Coming Soon to an IMAX Near You!

OH MY GOD! What's that thing aiming at my face?
OH MY GOD! What's that thing aiming at my face?
Well, Valentine’s Day is behind us leaving its usual litany of emotional scars and traumatic experiences. Several men thanked me yesterday for letting them know about the March 14th counterpoint to Valentine’s Day and each of them swore it was going to be a red letter day in their respective households. One guy got his bride to be a dozen long stemmed roses and a new tattoo. It was a very sweet moment. He later claimed that every day was March 14th in his house. Obviously, he must be killed. Can’t have the rest of us looking bad, can we?

Certainly the holiday’s become more inclusive as people become less judgmental of the private lives of others. You need look no further than Zombie Harmony, a dating site for zombies (obviously), to see that’s true. Others look at the holiday with bittersweet visions. Emily McCombs did as she compared the demise of her employer,, to premature ejaculation. As she sweetly noted, “When it comes to intercourse, a little dab’ll do ya … (after all) …. who’s got the time?”

Some end up with memories that will last a lifetime. Josue Hernandez certainly falls into that category as he went looking for love in all the wrong places. Specifically, he went to a drag queen bar. When he finally realized that his prospective date was better endowed than he was, he tore up the bar and won a free ticket to jail. Where I bet he’s going to be very popular.

The family of Jemma Benjamin can be added to that list too as their 18 year old daughter received her first kiss and promptly died. Of course, how’d you like to be the boyfriend, Daniel Ross? The fact that you killed your girlfriend with a kiss has got to give future dates cause for a pause.

“No, really, Lovie, thanks for the wonderful dinner and all, but let’s just shake hands and be on our way.”

But, despite all of this, romance is not dead. Nay I say unto you, as reported by the wonderful folks over at News Weird, there’s a whole new level of delightful dalliance coming soon for you and your significant other to enjoy.

Obviously, I’m talking about 3D porn in IMAX Theaters.

That’s exactly what Stephen Shiu is proposing for his 3-D Sex & Zen: Extreme Ecstasy (NSFW), the first IMAX 3D pornographic film. An erotic fantasia set in a subterranean sex lair from ancient china. Based on a classic Chinese erotic text, “The Carnal Prayer Mat,” the $3 million film follows a young man as he befriends a duke and enters a world of royal orgies and other sexual peccadilloes.

”Somehow when you’re doing a 3-D movie you always want to make an impressive image because the viewers … are going to buy tickets with double or even triple the ticket price to get into a world they’ve never seen before,” said the U.K.-educated Sun

They are hoping this new medium of 3D porn will be a potential money-spinner, following on from the success of Hollywood blockbusters such as James Cameron’s Avatar. The producers are hoping the erotic period drama will prove a titillating hit with 3-D-glasses-wearing audiences and help develop a lucrative, niche film market.

He claims that people don’t want “just erotica, they want some wow factor! “Their goal seems to be to revolutionize live-action 3-D love making, and I have no doubt that it will look and sound incredible in IMAX 3-D or would that be CL-IMAX 3-D?

Already, other major 3-D erotic movies are now apparently in the works. Adult entertainment firm Hustler is reportedly working on a 3-D adult spoof of the blue aliens in “Avatar,” while Italian director Tinto Brass plans to film an IMAX 3-D version of his classic 1979 erotic film “Caligula”.

Who knows maybe later editions of their IMAX endeavor may include scratch and sniff or splash the audience effects that worked well for other IMAX films like “Under the Sea 3D”.

The 3D porn version of Avatar may be a hit. It already looks like it has better dialog than the original. Of course, it would be hard not to. One thing’s for sure, it’ll give a whole new meaning to the term “chasing tail.” Believe it or not that link is safe for work.

Caligula, however, I’m not so sure of. That movie creeped me out in 2D. I see no way to parlay some of those scenes (NOT EVEN A LITTLE SAFE FOR WORK) into anything resembling a “couples movie.” But, then again, I’m not you and this type of thing may be exactly what your doctor ordered.

Tomorrow I’ll get back to the usual sarcastic stuff but, for now, allow me to leave you with this little romantic clip.

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