It’s Time to Party!

It's not a real party until the strippers flash your kids!
It's not a real party until the strippers flash your kids!
Things have been a little depressing around the World News Center as of late. The last few days’ stories would seem to lead one to believe that humanity’s days are severely numbered. But, as it turns out, things aren’t that bleak. Massive overpopulation spilling out of India? I found the source. It’s a guy named Ziona Chana who has 39 wives and 167 kids. All we need to do is send over a small nuke, low yield of course since we want the land to revert to nature, and we’re good to go.

Aliens who love anal probes? Well, who doesn’t? Not a problem any more though. Even the UFO Congress, not to be confused with alien life forms in Washington, has finally got around to saying 95% of sightings are pure crap and the other 5% are simply unknown. And none of those 5% seem to have posed any threat at all, so we can just ignore them.

If you’ve been losing sleep worrying about the world being taken over by giant Irish people, worry no more. It turns out that they’re just regular folks with a pituitary problem. And now that it’s known, it can be cured.

In other words, like I said, we’re good to go.

And when faced with good news like this there’s only one thing to do; PAR-TAY HAR-DAY!

Dave Thier at AOL News reports that that’s exactly what’s happening in New Orleans as the, perennially rude, Krewe du Vieux ramps up another scatological parade.

The Mardi Gras parade season is getting under way in New Orleans, and for a region that weathered the massive environmental, political and economic implications of the BP oil spill, a little laughter isn’t such a bad idea.

Of course, disaster is nothing new to the Crescent City, and yet year after year the inhabitants display a remarkable ability to keep on partying. This Saturday, one krewe (a social club that revolves around its Mardi Gras parade) started the season, just as it does every year — weird. The Krewe de Vieux are New Orleans’ carnival pranksters — every year they do a parade, usually a very profane one, making fun of whatever politicians or disasters that wreaked havoc on their city that year.

“There’s no situation that doesn’t improve from taking a moment to step back and laugh a little bit,” former krewe captain and poo-bah of publicity Keith Twitchell told AOL News. “Shed off some tension, maybe clear your head, maybe fog your head, but either way you go back to it with a fresh perspective.”

Highlights from this year’s parade included the sub-krewe Spermes’ float, which was themed around a slightly altered version of HBO’s “Treme,” and Sarah Palin driving a sled in the “idiot-a-rod” race with none other than Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal as the lead dog. Another sub-krewe, the Krewe Mondu, imagined New Orleans in the year 2025, broken off from the mainland.

“It appears that toplessness is standard in this island city,” reads Krewe De Vieux’s in-house publication, Le Monde de Merde. “Whether this is due to global warming or the omnipresent beads is unclear.”

Other highlights, published in Monde de Merde, are not entirely fit for republication.

Of course, the BP oil spill featured heavily into this year’s parade. The combination of government corruption, general ineptitude, mass confusion and near-apocalyptic implications presented a perfect target for the parading pranksters.

BP CEO Tony Hayward made more than one appearance, both as a crafty, smoke bomb wielding ninja and his alter ego Tony Haywimp. Twitchell went as a gigantic oil-eating microbe — the logic being that if the microbes had really been eating as much of the oil as some people suspected they did, they would have grown gigantic.

While they’ve become an oddball among the larger super-krewes in the celebration, in many ways, Krewe De Vieux is the most traditional of the Mardi Gras krewes. Not only do they make their floats themselves and pull them with mules once they’re ready, but their satirical bent carries historical significance as well. For centuries, Carnival has been a time when social distinctions melted away and lower classes had the chance to poke fun at the powers that were.

In 2005, Krewe De Vieux, like the rest of the city, faced what seemed like an insurmountable challenge. After Katrina, some people thought that the parade would have been in poor taste — just as some people thought about Mardi Gras itself. But between George W. Bush, the Federal Emergency Management Agency and the Army Corps of Engineers, Krewe De Vieux had its pick of satirical targets that year. And for Twitchell, not rolling would have been like giving up.

“We were the first parade to roll after Katrina,” Twitchell said. “If we don’t preserve our culture, why save any of the rest of it? I think we did a lot to make people feel better, even just for one night.”

This year, the Krewe had a less tragic disaster to deal with, but there will likely be hard times in New Orleans’ future again. And whatever comes their way, Krewe De Vieux will make disgusting jokes about it.

A recent issue of Monde de Merde included articles ranging from how to enjoy a Dr. John album (bourbon is a must), fun things to do with flammable liquids in your anus and, naturally, how to exorcise demons from a mayor. Certainly all worthwhile things to know.

Word to the wise, it would be best to shave your buttocks first before trying some of the more daring ideas. I’m just saying.

In the meantime, you can certainly take a few minutes out of your day to watch topless women go shopping before the real party begins.

If that’s a touch racy for your current personal space, then just remember that Endicott works from 9 to 5, doesn’t fool around with loose women and doesn’t touch alcohol. Don’t be like Endicott. Not when it’s time to get your Cajun groove on.

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