone who’s eaten live, baby, octopi in Greece, something that was allegedly meat in South Korea and a, recently noted, huhu grub, which is just a giant beetle larvae and shouldn’t be missed, it’s safe to say I’m not easily tossed off my feed.

Which also may explain why I’m just under six and a half feet tall and close to 300 lbs.

Nevertheless, Frank Heinz at MSNBC reports that the closed minded anti-gourmands of the US border patrol have refused to allow in a shipment of yummy iguana meat with a lovely masa coating.

Nearly 60 pounds of exotic reptile meat was seized by customs officials on a bus at the Texas-Mexico border on Sunday.

While doing a security sweep at the Lincoln-Juarez International Bridge, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers said anomalies with two ice chests led them to discover 58 pounds of alleged iguana meat that had not been declared.

The meat had been mixed with masa, a dough made of cornmeal, and was apparently being turned into tamales.

Iguana is a delicacy in many Central American countries and is considered to be a curer of all ills as well as an aphrodesiac.

The CBP office said the iguana meat has an estimated value of $1,560, though iguana prices domestically vary widely. A quick search on the Internet showed prices ranging from $15 per pound to more than $50 per pound.

“This is a substantial amount of iguana meat, well beyond what would be considered as personal use. It lacked the necessary permits for lawful importation and further it was found hidden in masa,” said Joe Uribe, acting CBP port director, Laredo. “This seizure illustrates the hard work of our CBP agriculture specialists and the diversity of laws that CBP enforces on behalf of other federal agencies.”

CBP agriculture specialists seized the meat for alleged violations of the Lacey Act and CITES and returned the woman who was transporting the material to Mexico. CITES, the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora, ensures that international trade in specimens of wild animals and plants does not threaten their survival.

The case was turned over to U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service special agents for further investigation.

Oh yeah, great work guys. You actually have a “street value” on iguana meat? Well, then, congratulations on keeping the universe safe from iguana tacos. Meanwhile I can walk down to my local grocery and pick up a kilo of coke.

Really, I’m impressed.

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